Normal relationships, do you have to forgive sometimes and let things go?

[NetflixandBrill]

I have been with my partner a long time, he is a good Dad and he treats me well but I feel I have compromised and forgiven a lot in being with him, does everyone feel like this at certain points in a relationship? And are there certain things you feel you have to forgive in order to survive a long term relationship?

Things he has done are not so awful but enough to make me second guess myself, i.e talking and insulting my family behind my back, getting really angry with other people about football to the point where it embarrasses me and makes me not want to be in the same room, not having any earning potential meaning I always have to be the breadwinner ( that is not so bad as I don't mind working and being main earner but still hangs over me sometimes)

I don't even know what I'm asking really, I see so many other relationships and don't really know deep down what people put up with or if it's normal to a certain degree. I know there are things about me that are not perfect so I try and bare this in mind when I feel I am being overly harsh on him.

Does anyone feel the same, feel like you have had to overlook certain things?

OP you dont have to overlook anything you dont WANT to.

YOU decide what is acceptable for you. No one else. Especially in a relationship.

Honestly...he is mean about your family,living if your income with no sign of changing and has bouts of aggression. Any one of those would send most people running.

You dont get dependable bonuses in life for tolerating a drain on your happiness. And no one gets to judge you for not tolerating bullshit behaviour.

*SPENDABLE bonuses

I started a thread up about this subject a while back. I have a friend who overlooked a major fail on the part of her partner who was caught out cheating.

This all happened a long time ago and she stayed with the guy and subsequently married him and they both seem really happy. i do not know if she confronted him, or if she simply 'banked ' the information and moved on but it seems to have worked out for her.

She must have had her reasons for it, as others do, but OP I hope you are truly happy here and not looking for a way out and the OK to do it from posters here :(

For what it is worth OP from a male perspective, I think in a good healthy relationship as long as you are both on a similar wavelength etc, niggling things can be let go. However, if there are real fundamental differences which affect sense of self worth or self esteem - thats different.

No relationship will ever be perfect - that is the reality

@London1001

For what it is worth OP from a male perspective, I think in a good healthy relationship as long as you are both on a similar wavelength etc, niggling things can be let go. However, if there are real fundamental differences which affect sense of self worth or self esteem - thats different.

No relationship will ever be perfect - that is the reality

Amen to your last sentence

I think that letting things go is the key to a happy relationship. Minor things like if they tell you to fuck off during an argument or forget to do something that you asked. No one's perfect, and making a big deal out of everything is exhausting for everyone involved.

But if you dislike something that he does regularly to the extent that you can't be in the same room as him, I would find that quite hard to let go and would definitely be bringing it up.

The earning potential one is difficult - does he have a job? Does he enjoy it? Does he pick up the slack in other areas? If the answers are yes, it's not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Thanks, I'm not looking for a way out really or a reason to leave, I think if you have reached that point then you kind of know it or I assume you do? I have hever had another relationship which is why I find it so hard to know wether I'm being walked over or not!

I just wondered what other people thought really to be honest. The football thing is the main one for me and many others have commented on it which means I know it's not just me.. it's just embarrassing really from my perspective.

I agree no relationship is perfect and I am sure there are things he overlooks too, although when I ask him he says nothing I do is that annoying which is a lie in itself as there must be something as I annoy myself sometimes.

He does have a job and does majority of childcare so I am not too bothered about that as I say.

@anordinarymum I guess it shows that people do forgive things and move on, hopefully your friend is happy. I guess sometimes things are worth saving to that person. Funnily enough I never thought I could forgive cheating (he hasn't) but as I've grown older I can understand why it might happen and see it's not so black and white.

forgive stuff if it is forgivable, otherwise why would anyone forgive your mistakes?

It depends how bad the thing the person's done is to you. Bunnymum makes a good point, that 'deal breakers'/red lines vary from person to person.

To be forgiven I thought somebody had to be sorry for what they did. Is he?

IME, repeatedly forgiving someone for doing something that you are really not OK with is a mug’s game. You end up just not respecting them

I think those are pretty big things. We’ve been together nearly 15 years and I compromise on watching shitty horror films that I don’t want to watch because I know he loves them and eating dinners that I don’t particularly like occasionally because I know he really likes them... and so on. Those are things worth compromising on. And he does the same for me in a similar way. The things you’ve described are quite big issues. You shouldn’t feel you have to put up with them.

Mmm.. yes, I do think you have to forgive sometimes. I thought this was going to be about niggly little things but I think those things are quite big actually.
He shouldn't be insulting your family behind your back. How do you know he is doing this? Has somebody told you? I would be upset about this one and would ask him to stop. If he won't, then I'd be questioning the relationship.
The football one - that seems to bother you the most. Does he become aggressive with others? What would happen if you ask him to stop? Or have you asked him already and he won't/can't? I'd have to leave the room if he was doing that and if he harmed someone else physically I would consider that unforgivable.
The earning potential - is he unable to earn more through no fault of his own - ie. despite hard work there are simply no opportunities in his line of work to progress or is it the case that he can't really be bothered to progress and has no interest in increasing earning potential because you earn enough?

It's hard to tell from your post what the background is.
I think you have to decide what your own personal dealbreakers and red lines are. If he crosses those then it is time to move on.

The family thing I read some texts on his phone and he did apologise for that and explained his reasons so I have kind of moved on from it. My family are not the easiest so I can kind of understand it, although I wasn't happy at the time.

Yes I think the football thing bothers me the most as he is a grown man, and I know if it were me I'd be embarrassed to be seen in that way. I have tried bringing it up but he can never see he is in the wrong, he even had a fight (verbal not physical) which he insitgated with his friend about it and that to me was very offputting as there are so many bigger things in the world that you could use your energy on, I mean it's completely obsurd to me when I think about it in depth. I just don't know any other men that act in this way but I'm sure they are out there.

I guess like you say it's thinking about deal breakers and going from there.