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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another post from me, racist parents and possibly controlling DH

10 replies

Veggiegirlx · 25/09/2020 09:25

So I accepted now my parents are racist but I can't shake the feeling they may have been right about DH being controlling. I've been awake all night thinking about this.
The things causing concern are that we had some disagreements regarding baby , feeding ect and I went alone with his ideas for an easy life but I wasn't really happy with this.
Also, I felt he was quite critical around breastfeeding telling me it wouldn't work unless I was eating properly ect which was true.
Generally I do feel he is critical but this has only been in last few weeks and could be due to new baby stress.
DH has been lovely to me in the last few days but I've read online this is also a sign of a controlling person after a incident.
I feel like I'm going crazy and not sure what to do. I just want to do it what is best for baby...

OP posts:
EarthSight · 25/09/2020 10:02

Maybe both things are true. Perhaps both sides have been dominating forces in your life and they are clashing with each other because of it with you in the middle.

I know what you mean by going along with someone for an easier life. If someone has a fussy, fretty anxious partner who is always getting a microscope put to look at fine detail, then yes, sometimes it's easier to just do what they want than argue.

Your partner might just me more anxious than usual, as he is not only getting used to his own parenting skills but yours too. Your parents might be capitalising on what they've seen in order to make you doubt him.

Sometimes, a certain type of person will end up infantilising you by saying they just want the best for you with this type of micro managing (what they sometimes want to say is that only they know what's best). As begnign as it might come out in their tone, what it means is 'I think of you as being like a child who can't take care of themselves, or someone who is too dumb to do so, so you really need to do what I tell you'.

What I would do is get used to say 'no'. A gentle, firm, persistent 'no'. Make your case in a sentence or two, but do not be dragged into arguments about your mothering choices. See how he reacts and keep saying no more often to all sorts of things. For example, if he wants you to hurry up doing something and you are not finished yet, just pause for a second and listen to what YOU want to do. Start honouring that a bit more.

If there are concerns about your weight or nutrition, keep in contact with your healthworker or GP and ask them what your weight should be and about your current diet. Don't discuss it with any one else for now.

Don't alientate yourself away from your parents. You need all the support you can get right now.

workhomesleeprepeat · 25/09/2020 10:24

Your H does sound very wound up - and things like feeding should be discussed but ultimately up to you as you are the one doing the majority right now.

In what ways do you feel he is controlling? Maybe some more examples could help us assess this for you.

Veggiegirlx · 25/09/2020 10:53

@workhomesleeprepeat I don't really know.
We have a savings account which was in his name only as I couldn't trust myself not to spend the money but I know others find this weird. I suppose I leave a lot of the major life decisions ie where to live to him but generally I'm an easygoing person so ok with this. The only things that have bothered me are the interactions with family ( not going to go into all that again) and the parenting disagreements.

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 25/09/2020 13:11

Just because you agree with what someone has said, doesn’t mean they’re controlling. In the examples you gave he said you had to eat properly to breastfeed which you agreed with as you should as it makes sense (FYI baby takes nutrition from the mum so the breastfeeding works but the mum’s health might suffer if she’s not eating properly. Baby would be fine, but the mum might not). He’s got control of the savings account but you say you don’t trust yourself not to spend it. Did you suggest you didn’t have access to it? Even if you didn’t, you can’t have savings if you’re just going to spend them. He’s not controlling because he’s stopping you from wasting savings that you’ve admitted you would just spend.

What sort of disagreements have happened and how have you resolved them?

workhomesleeprepeat · 25/09/2020 13:15

Well I suppose it could then be about whether you think you could challenge him. So for example - do you just cave to his parenting stuff or do you argue back? How does that go? Does he accept your opinion? Do you compromise as a couple or is it always his way or the highway?

I’m like you I’m quite laid back and I don’t have to make every decision. However if I do have an opinion or want to do something a certain way and my partner does not agree, we discuss and compromise, or one of us concedes after a thorough discussion. Does this happen for you or do you feel like your opinion doesn’t matter?

WoobyWoo · 25/09/2020 13:24

All sounds quite normal to me op. Hormones are running wild and nobody is getting any sleep so little things get blown out of all proportion and there can be a bit of tension over decisions. Make a mental note and keep an eye on the situation if you’re worried but nothing you’ve said sounds very concerning to an outsider at this stage.

countbackfromten · 25/09/2020 18:47

@Veggiegirlx your whole family sound pretty awful to say the least and I feel very sorry for your DH because you aren’t standing up to them or standing up for him. They are racist, they are twisting things to make him look terrible and you aren’t helping! If controlling is not wanting you to take his DS away without even asking him first - that is ridiculous. How would you feel if he said he was taking the baby to see his family without asking you? Or his family were making horrible remarks about you being white?

SoulofanAggron · 25/09/2020 20:16

I don't sound the sound of your husband, though your family aren't ok either.

At this stage I think keep an eye out for any incidents of him behaving in a way you aren't happy with. Write the incidents down somewhere he can't see it, so you don't forget.

How do you feeel about the relationship in general?

Veggiegirlx · 25/09/2020 20:50

@SoulofanAggron I feel it's generally a supportive relationship. I'm very depressed right now and DH is v supportive making me dinners and planning nice trips for us

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 25/09/2020 21:35

@Veggiegirlx Have you seen a doctor/consultant recently for your mental health? If you've been before, it's worth going back and letting them know how you're feeling. There are dozens of things they can try.

The amount your husband criticizes you won't be helping.

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