When should I tell someone new about my past? *Possibly triggering

[Turbotastic]

Last time I was single, as a result of some very poor life choices and bad luck meeting up with the wrong person, I was raped. I actually posted about it on here.

The whole experience was obviously very traumatic for me and I'm now, understandably much more wary of dating and men in general. I'm not ready yet but when I am ready to date again and meet new people, how do I bring it up? I realise I don't have to at all but I hope that I will eventually meet someone who I want to share my life with and that will mean sharing my past with them. It also might help them understand why I now have some, completely normal, issues and reservations when it comes to sex and dating.

I feel it's fair to explain to a new prospective partner why they might have to be patient and understanding with me but I have no idea how to broach the subject. I wouldn't want them to see me differently, especially in that early stage where you are getting to know each other but I also wouldn't want to 'hide' it for a long time if it's someone I could see a future with.

Men should be patient and understanding anyway! You don't have to explain anything unless you want to.

I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you OP.
Have you had any therapy to help you deal with the trauma?
I would suggest when you are ready to try dating again you move at the pace you feel comfortable. That includes when and where you meet and your boundaries.
When you feel the time is right and you have got to know the person tell them as much or as little as you feel able to. A good man will completely accept you want to take things slowly and will respect you. If they don’t, do not waste a second more of your time on them.
I wish you well OP

I wouldn't tell a man anything like this in the early stages of dating.

I didn't explain until I was married. It was only as the relationship with a family member was quite difficult at times and my DH probably didn't understand why I'd be full of anger over things. He said it suddenly made sense after that. That being said, you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

I'd be wary of telling someone too early though, as if you haven't got someone sussed they may be abusive anyway and you have shown them a vulnerability.

@Wryt

Men should be patient and understanding anyway! You don't have to explain anything unless you want to.

This in bucketloads.

I feel it's fair to explain to a new prospective partner why - nope. Stop right there.

No prospective partner deserves a "why" of any kind. You just be yourself and make no excuses, apologies or explanations. This is the only way to sort out true compatibility.

On the specific topic of your rape, please be really careful. Do not reveal this level of vulnerability to anyone you've just met. Even someone you've known for a while tbh. Abusers and men who tend towards abuse use this kind of information against their partners.

If your reservations are so strong that you have to tell him, so that he can understand your behaviour, then maybe you’re not ready, or he isn’t quite the right person.

I’m wondering why you’re worrying about this, almost as if you’re creating problems that don’t exist yet? It makes me wonder if you’re going to jump in too soon.

It's more that I haven't been dating since it happened so I haven't had to bring it up before. I don't have anyone particular in mind when I say this it's more of a general thing.

I do feel like talking about it makes it a little easier for me, but of course, I don't owe anyone anything. I may not say anything at all. I suppose it depends on the person.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I feel it's fair to explain to a new prospective partner why - nope. Stop right there.

No prospective partner deserves a "why" of any kind. You just be yourself and make no excuses, apologies or explanations. This is the only way to sort out true compatibility.

On the specific topic of your rape, please be really careful. Do not reveal this level of vulnerability to anyone you've just met. Even someone you've known for a while tbh. Abusers and men who tend towards abuse use this kind of information against their partners.

Do not reveal this level of vulnerability to anyone you've just met. Even someone you've known for a while tbh. Abusers and men who tend towards abuse use this kind of information against their partners.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC So true.

If you feel like you have to say anything at all, I would be as vague as possible and wouldn't be giving him anything he could use against me in the future. Something like "I prefer to get to know you before we take it any further". If he pushes you for an explanation or tries to argue his way over your boundaries, he goes straight in the bin.

I'm sorry this happened. It was not your fault.

You can tell a man that you want any physical relationship to proceed slowly. You don't owe an explanation why.