Teaching children to believe in themselves

[RiveterRosie]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, apologies if it should be elsewhere.

How do you each your children to believe in themselves? How have you taught them that when the tough gets going they don't run away, that they push through even at the risk of failure. What do you say and do to help them learn that challenges are to be overcome, not run away from and that they can pick themselves up & dust themselves off & keep trying when things go wrong?

I'm thinking of things like dealing with stage fright, which even great actors admit to feeling before they go on stage but don't run away from, or competitive sports or high level exams.

I think this is an important life skill but I was never taught to develop it & I don't know how to teach it.

I think you model it in your own behaviour. Kids see how you tackle situations and it helps them figure out how to deal with the same sort of adversity.

But you also need to be conscious that not everything is something someone is confident and comfortable with and there could be reasons for that that have nothing to do with 'believing in themselves'.

All the things you describe - being on stage, competitive sports, high level exams - are things that people just aren't universally good at and may not enjoy. I really don't like sports, wouldn't play any sort of competitive sport, didn't like them as a child. That's not because I didn't 'believe in myself' - actually I probably had a lot of self-awareness and I recognised it wasn't my thing. You can't 'believe' yourself into being good at something and enjoying it. It's down to ability and personality. I am generally confident speaking in front of people and I have to do it often as an adult and I was confident doing it as a child.

I think having positive feedback and praise and encouragement probably helped me to have the confidence to get on stage the first time, and to feel good about having done it afterwards, but a lot of it probably just came from natural ability. I'm not sure you can teach that per se, unless a child is really motivated and that's probably just down to personality and opportunity.

Modelling confidence and encouragement and praise certainly won't go amiss, but I think a lot of it probably comes down to helping children to figure out what their 'thing' is that they are good at.

Just a note, make sure that 'when the going gets tough, push through' is not applied to relationships. I think young girls especially are often taught to tolerate and excuse bad behaviour. They are taught things like: bullies probably bully because they have a hard time at home and we should try to be understanding. And that shit is so toxic!
I guess its sorta linked to your question as it's about teaching them to respect themselves(by not hanging around people who treat them disrespectfully). By walking away from people who treat them badly, rather than looking for a way to fix this person. And I guess that can be taught by simply telling them 'some people are just jerks
it isnt your job to find out why, it's your job to protect yourself and get as far away from them as possible'. When they area bit older, talk to them about how to spot narcissists and similar abusive sorts..

But if you teach them to be kind to others and to expect kindness in return then they should hopefully surround themselves with people who lift them up, rather than knock them down.

I think it comes from feeling secure and loved. This helps children be brave to try new things and happy to ‘fail’ as they know they are loved.

So actually that isn’t being taught it’s innate.

My DS plays sport to quite a high level. As is normal he's gone through highs and lows performance wise, and had disappointments along the way.

I always say to him that nothing comes for free, and you can't expect to be brilliant without any effort, but if he can hand on heart say that he has done everything in his power to be the best he can be, then he has succeeded.

I tell him you can't be annoyed if there is someone else better than you, but if you can honestly say you tried your best you will reap the rewards you deserve.

OP it is do important to do what you're saying... getting children to believe in themselves really boosts their confidence.

The way I've done it is to
encourage and support in an age appropriate way. When they were younger if they were struggling with homework or something, I was patient with them and kept things in perspective. I would share with them how I find certain things a bit hard and it's not the end of the world.

I recognise and praise them for achievements and not just academic achievements. It's also about their self image and belief in their abilities.

My DC are older now (both in University) but I sometimes send them messages expressing how proud I am of them and how they can achieve anything they set their minds to.

I tend to get things online...like the attached images.

They're always happy to receive these things and respond telling me how supportive I am...so it works for them I think.

I know how damaging it can be to not have your parents believe in you and have seen the effects of adults who were put down by their parents.