Going Round in Circles

[Joanna000603]

Have been thinking of leaving my DH for a number of years. We've been married a very long time. It was a whirlwind romance and I idolised him. We've had a lot of ups and downs. Won't go into details but in an earlier post, I was told that I was in a controlling relationship. Which was a shock and made my blood run cold, as I didn't think this was true. I've since had a marriage counselling session and the councilor also said this. Think I'm still in denial because he is so hardworking, kind, loyal and everybody loves him.
I've been in touch with a solicitor mainly to see where I would stand financially, as it would be a complicated financial divorce. I felt sick at this point!
DH and I have discussed going our separate ways a few times and have just had another talk with the usual statements and tears 'We need try harder' 'let's spend more time together' etc This never happens!
He tells me I'm beautiful, wonderful, there's no one else he would want to be with, etc
Half of me wants it to be over and the other half is frightened of loosing him.
I'm scared to make a decision, to breakup my family and what will the future be like, when this is all I have known.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You say everyone loves him, I would say no they do not and its likely that one or two people that you know have their own private based suspicions about your H.

Do you love him or are you confusing this with codependency?. It sounds like he has well and truly manipulated you over a very long period of time; he is a master manipulator. Denial is itself a powerful force and perhaps you are having your eyes properly opened now as to the reality you've been living in. You have gone so far too as to see a Solicitor and even though it would perhaps been a complicated financial divorce that is his sole doing; he could well have hidden money away from you deliberately. Its also no reason not to go ahead with divorcing him.

How old were you when you met this person?. Is he also a few years older than you?. You've been with him for a long time and you also write this is all you've known. That is also very good reason not to remain with your controller now; he has actively kept you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making and you are now scared understandably to leave it. But you should still leave the cage he made for you because you should be free, not in a cage.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. My guess is that things were not too good at home and or school and you saw this person, someone who you thought actually took some interest in you, as a way out.

He has controlled you throughout your marriage to have you dancing to his tune. Controlling behaviour like he shows you is abusive in nature. Abuse is about power and control; he wants absolute over you and in turn your kids here. Image is all important to such entitled abusers hence all the excessive spending on gifts. I feel for your children having such an abuser for a father; he is no decent father to them and the emotional damage being done to them too in terms of them seeing you as their mother being controlled is incalculable.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no relationship model to be showing them at all.

Do not get stuck on the sunken costs fallacy here, your phrasing is indicative of this re this is all you've known. People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs. What you're forgetting here is that the damage has already been done; this is a bad investment and will continue to be so.

If I think about it, I get nothing from the relationship. A nice home, the bills paid and an annual holiday.
Looking back, ex friends have made comments about our close relationship.
I met him as a teenager and he is 6 years older than me. You're right about school, I never fitted in and was bullied. I lost a parent at young age and I also felt I didn't fit in with my family. I still have these feelings. When I met my husband he was good looking, successful, charismatic and worldly. He literally swept me off my feet.
You're also right about the guided cage and controlling behaviour. I thought he was just being loving and protective of me. It's taken other people to make me realise and make sense of it all.
I think I have become dependent on him and thought this is what marriage is.
I just need to pick up the courage and tell him it's over.