Wwyd, advice please

[Cantreasonwithunreasonable]

Divorced a difficult man 4 years ago. Have 2dd, now 14 & 9.
They go eow. Last weekend was 14th bday. Day before, he starts almighty row with her. Culminates in him driving off, not telling them. Told 9yo he was going out & she couldn't go. 14yo was upstairs crying and didn't know he'd left the house.
I get a phonecall from two hysterical girls saying come now & fetch us, daddy's gone.
I'm 20 min away. My friend is there in five minutes, girls are on drive with all their things, she scoops them up and takes them to hers. I get there, I collect them.
Half hr later I get phonecall from exh, where are they, I know you've taken them etc. When I say they're safe he hangs up without any more.
Next day, morning of bday. 14 yr old hasn't had presents. At 6pm get a single text, Happy Bday from her dad.
That's it, that's almost two weeks ago.
Both girls went to their separate schools on Mon morning and told teachers, pastoral etc, both contacted me. I asked schools to contact dad.
School have come back today and said it's not their position to speak to dad. I don't understand. 14 yo said last night she's not going again. 9 yo won't go without 14yo.
What would your next steps be?
Thank you. I'm lost.

Wow what a dick. Let the dc stay with you. Unless 'd' f does some serious apologising think that as a long term plan...

Don't make them go.
They are both old enough to choose if they see him or not.

When they are ready it might be worth starting with him taking one/both out for a couple of hours to build up the trust again, then drop them back home to you.
As a child of divorce I ask that you let them decide, not dad or a court.

I feel that if they don't go, that's the marker. 9yo wants to see her dad. I don't know what he'd do if they weren't around tomorrow night. I'm scared of him too. He was removed from mediation and counselling (by two diff people, both women incidentally) for his abusive behaviour & shouting. Now it's starting on them, before it was only at me.

@FippertyGibbett thank you.

School won't get involved; its after all between you and he and he will further treat this as a battle to win.

How have contact arrangements been these past four years?.
Was this EOW a informal arrangement between you two so not arranged through the courts?. Such rarely if ever work with what you describe anyway as a "difficult" (is that also code for abusive) man. This is he further trying to exert his power and control over you and in turn his daughters by punishing you mainly and in turn them for you having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

I would get this latest incident documented with someone like a Solicitor and I would keep your children well away from him going forward.

Daughters have made their choice by the sound of it. Up to dad to apologise and take it from there...

I would also try and get some counselling for both girls here because they need to fully realise that what happened here re their dad driving off as he did was not their fault in any way. School should be able to do this at least.

I am so sorry to hear this.

My next step would be to listen to kids about how they feel.
Reassure them that I loved them
(Both of which I am sure you have done)

Then i would just leave the situation.

Presumably he is paying child maintenance and if that continues I'd assume he has decided being a dad is just too difficult. Which is sad and pathetic but not your fault or your problem.

Is there some sort of arragement where you are obligated to allow access to kids? If so, you may want to look into the legalities of them just not going.

Presumably the girls can talk to the school counsellors, and you.

If/when he does want to see the girls again could you access some sort of mediation where his children can tell him how it feels for their supposed 'adult' to walk out on you.

Has this behaviour totally surprised you or is this the way you know him to be/expected/ based on past experience?

He has behaved appallingly and I'd respect your dad's wishes not to visit again. If he wants to build bridges the ball is in his court.

Focus on the girls. Let them speak to someone who will help them understand his behaviour.

If they don't want to go then it's their choice.

Document everything.

"9yo wants to see her dad. I don't know what he'd do if they weren't around tomorrow night. I'm scared of him too. He was removed from mediation and counselling (by two diff people, both women incidentally) for his abusive behaviour & shouting. Now it's starting on them, before it was only at me."

I think your 9 year old needs protecting from this abusive man. If he wants to see her and she wants to see him find a safe way for this to happen without overnight stays. But hopefully she will see her sister's lead.

He is a knob and the sooner the kids work out you don't need to reward this vile behaviour with attention, the better. Hard for all but in the long run he seems to be alienating all the females he comes into contact with, and females are better off away from him.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat and everyone. You have me the strength to leave in January 2016 by chatting on here (different username).
Should I leave it to him to see if he texts to ask about the weekend? What if he turns up at school to collect 9yo and she's already left with me?
Should I be the bigger person and open a text dialogue, to encourage some repair? Otherwise he might never speak to them again. He's capable of that, but then they lose their relationship with their father, whatever it is.
Should I text to say they're unwilling to stay over, but would like to come for the day? Or leave it altogether this weekend (it should be their weekend with him tomorrow).
Or offer next Saturday day time? Next Sat is the 9yo bday, she was crying last night thinking her dad won't get her any presents.
I know it's his loss etc, but I need practical What Next steps. He blocked me on WhatsApp years ago, and throws away anything written.

'Otherwise he might never speak to them again'. Brilliant. That would be the best outcome!

Do not try to show kindness or compromise to him. His kind see these things as weakness. And they will attack weakness all the harder.

I would leave it up to him to get in contact.

Update - he's just texted 14yo asking if she's coming at the weekend...

You can't let the girls go to his when he's so volatile that he storms off and leaves them!

Tell him that he has to build their trust again and be steady in temperament and consistent. Once they are more comfortable, they can start staying at his again.

But honestly, I wouldn't be happy about them having them unsupervised if at all.

I think it would be worth raising concerns with social services if he's left the girls alone without telling the older one/arranging her to babysit the younger one.

As to practical next steps, support your older daughter to make her own choice about whether to do this weekend or not.

What the absolute fuck?

No they bloody shouldn't be going on the weekend, or anywhere with him until you've spoken to social services, and hopefully they've spoken to him.

He left a 9 year old in the care of your 14 year old, who didn't even know she was in her care. He put them in an unsafe situation thanks to his abusive actions.

Please call SS and ask for advice.

And now he's texted like nothing is wrong, asking if they're coming next weekend?

Congratulations, they are at the start of their abusive relationship with a nasty gaslighting prick.

Protect them.

It took me a long time to stand up to my 'difficult' ex.

My eldest went no contact due to his fathers bad behaviour. School also raises a safe guarding so social services phoned him for a chat. 🙄

I saw a solicitor and sought advice. I was basically told it was up to me to protect the children and deal with their dad.

They are both old enough to be listened to their wishes. And although he behaves badly. They will still love him and feel confused. Talk to them both about how they want to move forward with this. Allow them some breathing space. Ask school for some pastoral support for them and seek counselling if required.

It has taken me too long to realise that the kids dad can shout and throw a temper tantrum. But it is all noise. Because he has lost control. I just handle him in a professional tone. Factual and without emotion. And shut down the shouting with ' I won't be shouted at'.

@unicornsarereal72
How old are / were your DC?

Update - he had text chat with eldest on her phone, but won't say sorry. Said it's her fault for not ringing to find out where he was 🙄
I rung him, he didn't answer twice.
He then rung here, was unable to listen. I said 9yo was upset - "that's your fault for fucking leaving me and screwing them up, not mine". Er yes, nearly five years ago, because you are unable to listen, and are a bullying gaslighting oddbod.
I said, they'd like to come Sat and spend some time, not overnight this weekend until it's repaired a bit & they can trust you.
Him - they can come tomorrow as usual or not at all. He hung up.
Phew.

@Cantreasonwithunreasonable

Eldest was 12. Youngest was 5. That was over 3 years ago now.

Eldest went no contact for a year. Dad didn't get it and would shout and threaten him. It is only now he realises he has to go at the child's pace.

Youngest carried on with contact when dad could be bothered. But over nights stopped about 18 months ago due to his living circumstances.

I would send a text or email saying they would like to see him Saturday between x and y time. But not sleep over. And to confirm the arrangements. Otherwise you will assume he isn't coming and make your own plans.

@Cantreasonwithunreasonable what happened in the end. Hope you are all ok

That sounds like my gran. Always her way or no way. She was a neglectful and abusive parent to my mum and a truly horrid old woman. I stopped visiting when I turned 18 after yet another row and I didn’t see her again until she was dying 20 years later. She was still horrible. I do not feel I missed out in anyway by not having a relationship with her. I just didn’t have to deal with her crap. If the kids don’t want to go then don’t make them. He sounds awful. No Dad is better than a horrible and abusivd Dad.