Pregnancy, having a baby and maternity leave has killed relationship

[NightPower]

Because I now hate him. In my opinion he a rubbish partner, rubbish house mate, rubbish father and general arsehole.

Everything that has happened in the past has also bubbled to the surface and I can't let it go, like when he bought his ex an Xmas present but me nothing (5+ years ago should move on again). I feel angry and resentful towards him the whole time. He does nothing to help me. Brings nothing to my life. Would go as far to say nothing to my son's life. I feel very ragey just thinking about it.

Nothing is ever good enough. Monday - what did you buy for dessert, me - nothing (I have no bloody income!) him - not good enough. And no he gives me no money towards DS or food. I've saved hard for my maternity leave.

Yesterday I cooked a strudel (shop bought ages ago). "Did you get custard" "nope" "ice cream" "nope" cue sad face and puppy eyes and how can we possibly eat strudel without fucking custard or ice cream.

He drinks every day and it majorly pisses me off. Outside our house looks like a pub for all the bottles. It's embarrassing. Fortunately only our lovely next door neighbors see it.

Oh and he is always tired and achey. I can't possibly be as tired as him. I'm usually awake from 3 am onwards. But he works. I just sit on my fat arse all day doing f-all. Not picking up after him because he is too lazy to even make the bed in the morning. You know the one he obviously doesn't sleep in because he is soo tired.

I feel trapped by his backwards misogynistic ways and thinking. I just want to feel loved by a decent man and enjoy life again. I don't think we'll ever get back to that place as I harbour so much hurt, anger and resentment.

There's so much more but I'd never finish if I started. Apart from my son, who brings me such joy, I feel devoid of anything positive.

Hmm, it sounds like this oaf of a “partner” is the problem, not pregnancy, maternity etc. You say the problems go back years.

Is it time to call it a day? How complicated would it be?

Can you set things in motion to leave?

You're right. But we were in a good place before I became pregnant and then it went downhill and has continued. He said all the right things. I thought it was all good and then everything became an issue from pregnancy onwards and maternity leave has highlighted it. He has am turned into a "women do the house etc". He was never like that before, even with his ex. It's all new it would seem.

What are you waiting for? You don't need anyone's permission to end it, just have that conversation with him. See a solicitor, get away from him and trust me, you'll feel a million times better when you've LTB!

That's my plan. I feel sad walking away from my hard earned house and my belongings which pretty much furnish the place. But it is just stuff and just money. It's protected so I'll just look at it as a non-access savings account I guess.

Why isn't he contributing to food or your son's needs? Why has a cut to your income due to having your child together been treated as your problem and thing to save for alone?! That's just crazy.

It sounds like your tolerance for his bullshit has evaporated now you have a new priority. Quite rightly.

If you're staying together, you need to sort out something fair financially and he needs to start pulling his weight. But if he can't see how fucked up it is that you're the only one paying for your child together, then you're probably shit out of luck.

Can't you stay in the house and ask him to leave? I know it's harder, but if it's your house and furniture? Or at least rent a place and take all your furniture? When I"ve moved I always hired a man-with-a-van so much cheaper than a removals company.

How was it all good before your pregnancy? You mean he told you things that he knew you wanted to hear but given his track record, is no great surprise he’s like this now.

Use your anger as a catalyst to extricate yourself from this loser.

This sounds terrible OP. What a loser. You'd be much better off parenting alone.

@AgentJohnson I thought we'd worked through the issues and resolved them. No it isn't a great surprise in some ways. In others I didn't see it coming.

It's our house. I can't pay half the mortgage and rent. I'll have to move home.

Also I think your title is wrong. The experience of having a baby hasn't killed your relationship - he has.

Have you mentioned any of this to him? I could have written similar myself. Daughter is 10 months old, planned so we knew what we were getting into (not that an unplanned pregnancy should be any different), and at the beginning he was great but as soon as baby got easier, slept better, wasn't glued to my breasts, he became more alpha male and wanted dinner on the table, clean house etc when he got home. Even got to the point where if I'd had a bad day with baby, he told me he didn't want me to tell him about it. Eventually it all came to the surface and I lost it. I told him he's useless, does nothing, has no idea what parenting is because he doesn't fucking do it. He obviously threw this back in my face and so on, I told him to leave, he did and after 2 weeks of him realising that the grass is not greener on the other side, he came back. I've been very stern with him and told him my expectations. We've discussed having a 'rota' with baby - so on the weekends he will choose her outfits, so his fair share of nappies, loading her in and out of car, baths etc. And when I get up for work 3 days a week (I work from home the other 2), he will amuse baby from 5:30am-7am when I've gotten ready, eaten and made lunches/breakfasts for everyone.

It's going well. He's realised how much I do and how useless he was.

Please raise your issues. It seems like you've nothing to lose. Good luck OP!

@DriftGames it's an almost identical story here. But he was always a bit crap with DS. Then when he called me a cunt for not helping bring the shopping in quick enough it all started to fall down. I did the shopping from then on. I try and tell him but he is impossible to talk to. I've tried. I'm at the end now. I've got nothing left inside me.

Don’t put up with this OP. Talk to a solicitor so that you can find out where you stand legally. You might not have to move.

You shouldn’t be spending all of your money. It’s his baby too.

Well, he sound alike an ogre.

What irl support do you have? You know you can't live like this, so what will you do?

Fwiw, my dad used to say exactly that to my mum (sitting round on your fat arse doing nothing all day) when she was the one that did everything except earn a wage. That was all he did (earn a wage) and I think he expected a medal for it!

It's deeply unattractive. Life can be so lovely when you're in a proper partnership, or when you're not being dragged down by a cunt.

I think it’s very telling that you identified pregnancy and maternity leave as the catalyst for your problems. I think pregnancy and maternity leave have made you an easier target and you are slowly realising your previous behaviour of making excuses and ignoring his twatery hasn’t got you anywhere.

He’s always been an entitled prat and you’re just realising how deep the twatery goes.

You need to leave. He doesn't respect you or provide for his child. I'm afraid there's no coming back from some of the things you've described in your posts.

Eventually, the house will need to be sold and the proceeds split. Your share will be (potentially a lot) more than 50% since you have the child to house. He will have to pay you child benefit. Definitely try to get legal advice.

I would say get the wheels in motion to leave and mean it. You've said there's no point in taking to him, otherwise I would have said lay it on the table and tell him you're ending the relationship if he doesn't pull his weight.

His attitude would make me lose any respect or attraction to him....you need to tell him this.

By moving home, do you mean to your parents? I would do that for the time being, and in the meantime set the legal wheels in motion.

The financial crap is already untenable (I hear this often on here and tbh it always makes me - who are all these men who think a '50/50 split' is reasonable when their partner is on maternity leave with their child?), but he cannot speak to you the way he has without irredeemably destroying your relationship. The way you describe your feelings, you know this, and if you were expecting people to tell you this is just the way it is and to put up with it, you're not going to get that here, on MN.

Don't let this twat trap you into a lifetime of being his domestic servant.

He said all the right things

That there is the problem. Saying and doing is two different things.

LTB

as soon as baby got easier, slept better, wasn't glued to my breasts, he became more alpha male and wanted dinner on the table, clean house etc when he got home.

The bigger the macho, the smaller the brains... And the balls...

Stop spending your money on food and anything else that he benefits from. Tell him it is over. Don't cook for him or do his washing. Get on with your plans to sell up and leave.