Controlling ex - do I have to do this?

[Ifyouarenttheone]

My ex is a controlling man, it's why I left. We have one dc. Ex has told me that I must inform him of every appointment dc has both medical and other wise before they happen.

Now as far as I understood I only have to inform him of when an actual decision needs to be made in regards to medical treatment. Am I correct? Or should I be informing him of all appointments?

You really dont need to inform him of anything.
Unless maybe your kid is due an operation or given a new medication which he will need to make sure DC takes if staying over.

@Bunnymumy

You really dont need to inform him of anything. Unless maybe your kid is due an operation or given a new medication which he will need to make sure DC takes if staying over.

Yes totally agree He's gonna try control you through your child , tell him go to hell

I wouldn't say that was controlling (if you hadent told us what he was like.

As a mother wouldn't you want to know about appointments in advance? There can't be that many appointments?

I'd get a shared calendar app that you only put in DC's appointments, then its his responsibility to check the app if he wants to know so badly.

I can't even buy new clothes for my DD8 without my exh having a fit because I didn't tell him - and he doesn't even pay a penny in support, he's just THAT controlling. Having said that, I do tell him about doctors and dentist as standard just to keep him in the loop regarding her health.

Yep a shared calendar app or something like that is the way to go.
Something he can check out himself but which you don't need to communicate with him any further about.

Yeh but I'm sure op doesn't want him actually turning up to these appointments when she is there though? So a shared callander might not be wise.

There are more controlling aspects but things I know that I don't have to tell ex. I have him threatening me left right and centre if I don't do things so it isn't a case of needing to know if he is controlling, I got that memo a long time ago.

He wants me to tell him about the appointments so we can discuss them in advance. most likely what I am to tell them. Now usually I'd just ignore, but legally speaking as he has pr do I have to tell him about these appointments in advance?

Ignore him op. Practice it until you can manage it perfectly...

@Sunnydaysstillhere that's the problem, usually I do, but because he keeps saying he has pr so he needs to be informed in advance about doctor's appointments I thought it was only when decisions are to be made.

And dc is currently being assessed for a couple of development issues, things ex is aware of, but because of there's there are a few appointments coming up. So he is aware of the issues and that there are referrals for appointments but he specially wants to know when these are to discuss them.

This is someone who told me not to tell the health visitor we had split up if not social will get involved and take dc away.

Nah, theres no point unless he is the one meant to be taking the child. And no it's not it illegal not to tell him..honestly the shite his lot come out with xD

He can go and whistle. If it wasnt this it would be some other shite. I'd just be like 'yeah sure I will' (in person nothing in writing ideally). And then just, not xD

You could even say they were cancelled due to covid if you want xD

Does your DC have a medical condition which requires ongoing treatment?

If so, then I would notify him (via textor take a photo of the appointment letter) , but I wouldn't enter a discussion with him if they were routine appointments or follow ups.

If a new treatment (if applicable to your situation) is to be discussed with the medical professionals, then it's appropriate for him to know. If he wants to be present, he can, but I get the feeling he just wants to annoy you with unnecessary discussion for the sake of it and to irritate you.

but he specially wants to know when these are to discuss them.

I can understand him wanting to know the outcome of the appointments.... but is he wanting to discuss with you in advance? If so, I don't see the point in discussing beforehand.

@SandyY2K no treatment, dc has a problem with walking and they suspect autism but too early to tell. So the appointments are assessments really, no meds being given or treatment. If it were any kind of treatment etc id let him know. Irony of it all is he doesn't actually care, except to control me.

@SandyY2K yes he is wanting to discuss beforehand. I always let him know the outcome, not that he gives two fks. Cut off all communication with him at the beginning of the year and went through my sister, he told her he wasn't going to find out how his daughter was through a third party.. so yeah, great guy . But if legally I don't have to tell him that is fine, obviously give updates but as for discussing before so he can try control what I say and do.. no thanks.

In court he tried to get an order to say I couldn't discuss certain things with dcs health professionals, judge threw it out but still.

Whilst not trying to trivialise (I do get it) I think in this you need to see his point. If my daughters father took her to medical
Appointments and I didn't know- I'd be miffed. No discussion though- inform him of the time and place and he can attend or not, but that you don't need to discuss it. If he wants to raise questions, he can do it himself.

The lines to use are "I don't know", "not sure", "hmm hmm, I see your point", "got to go".

Grey rock him OP rather than feed his control. A discussion takes two people, be bland, distracted, uncertain and don't let him goad you into more.

@SD1978 to be honest I wouldn't want him attending. But if I gave him the date of the appointment. Then after an update that could work. Again not that I think he cares but at least I'm giving him info

I find usually- they have no intention of attending- it's control and bullshit. I doubt he'd take time to attend- like you say- it's control and BS. You remove the control by giving an option you both know he's not going to take, and remove the power of forcing you to talk to him about something that, to a lot of outsiders, seems perfectly reasonable. He has the same ability as you to attend, and you can give an email update, maybe even a copy of the summary via email, and he has the chance to attend the next appointment and ask any questions he wants.

But if I gave him the date of the appointment.
Then after an update that could work.

This is perfect. You don't have to discuss beforehand. He knows these appointments are for assessment purposes and you'll let him know the outcome.

There's really no discussion required.

By informing him of the time and date, you are keeping him updated. Although you don't want him there, you can't really stop him attending, but from what you've said...he doesn't really want to attend anyway, so it's not likely to be an issue.

Get a parenting app then he can see the appointments on the calendar

[quote Ifyouarenttheone]@Sunnydaysstillhere that's the problem, usually I do, but because he keeps saying he has pr so he needs to be informed in advance about doctor's appointments I thought it was only when decisions are to be made.

And dc is currently being assessed for a couple of development issues, things ex is aware of, but because of there's there are a few appointments coming up. So he is aware of the issues and that there are referrals for appointments but he specially wants to know when these are to discuss them.

This is someone who told me not to tell the health visitor we had split up if not social will get involved and take dc away.[/quote]
This smacks of control. Take control yourself and tell him what you think is necessary for your own sanity

He doesn’t like the 3rd party filter of your sister does he!?! He must be going distracted not getting his fix of bullying, harassment and control.

Keep that up.

YOU know he has zero interest and this is only to poke, provoke and punish you. He thinks he has a chink of light to winkle his way in.

Don’t let him. There is nothing for you both to discuss - your DC is being assessed by a professional - this may take many appointments and many referrals until a final assessment is made - nothing for the two of you to “discuss”.

Your DSis could throw him a bone:

“There are to be a series of separate referrals to a range of specialists for assessment who will as a multi disciplinary team consolidate their assessments and conclude any diagnosis at the end. It’s expected the outcome will be communicated in 6 months and this of course will be shared with you”

Well done for stepping back and up to see his scheming tactics. Assume EVERYTHING he does is to punish and provoke you. But you can thwart him at every turn. Need big sweeping strategic measures to knock him out of the park for months at a time so that your time, focus, emotional energy and headspace is conserved and prioritised for you and your DC - and not drained and polluted by his nonsense.

I typically do take control and brush him off, he has the contact details for the GP, paeds doctor at the development clinic, health visitor.. takes absolutely no interest. On one occasion he has accused me of not not informing him on the outcome of some test, long story short dc has a food allergy/intolerance but because of covid GPs said we aren't seeing people face to face so just try eliminating from diet, I done this informed ex on GPs advice. Dcs symptoms cleared and gp said no need to test at a later date as it's clear what's causing the issue. Now it slipped my mind to inform ex but he was obviously still not giving dc said food. Fast forward 3 months later he is putting in an application to courts for an order saying I hadn't informed him on tests results.. my response, no tests where carried out but ex could have contacted myself or gp at any point yet left it 3 months.

@Sssloou oh he hates having to go through dsis, she is a police officer as well and often puts him in his place. You can tell the change in his behaviour when she is around. He already said he didn't want my family being an influence on dc.

That’s hilarious that your DSis is a police officer - I bet he can’t stomach that he’s not above the law.

Keep it this way. Just ignore him trying to rattle your cage. He can harass and contact all of the medics direct - tell him to get anything he wants from the horses mouth. Nothing to discuss.