I have just been dumped by a guy I've been seeing for the last 9 months. Not a long time, and we spent more time not ACTUALLY being able to see each other and going for socially distanced walks than anything. So why does it hurt so much??
He basically said he doesn't want a relationship. He did but now Covid has ruined his job etc, he doesn't anymore. He says he doesn't want to lose me from his life and he would like us to stay in touch but ball is in my court.
We got so, so close during lockdown because we were both at the other end of the phone 24/7. We have pretty much been texting or on the phone all the time. We talk about anything and everything. We were always making plans, even minor silly things about when we would be able to spend time together again. I had no reason to believe things would be any different afterwards. Then when restrictions actually got lifted, he seemed so reluctant to actually see me and claimed he still felt nervous about Covid. It was only when I got to the point of saying ok, covid is here for the long run so this probably won't work if that's how you feel, that he insisted he just hadn't realised and made plans.
When we did do things together, he would make so much effort. He'd bring me little things he knew I liked. He would make an effort with his appearance etc. He lived 40 miles away and would drive all the way to me just so we could go for a walk. He would offer to help me out with all sorts of little things I needed. But he was still not forthcoming at all in making plans. I honestly thought he was really into me and the reluctance of seeing me was purely Covid related as he had said it was.
He now said that he was reluctant to see me because he felt that he didn't want us to get too used to each other, end up back in lockdown and he didn't know if he was going to want a relationship by the end of it. He said he likes me too much to lead me on like that. Honestly, while I know it was unlikely to be this malicious, it just took me back to all the gaslighting from my ex partner. I KNEW there was a reason, my gut told me there was, but he hid behind Covid and because he was great in every other way I believed him. And now I feel like an idiot. He didn't even tell me of his own accord. I had to get it out of him.
Now, I just feel utterly SHITE.
Shite that it was left on such a bad note as I was so hurt. I told him to leave it now when he was trying to explain himself and he said i really do like you a lot and I think you're top and so much fun to spend time with, I really hope you don't hate me. And I didn't reply. I don't want him to think I hate him, but I can't talk to him right now because if he tries to suggest we still chat then im not strong enough to just say no, goodbye.
Shite because I am so accustomed to having him at the end of the phone that I just cannot get him out of my mind. I can't get used to picking up my phone and not having heard from him. I can't get used to not sending him screenshots of all sorts.
Shite because everything bloody reminds me of him because I spent most of my time rattling about this house talking to him.
Can anyone help me from stopping feeling shite with some motivational words? I kind of just needed an outlet to ramble on really. Please don't remind me how pathetic this is. I'm aware I'm a grown adult getting upset about a non-relationship and I feel daft enough about that 