Am I going to have a custody battle?

[sophmum31]

Hi all,

I’m separated from my controlling narc husband and in the process of starting divorcing. He is finding his loss of control very difficult. We have two kids 14 & 10, our 14 year old does not like her dad very much (although he is now playing Disney dad so trying to win her round).

He’s just told me that upon the divorce, he will buy me out of the marital home (there is a history of financial abuse) and because of this he will be fighting for custody of the children as the courts will not want them to have to move house. I will be able to afford my own house in an good area for the children. I have a job where I pick the children up and drop them off each day, I have provided 90% of the childcare all their lives and am very close to both children. He has been a hands off kind of dad. He says he has contacted a local woman who can provide childcare while he works.

Just wondering if anyone has experience of this. Would he ever be awarded full custody just because he will be in the house they currently live in to avoid them moving? Would the courts give him custody when they would be looked after by a stranger when I could be looking after them? I am not trying to deny him shared custody and would be happy to make a 50/50 arrangement but this is unacceptable to him!

I have no direct experience but from all the many, many posts with similar threats from abusive partners, he would never get full custody on the basis of a house! The interests of children are paramount and their emotional welfare is much more important than a bedroom.
I also don't think he can just decide to buy you out. It has to be agreed by both sides and you should not do so until everything has gone through solicitors on both sides.

I’ll preface this by saying I’m not a solicitor.

Your 14 YO will pretty much be able to dictate her own wishes as to where she lives and who she lives with and the court will take the 10 YO’s wishes into account (and won’t want to split the siblings). I don’t think he’d have a strong case for majority care, regardless of whether he stays in the FMH or not.

What pog wrote

What you are seeing here is yet more abusive behaviour from him; he will remain abusive post divorce and separation too. He will likely also try and use the children here as a weapon to further beat you up with; infact he is doing that now. (Do not go to mediation with him either if this is offered).

Its not up to him to dictate terms to you like this so do not further be a walkover here. I sincerely hope you have a really good solicitor here to deal with the likes of him.

Could you afford the mortgage and all the household bills on your own?
If so, ask your solicitor about a mesher order.

You don’t necessarily have to move out. If there is a history of abuse, tell your solicitor and you should be able to get legal fees paid. You need an hour with a good solicitor but in all my years I’ve never known anyone get custody because of a house! It’s only bricks and mortar. As long as you are providing a decent living environment then you’ll be fine. Keep your nose clean. No blokes until divorce is finalised. No drunk photos on Facebook. Shut down all social media. Be squeaky clean. Keep a diary of what he’s up to. Keep copies of all messages sent. Prove history of control.

He's talking crap to scare you. You'll get a lot more of this. Don't let him scare you - the courts will see through him, and financially you're in a strong position. Your DC are of an age where they will also see through him and be able to make many of their own choices.

More abuse OP.
Get good legal advice.
Well done for getting away.

The most he'd get is 50/50. Him living in the old family home means nothing. Your eldest is old enough to decide what she wants and the courts would even listen to your 10 year old I'm guessing to. He is still being abusive. Ignore his threats and let him take you to court. Don't engage with him unless you have too.

Do you want him to buy you out of the marital home? Why has he decided that? Disposal of assets has to be agreed by both parties. If you can’t afford to buy him out then the property can be sold and any equity divided. He is not in charge of the terms of your divorce. You both are.

Generally, As you have been the primary carer, the children will live with you.
he is being a bully to frighten you.
Make an aptmnt at the CAB or get yourself a SHL, & follow their advice

The most he would get is 50/50 and that is not guaranteed - Cafcass recommended a 5/9 split for me which the court agreed with and were fully aware of my abusive ex and his tactics.

On another point I would recommend you go for a clean break, whether he buys you out or you sell the house and both take your share (you may be entitled to a larger share depending on pensions etc). I would avoid a Mesher Order as this will just tie you to the abuse for longer. Get what you need and get out. Your older DD can speak up now on where she wants to stay and the courts may get involved in your younger DC but you expect 50/50 at the most

As said before at 14 your child is of an age to say which parent they want to be resident. It is unusual to separate siblings.

If he took this to court Cafcass would be appointed to speak to the children and from there a report is written, a judge generally takes the recommendation.

Finances are separate, infact a judge would look to ensure that both parties have adequate housing provisions if it can be afforded.

He is trying to frighten you