8 year relationship, mother & mental health declining, want to talk to people who understand & can give advice

[dani1394]

Hi everyone who reads this, I really need some advice & opinions on my life. I have been with my partner for 8 years. I myself am 26 & he is 32. I have 1 son with him who is 6. We have never managed to be happy for long periods of time. Through this entire 8 years I can feel so much pain in my body & I’m starting to now feel like I can’t cope. I want to be great full for my life, but I absolutely hate it. My sons father is verbally destructive, he blames me for his poor behaviour. For work he is busy every day & most nights in the Illegal drug industry. He is very happy with his money & friends. I don’t ask him to change his job, or complain about what he chooses to do, like I did many years ago. He has a very loving kind side, which is why I have stayed so long. BUT during arguments he will not come home for 1-4 days at a time, he has his own house local to our family home, where I have never been allowed to know the address of due to the risk that imposed on his safety but this makes me sad also. He also often comes home at 3am often drunk. I try to call his phone way to many times during these occurrences out of desperation & I make it all worse. He tells me how he f*cking hates me whenever we argue, almost daily. He tells me I am the problem who is just his the way, like a bad luck charm & I do nothing to help him in his life. He thinks that I make problems & that I’m a physco. I have tried so many times to sit down & talk, make schedules and agreements, but it all boils down to this. I don’t know why I always end up back with him when I know the pain I will be in. I don’t know why I do this to myself, this time I feel on the verge of a mental breakdown. I feel so emotionally exhausted from constantly explaining how I feel & being so desperate for it to work. I had a secure stable job, until I came out with serious health conditions that prevent me from leaving home very much, I am still financially stable without him. I was with him when he was broke & penniless, now he is very rich and spends on gold & designer things all of the time. I also feel embarrassed walking around with him in public, with all of his huge chains & designer clothes. I think it’s because I know what lays behind it. I don’t have family support or much friendship support. I needed to get this out, thank you for reading x

Oh my god, leave him. I don't say that lightly. He sounds horrendous. You say you're financially stable on your own. Do it for you and your child.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read about my life & taking the time to reply. I recently left him & ended up back with him. I want to let things fall apart and walk away for good. Every time I say I won’t take him back & then he makes me feel loved & I do. I want to love myself more & put myself first and be able to have the courage to not turn back. I guess it’s pretty clear this isn’t actually real love at all :(

I want you to ask yourself something. Why would a 24 year old want to date an 18 year old? If you’re 26, that means by the time you were 24, you now had a 4-year-old child, so you can see the huge gap between you and an 18-year-old girl. When you’re in your 30s or 40s, that much or an age difference may not matter when you start dating, but when you start dating at 18? It’s a huge difference, and it points to the fact that he’s probably always wanted someone with less life experience than him, that he could control.

Here is the issue. You are being abused. Your abuser may still love you. But that doesn’t stop him from hurting you. And when he does those lovey dovey things for a bit to get you to come back after you’ve been strong enough to either leave or kick him out, it’s called love-bombing, because he tries to bomb you with what looks like love and destroy your defenses. So, yes, maybe he loves you. But he needs to love you enough to STOP hurting you, and if he won’t stop after eight years, he’s not going to stop. I’m sorry.

There is nothing wrong with you. The average woman has to try several times to leave a man who treats her badly. If you already left and came back, it does NOT mean you won’t succeed at leaving him. And you must leave, for yourself (to have the life you deserve) and for your DS (so he knows that’s not how you or women should be treated). In order to be able to leave successfully, you need to make a plan, and that’s where places like Women’s Aid can help, even if you don’t need financial assistance. They can help you make a step by step plan of how to get out of your relationship and stay out of your relationship, and recommend you do the Freedom Programme - if this is the only romantic treatment you’ve known since 18, of course you’re confused and really need some help.

Good luck, OP. You deserve to be happy.

I stopped at illegal drug industry. That’s enough to LTB.