Arguing after baby born

alexio · 2020-09-22T18:08:30+00:00

Since my baby was born just before lockdown all me and my husband do is argue. Mostly about little trivial things but he always makes out that everything is my fault. I'm pregnant also now and just feel like it's constant. Is this normal? Or am I the only one this happened to?

Flamingnora123 · 22/09/2020 19:35

Oh mate, pregnant with a little baby - I have no idea how you're managing that. Yes, it is completely normal but I don't know if that makes it OK. It shouldn't be normal. I've very nearly left my husband after 2 of my 3 children. It changes the dynamic and expectations, you both feel like the other doesn't appreciate or value you, and you're undoubtedly sleep deprived. On top of this dealing with whatever is your fallout from covid. Try to be kind to yourself and see if you can manage a heart to heart without attacking each other. It's such a hard time for relationships, I'm sorry this isn't very helpful but you have my empathy!!

Original poster

alexio · 22/09/2020 19:41

Thanks, feel like I'm not alone anymore. It's just so difficult, the constant arguing and blame is getting me down so much. We have 2 days off together a week as he works the rest and isn't home till late and we argue several times.
Maybe I am always in the wrong, I don't know…

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RedRumTheHorse · 22/09/2020 20:00

You are not wrong. You are both knackered and trap with each other except when he's at work.

Cauterize · 22/09/2020 20:03

Yes we argued all the time. Competitive tiredness, was a particular low point.

There were many times I was certain I wanted a divorce.

Itllbeaninterestingchristmas · 22/09/2020 20:06

First baby is like a bomb going off in a relationship. OH and I still pointlessly engage is competitive tiredness now we’ve got baby number two. Things do improve, they get used to you doing less and them doing more and your standards drop significantly. It will pass

JoJoSM2 · 22/09/2020 20:06

We felt closer together when our LO was born. It’s easy to get grumpy when you’re exhausted but we always tried to remember that we’re on the same team.

User0ne · 22/09/2020 20:21

It's hard to say whether it's normal or not without more information.

Me and DH were closer after Ds1, I wanted to kill him after Ds2 and now I'm pregnant with dc3.

I had Ds1&2 close together (16m gap) and it definitely strained our relationship, me and probably DH.

Things that helped we're making sure I got some "me time" away from the kids. For a while I would hand him the baby when he came in and either sit in the car with tea and a magazine or go for a walk by myself. I found having other mum friends invaluable and that lack of someone to "share the shittiness" must be making things really difficult for new mums at the moment.

I hope you start time feel/things get better soon.

Original poster

alexio · 30/09/2020 22:27

We had a few good days there and now feel like we are back to square one. He has had 2 days off this yesterday and today. Went to do a sport yesterday with a family member, I had no issues with that glad he's getting to catch up with them and enjoy himself. I had planned for us to go out as a family today for dinner and some Xmas shopping, the first day we've spent as a family in over a week. He then decided we were going out with mother in law (myself and her not on good terms) and I said I was upset as I had planned a day. He blew up about this went in a mood last, being very rude etc and then decided we would just do our original plan. He moans that he never gets to spend time with baby due to work/work hours but on his days off barely spends any time with baby he would rather do his own thing such as clean. I know you're probably things great husband wants to clean but it is obsessive and things that could wait until baby in bed or I have done the previous day. Tonight he was emptying drawers in our room where baby sleeps and I asked him to stop as baby needed to go to bed but he continued for another hour banging about. The thing that has hit me the most tonight is baby's bottom is very red due to constipation and was skin was bleeding slightly due to this (going to pharmacy to get something tomorrow for it) and I told him just incase he got a fright when changing a nappy and he turned round and said in a horrible tone 'well what do you want me to do about it'. I just felt horrible I wasn't asking him to do anything only telling him as above. I thought he would be concerned but obviously wasn't.
Honestly just don't even know any more......

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Original poster

alexio · 30/09/2020 22:27

Sorry for the super long post. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this

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HumptyD · 30/09/2020 23:13

It’s really common (doesn’t mean it’s ok so keep an eye on it obviously) but I don’t know many couples who don’t do this after a baby. It’s the tiredness and everything just escalates. You find yourself competing on who is the most tired etc, with my eldest son everything his dad did drove me mad for at least 6 months, I was so tired and he would get in After working away all week, coo over him for 15 mins then it would be right I’m off
To the gym, home, shower dinner, babies in bed.. so even when they are they you feel like they may aswel not be and it’s difficult not to snap and bicker when your that tired and feel like your doing everything. Well everything Important while he cleans a drawer out.. and your pregnant too so I can’t imagine how you feel! It’s not you, it’s him xxx

LilyWater · 01/10/2020 01:44

To be honest, you sound like you like being in control of things e.g. the running of the house, baby routine and family social time but you need to understand that your husband is an equal partner in this. For example , why did you assume that he should automatically go with your original plan of dinner/ xmas shopping etc.? Surely he has a crucial say in how he spends downtime, especially as he has so much less time with the baby due to his job. Also just because you don't get on with his mother doesn't mean he cant spend quality time with her and likewise the baby as he/she is her grandchild (assuming of course there's no safeguarding concerns) .

Make sure you don't get in the way of him having dedicated 1 on 1 time with the baby and don't be constantly hovering trying to take control. He/she is just as much his child as yours and they need to bond and it doesn't need to be on your terms/exactly how you would do it!

It's important you work it all out now because unfortunately if your husband starts feeling you're continually putting up unnecessary barriers it can lead to him starting to disengage from you, and ultimately family life, to avoid arguments and stress...

Arrivederla · 01/10/2020 06:22

The cleaning out drawers thing is absolutely ridiculous and he needs to be pulled up on that.

I generally agree that this is a difficult time in any relationship and you need to try to communicate and understand how the other one feels, but also don't be tiptoeing around him all the time. I feel like I went from a reasonably equal relationship to something that was very one sided after the dc were born because I didn't want to argue in front of them... it's tricky, but it's definitely not all you.

LunaLula83 · 01/10/2020 06:54

All normal and everything will be your fault. Mine is 3 and apparently calm waters are just around the corner.

FippertyGibbett · 01/10/2020 07:00

He sounds like hard work.

Original poster

alexio · 01/10/2020 07:16

@LilyWater

To be honest, you sound like you like being in control of things e.g. the running of the house, baby routine and family social time but you need to understand that your husband is an equal partner in this. For example , why did you assume that he should automatically go with your original plan of dinner/ xmas shopping etc.? Surely he has a crucial say in how he spends downtime, especially as he has so much less time with the baby due to his job. Also just because you don't get on with his mother doesn't mean he cant spend quality time with her and likewise the baby as he/she is her grandchild (assuming of course there's no safeguarding concerns) .

Make sure you don't get in the way of him having dedicated 1 on 1 time with the baby and don't be constantly hovering trying to take control. He/she is just as much his child as yours and they need to bond and it doesn't need to be on your terms/exactly how you would do it!

It's important you work it all out now because unfortunately if your husband starts feeling you're continually putting up unnecessary barriers it can lead to him starting to disengage from you, and ultimately family life, to avoid arguments and stress...

He does have a say in how he spends his downtime, like I say he went out for a day his self the day before (I have absolutely no issue with that we all need some time to ourselves) but when we hadn't had any time as a family for over a week to spend time together I didn't appreciate him changing premade plans that we had been looking forward to. My MIL treats me like absolute shit and DH knows this but won't step up and do anything to help the issue. He is also able to have 1:1 time with baby without me hanging around but usually he will do it for 5-10 minutes and that is all

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