Hi,
I am a 46 year old male. My wife and I have decided to divorce. We have two lovely, wonderful amazing children. I am absolutely terrified about not seeing my children everyday. I am also terrified that any financial settlement will reduce me to poverty and favour my wife.
I have stayed in this relationship for over a decade, despite knowing that it is not healthy for me. My wife, to outsiders, is very outgoing, full of energy and always happy. With me, she is rude, controlling and always angry. She constantly gaslights, saying that she has told me something, given me information, but that I 'wasn't listening', when she actually hasn't said anything. The children also say this happens to them. My wife has thought it, so you must know that she has thought it. One example is when I was sat in the car with the kids about 20 metres from our house. My wife got in the car, and when we arrived at our destination, she admonished me for not checking whether our daughter had her drink bottle- because she had told me to check. I asked when this was. She replied that she had asked me when she was at the front door- 20 meters away while I was in a locked car, where I could not possibly hear her, let alone give a response. This happens all the time.
My wife says that she has no 'off switch'. She has alienated a lot of my friends as she has been rude and condescending to them. She shouted at two of my friends when they arrived at our house (they had been delayed due to a blocked road) for delaying dinner. Another friend who came on holiday with a group of us said that she held back from making an intervention as my wife was continually being rude to me and talking rudely. This was when I was staying up with our 10 month old daughter all night and trying to prevent her from crying. We were in a big house in the Lake District, but my wife had decided that now was the ideal time to experiment with 'controlled crying'. I explained that this was not the time and highly inconsiderate to the other people in the house. This was one of the first times that she said 'only a mother has a say in the upbringing of a child'.
My daughter and I have always had a special connection. I did the majority of the night feeds and was always changing nappies. I cleaned the house, washed the dishes and before I left for work, made sure that I had made lunch for my wife as she said that she was having trouble coping. She had become friendly with a woman who was involved in a violent relationship who had said I was weird because I fed, changed and took an active role in my daughter's upbringing. This woman (who had no children of her own at the time) convinced my wife that feed on demand was utterly wrong and that my daughter should be trained to be fed when my wife wanted. I did not let this happen and my wife threatened to move out (into the house with the woman involved in the violent relationship- the husband had recently broken his fist after repeatedly punching the wall while holding his wife by the throat). This didn't happen thankfully- but what rights would I have had?
Finances have always been an issue. My wife is self employed and has always worked part time (even before I met her) because she says she needs 'creative time'. When we first moved in, I worked out how we should contribute to our budget. She gave me a figure given by her accountant and it meant that I would be paying 85% and her 15%. I was earning £35000 at the time. I really struggled and could not understand how she was getting by in her own flat on such a low wage. It turned out she was earning £8000 a year more NET NOT GROSS more than that. She said that her accountant (who turned out to be her ex-boyfriend- more on that later) had told her to give me a lower figure. She then ended the conversation by saying 'if it is any consolation, I spent it all'.
When we got our first mortgage, she went to this accountant (apparently a financial adviser too). He told us we would never get a mortgage as he had checked with all the banks I was a 'financial liability and she should dump me ASAP'. This was four months before the birth of out first child. I sought alternative advice and got us a mortgage offer the next day- from one of the institutions that he claimed wouldn't touch me. Turns out he'd never sorted a mortgage out before. She had complete faith in him and told me that we would never get a mortgage as he had said so- all the way through the process. It was a total battle. We got a mortgage.
I apologise that this is coming out as a rant, but I need to vent.
We have not had a sex life for several years. She says that 'making love' is nonsense, that emotion is not linked to sex and that she cannot understand why I think it would be. She says sex is a purely physical act only. Trying to cuddle her afterwards was always rebuffed as 'I don't want to lie here, I want to get up and do something instead'.
Three years ago I found text messages on her phone from an ex-boyfriend on her phone. She had texted 'I really miss you' and 'I cannot wait to see you again'. Before anyone thinks that I went through her phone, we were in a restaurant, she had given it to our son to play with, he had opened the text messages and I presented my wife with it there and then.
For her 40th I arranged a surprise lunch at a restaurant with all her work colleagues and our children. For my 40th I got a card and was told that I didn't have a present as she had 'been to busy' and 'would see if she could get one the following week.' When I bought this up the following week, she said I was ridiculous for wanting a present and 'it was only a birthday and meant nothing'.
Her parents gave offered £100000 towards our new house. She demanded that the money be paid direct to her straight away 'or we would lose the house' and I had to write a tactful email telling them NOT to do this and how thankful we were. (Her mother, when I went to their house to ask her father for his permission to marry her did say 'she is, er, difficult, you know).
The house sale was a nightmare. We were having trouble selling the house. We had divided responsibilities. I would handle the mortgage and solicitors and she would handle the estate agent. When the house failed to move I suggested telling the estates that we were looking at a 'buy your house- move into our new estate' scheme- that might gee them up a little. She then proceeded to tell the estate agents 'My husband told me to tell you this- what do you think about that?'. She fought me on the house sale, the mortgage, everything. I wanted us to work as a team, instead she tried to arrange things without telling me. She even got it into her head that we could pay £5000 less than the asking price, so I arranged the mortgage for that. Turns out it was just something that she thought- not something the seller of the house had offered.
I am going to stop now with what I have proposed to the wife about this. She keeps the equity in the house, including the £100000 gift from her parents. That is hers. I keep my pension and I do not pay her any maintenance at all. Clean break. I would of course pay child support. I do feel that she needs to get real. I pay for full time child care after school, when she only works part time through choice (the 'creative time' I was talking about earlier on). I would also like to have a life and start again. There is no-one else involved on my side- although I do not deny that I am utterly lonely and would love to have the chance to love and be loved- something that this 'relationship' never has been close to giving. My wife has said that she does not love me and just wants to be on her own, but came in this afternoon saying that she wanted to try again, because 'it would mean that she 'would have less money'. I don't want to. This has been long and ranting, I apologise, but I am just fed up. And this is just my point of view of course.