Relate or trial seperation?

[Cosmo74]

i really want to save my marraige and think hubby does too - we have been having arguements over the same thing for years and everytime we say things will change and we will try harder but that only last a few weeks. I cannot put up with it anymore and it is not fair on the kids that I am so unhappy and that they never see us showing love and affection towards on and other - we don't argue openly in front of then but sometimes the odd nasty comment is said - but now we are at the stage where we just don't talk to each other. I have mentioned relate to hubby before but he said he is not going to talk to a stranger about our problems - I have thought about going myself but will it do any good - i think he needs to listen to what I need to say and I would like to hear what he has to say - if he will not agree to go I am thinking about a trial seperation - for maybe a month or so to see if that will kick start us into trying to sort ourselves out.

Anyone have experience of both and what were the outcomes - i would like to hear both good and bad - anyone have trial seperation and get back together?

Thanks in advance

anyone got any advice or experience? he will be home from work soon and kids will be home was hoping for some advice so we could talk later?

What feels right for you? If you bothe want to work on your relationship then Relate would seem like the right step, if you feel that it really isn't going anywhere then a trial seperation may put things into perspective, you will either be happier and then it may be the right thing to call it a dayy, or down right miserable and realise there is so much to loose that you will work hard to get things back on an even keel again. Good luck

i'm - we're - doing relate at the moment. we're only at the start of the process so i can't add too much about that really. i wouldn't have considered a trial separation before relate because (1) how does a trial separation help you to explore and overcome your difficulties as a couple? (2) the practicalities would be such for us that a way back would be difficult (3) worse for the kids in the short term.

that's just my 2c, but i'd say do relate before considering separation.

hth and good luck.

i have just seperated from my partner......his refusal to talk has been a big issue here.

how would he react if you suggested a trial seperation? do you think the threat of it would be enough to get him along to Relate? how about suggesting he comes to one session......and that's all the committment you want for the time being? maybe getting him there will open him up to the idea. And going on your own if he won't go, might not be a bad idea....they may help you to be able to deal with him better.

my situation is slightly different to yours.....but i would say avoid seperation if you can avoid it. it really has been a last resort for me. It did prompt my ex to finally face up to his problems (all of them, not just issues with us)........but i would have liked to have salvaged my relationship before it got the point of no return.

I think the ultimation of going to relate or separation might get him there but he needs to know you are serious so-pack a few bags? arange somewhere to go for a night atleast? friends mums etc and if he shrug it off then go

I'd recommend Relate. I went with my ex-dh when he wanted to leave. I initially wanted the Relate counsellor to 'make him behave' and get us back togther - which she couldn;t of course. But when he left I carried on going on my own and it really helped me come to terms with my new life and it made me realise what I wanted from a relationship and I saw afterwards that ex-dh couldn't have provided me with what I wanted in a million years.

i really do not want to separate either - but not sure if i can persuade him to go to relate - I would like him to realise that we need it - i think he just thinks i go off in a rant and he lets me get it off my chest - he helps out for a while and then we go back to arguing as it all builds up in me - i hate it when we are not talking so usually give in and just get on with things to avoid a confrontation - he does not realise that we have other problems rather then housework and responsibilities - he thinks most things are a womans responsibility wven though we both work full-time and most of our relationship i have earned more than him - not that it makes a difference as all our accounts are the same - we never really argue over money - most of my worries are about us as a couple - like atm any time we have a babysitter - which is very rarely he arranges for us to meet with all his friends etc.. instead of arranging for us to have some quality time together - i would love both of us to go to relate so he could hear and address my worries and I am sure he has concerns too - cause our sex life is non-existent unless we are very drunk.

I was thinking that maybe if I suggest trial separation he will agree to go to relate but it could go the other way and he could say fine - then he will be able to go off and have fun with his mates for a month without me nagging at him ? and maybe he will decide that life is better without me ! i think that is what I am afraid of but on the other hand if it isn't working that may be the only thing that will make me happy and result in my kids having a better life - my heart really breaks for my kids - not that they are directly affected by or problems as such but as they get older they will notice - and when I do have time to spend with them - at weekend it is like I am a single parent as I try my best to take them places and do things with them as well as getting house/laundry etc done for the next week? ok i am on a rant here! just don't know what to do - but something needs done.

why not suggest relate and see what he says. it doesn't sound to me as though you want a trial separation, so i wouldn't call his bluff. instead if he doesn't want to go, i suggest going on your own. it could still help.

choclate mummy - i cannot really pack bags - we have 2 dc - and he will not go anywhere - once before i actually packed his bags and he left - so i ran crying to my mums - and thought he had went to his mums - our families are friends - anyway when my mum talked to his mum he wasn't there - i was so worried - when I eventually went home he was there sitting in the shed out the back - needless to say i took him back that time and put it down to PND that was 7 year ago and we are still arguing over the same things.

imvho (and given my situation, who am i to advise ), i would forget the dramatic gestures and threats - packing bags, threatening to leave. if you don't want to go and you don't want him to go, what will it achieve? these are not good influencing and negotiating measures - but going to relate, either on your own or together, could help you stock up your relationship "toolkit" with better ways to get what you want.

thanks everyone - must go now - i will let you all know how I get on - btw anyone know how much relate costs?

ours is £50 per session - but that is much cheaper than divorce chin up!

£35 a session 'up north"

OK so we talked last night and he has agreed that we cannot work things out ourselves and we need help - no shouting etc.. at the start he was like no i am not going to talk to a stranger - i stayed calm and said ok - so here is one of our problems, how do you think we will sort it out and he was like 'I don't know' so i said neither do i - that is why we need help from trained professionals - he then agreed - i am off to phone now and see when we can get an appointment.

should i write a list of issues i want to talk about - my memory is really bad and if we start talking again at home and acting like everything is OK - by the time I get there I will forget everything that was worrying me - or will it look bad if i go in with a list? how do you prepare and what should i expect?

thanks again for your support - it is greatly appreciated.

hi cosmo.

well done to you and your dh - that sounds like an excellent first step.

i remember thinking i should make a list before our first session, but in the event i managed to remembers dh's many faults effortlessly without one!

i think if you bring a list with you the counsellor will take it in his/her stride but it could put your dh on the defensive?

hth and good luck.

Hi there Cosmo

We are going to relate and it is £30 a session in the midlands, though this is a reduced rate (normally £40).

Well well worth the money, don't worry about lists either.

We have various sticking points in our relationship that have been there for years and talking about them with someone else has really helped.

Good luck.
Starry

Go to Relate on your own if your husband doesn't want to go. It will help you decide whether or not a trial separation would be useful or dangerous.

i phoned and am on the waiting list - cause we can only go in the evening we need to wait but it should be within 2 weeks. Good job as I just got a text from hubby to say to read my email and please don't ignore it - so there I am thinking that he has said in an email about how he is feeling etc cause he maybe is finding it hard to talk - but NOOOO guess what the email is abjout - the fact that he had arranged to go and watch darts with his mates this Friday night - he will be away overnight and probably hungover the next day and probably the whole weekend... but because we were not talking he hadn't told me!!!! he was considerate though - as I haven't been well and he didn't know how i would be feeling he asked his sister to babysit!!!! we do not have many opportunities to get babysitters and all summer have used our babysitters for his friends weddings and arranged nights out with his friends - so now there goes another use of the babysitter and it is not for quality time for us!!!!!!ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH of course at the end of the email he says if it will cause problems he will not go - but his friend has the ticket... and we all know cannot let friends down - a wife is for that.

Sorry about the rant - here's hoping we get an appointment soon!

well put that on your list for starters!

well done for taking this step and good luck

hi cosmo

how is it going?