Husband choosing porn over actual sex

[IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm]

He's supposedly had a low sex drive for the last few years, I'd guess on average we have sex once every month to two months.

I've discovered this week that he's been using porn. He says it's a couple of times a week for the last 3-4 weeks. Apparently only at weekends, mostly mornings but never while I'm getting our 6 year old DD ready for school.

I don't believe him. I don't believe it's only been that long, I think it happens more often, and I very much believe he's upstairs wanking while I'm getting DD ready (and even if it is the weekends I'm still downstairs with DD)

But overall I'm desperately hurt that he tells me he has no sex drive, but then is so horny (his words) he can't help but wank to porn.

I don't really know what I'm expecting anyone to say, I just needed to get this off my chest.

relevantmagazine.com/life5/relationships/5-ways-porn-ruins-relationships/

www.bustle.com/articles/67827-6-reasons-why-its-okay-to-not-want-your-partner-to-watch-porn-when-youre-in

fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-damages-consumers-sex-lives/

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/mens-lives-ruined-pornography-arent-angry/

Didn't want to read and run. I've posted links to a few articles that helped me to make sense of my feelings when I discovered my ex partners porn addiction.

I'm not in the 'all men watch porn' camp and I'd rather spend eternity single than be with one who does.
It's pervy, grim and highly unattractive IMO.

I guess the only advice I have is to talk to him and lay down your boundaries whatever they may be. If he can't give up the wanking addiction you may be better to cut your losses and find a man who can deal with a real woman as opposed to only being able to have sex with an imaginary one

Sorry to hear you've experienced similar. I hope he's not quite at the addicted stage, but maybe he is.

I just feel so utterly shit.

I wouldn't be in a relationship where someone chose porn over me. I think he probably watches it alot more than what he will admit to sorry OP. 💐

I think you're right Closet - on both counts.

He prefers to walk and watch pornstars than to make love or even have a quick shag with you. You barely have sex...... and you think it's not an addiction?

Personally it wouldn’t bother me if a partner was watching porn. It would, however, be a huge problem if their porn watching affected our relationship negatively. If he prefers wanking to porn rather than a mutually enjoyable sex life with a partner then that is not fair and either things would have to change or that would be it for me.

I really feel for you. I would even proffer than the little you do have sex is about managing you. To keep quiet.

You are in a no win situation. Like all addictions most people will lie and gaslight before they will admit their problem is costing them.

I found myself in a relationship with a guy like this - it was only 10 months, but I had suffered a lot of sexual rejection from my partner of 20 yrs previously, so I knew how insidious and horrible that feeling is.

When it became clear to me the new partner preferred his right hand and his phone over real sex and when after I confronted him he said "when are YOU going to stop doing this to us?!" I finished the relationship on the spot - because no-one, no-one will ever make ME feel like that again.

And that I think has to be your starting point. To refuse to absorb how this is making you feel - and to stand up for yourself and your right to feel loved and wanted in your relationship. Don't be made to feel ashamed that you feel unwanted - refuse to accept it. It is HIM that is dumping this on you.

To be honest, I gotta say it, whether it's an addiction or not, I really believe a lot of men prefer this to real physicality - they have ultimate control - on the pace and quality of their orgasm, ultimate control over the fantasy and the 'women' they 'fuck'. And they don't have to give a shit about you.

Put yourself and your feelings first. Don't allow yourself to be managed. Listen to your feelings.

I don't know what to think. I want to believe this has only been going on a few weeks, but that's the standard answer to being caught out isn't it?

He's now 'hurt' that I don't believe him. Whoever mentioned gaslighting got it spot on it seems.

He is hurt? Is he listening at all?
You're right to feel hurt that he ignores you in favor of explicit footage of god knows what.

No I don't think he is listening at all.

I've been told "it's not fair" that I'm "making it into something it isn't".

He's now barely speaking to me and is off out for a run.

Yep turns out the ‘very occasional’ my H would admit too was around 5 times a week when I was out. Sadly he created a viscious circle, he was still perfectly interested with me, I no longer felt the same sexually . I realise it doesn’t bother others, the lying and secrecy bothered me more than the actual ‘doing’

Ex boyfriend was like this.
Got to the stage I was buying a couple of newspapers to read after work ( obviously before so much internet, streaming TV etc)
He was on the computer, not just playing games.

No point living like this

Sorry but yeah, leave now. They don’t change, learnt to my detriment when pregnant.
Some men just prefer a wank than to enjoy a sex life. It is about control as pp stated. Heaven forbid they actually concern theirselves about their partners feelings...

I think that he has the right to choose porn... and you have the right to choose other men. You don't get to check out of your marriage sexually with what amounts to putting your sexual energy elsewhere and expect your partner to hang around like a faithful dog. He can do what he wants. But so can you.

I'm going through the same thing right now and it tears me up inside.. it's makes me feel embarrassed about myself I feel I'm not good enough I don't feel like a proper woman
And it doesn't matter if you do tell then how you feel they just make you feel worse for expressing how much they're hurting ypu