Someone give me a slap

[ChromaBook]

...because I'm being awful and ungrateful. Feeling like shit right now.

I'm 33. I had a boyfriend just before I went to university at 18, we were together throughout the three years of university and then split up just after graduation when I was 21. Eight months later I met DH and we've been together ever since, married for 5 years now and have a 4 year old DS. I love my DH and I love my DS but I'm bored. Bored in my marriage, bored in my life. I feel like I completely missed my days of being young and single and now that ship has sailed.

I'm totally romanticising it of course. I forget that in the eight months between breaking up with my ex and meeting DH, I lived the young and single life (albeit briefly) and it was awful with me an insecure mess and longing for what I now have.

I just find myself getting irritated so easily now. It irritates me when he farts, when he blows his nose, when he snores. I don't have the "ick", I do genuinely love him and am attracted to him and don't want to be without him. I'm just bored. I have no libido (not on hormonal birth control before anyone asks) for actual sex but am happy to get myself off when I feel like it. I do make the effort with sex because I feel like it's a "use it or lose it" type of thing, but honestly I can take it or leave it.

I love my husband and my son but I often fantasise about what it would be like to live in a flat of my own, on my own.

I'm a terrible person. Has anyone else felt like this and got over it? I feel guilty about it every second of the day.

Of course you aren’t a terrible person for having thoughts!!

I’d say to get yourself to counselling to unpick this. It will help you have clarity and make decisions. And stop being so harsh on yourself.

You are not a terrible person. This does happen. Think of ways you can inject some fun and shake your lives up a bit. Not so easy I know in times of Covid but what can you both do to break the monotony?

I've had SO MUCH counselling in my life and honestly it's never helped me.

I think I just suffer from extreme "grass is always greener" syndrome, envy of what other people have and also an extremely short attention span that means I get bored easily. I've been like it my whole life. How I've always been in long term relationships I don't know.

I think a major part of the issue right now is that thanks to Covid we are both WFH in a small flat so we are together 24 hours a day 7 days a week, essentially.

I think it's quite normal actually 😂 your bound to feel like that time to time like.
ESP with covid cooping ya all up together . Take it easy on yourself girl people have all sorts of fantasies yours is running away and being carefree ! You are NOT a terrible person for feeling like that at all . Married life is wonderful but can be oh so boring sometimes,your dh probably feels the same . It's not what we think it's how we act and treat people around us . We just have to get on with it but try inject some fun from time to time
Hugs 🤗

Just a few thoughts, take them or leave them...

You had DS quite early on and he's still young. Could the two of you carve out a slot of each day, or each week even, to just sit down together and have a chat?
The houses round here have glass-panelled internal doors so you can sit in the kitchen with the door shut and still see what's going on in the living room. My next door neighbour with 4 kids would shut her & her husband in the kitchen for a coffee for half an hour each week, just them, she swore by it.

Have you sorted out wills and power of attorney and life insurance yet? There's nothing like contemplating your OH's sudden death to put petty annoyances into perspective, and it needs doing anyway. And the discussions can verge into stuff about family history and childhoods that can make you understand each other better.

Talking about time slots, can you each book a slot each week (an hour or 2?) to do your own thing? And that means do something, not sit on the TV or computer. Meet a friend, go for a walk or cycle, go to the garden centre, just get out and bring something new to your life. Plus if you're doing something active you might both get fitter which can only help.

It sounds a bit like part of the problem at least is that neither of you are "doing much with your life" besides raising the LO, which is understandable as that's a lot of work, but it's really not beyond the wit of (wo)man to "do things" even with a husband and child. It might be a bit tricky. It might need planning. But it's possible.

Shake things up completely. Go on love honey and buy some sexy stuff. Do some roleplaying or write each other some fantasies.

Learn a new skill together - language, cooking class, photography, salsa dancing, badminton. Something that is different but fun.

Have one themed date night a week. Choose a cuisine from a new country and you come up with a menu and cook it together. Or do a cocktail night.

Do one thing a month that is fun but completely different. Book a city night away. Hike up a mountain. Cycle all day etc.

Do crosswords or quizzes together etc.

These are just examples that appeal to me, but think of stuff that would appeal to you.

Have you sorted out wills and power of attorney and life insurance yet? There's nothing like contemplating your OH's sudden death to put petty annoyances into perspective, and it needs doing anyway.

Oh yes, we did all that when DS was born.

Go on love honey and buy some sexy stuff. Do some roleplaying or write each other some fantasies.

I'm just not that sort of person, it all makes me cringe. Not sex itself, I have no hang ups there, but I find role playing a bit stilted and forced and I'm also not a fan of sex toys. and I'm not telling DH my sexual fantasies because to be perfectly honest they all involve other men

Both of us have really busy, demanding jobs which again doesn't help as I feel all we really talk about is DS and work.

When I say "other men" by the way, I don't mean any men I know - just actors and made up people!

Well, you need to develop some more interests, whether as a couple or as an individual. Not easy at this time socially, or finding the time when you work, but ultimately you need to make the effort. "Only boring people get bored" and all that.

Other people and external circumstances don't create how you feel - they don't create your boredom. Only you do that, in your mind. I'm a life coach and deal with this a lot - with my first ever client being me a few years ago!

Have you ever had a job you got bored with then decided to move to the next one and found the same issue after a few months/years. That was me.

I learned the key is that instead of changing your circumstance/marriage, change how you FEEL about it. Currently you say you're 'bored'. How would you feel about your marriage if you felt 'adored'. How would you see your situation then - how would you reach out for new ways to feel good about yourself?

Well, you can stay bored or split up or try and inject something new into your life and relationship which could be all you need to start looking forward to stuff and bring you closer, help you enjoy each other, admire each other (eg when I listen to my bf talking about some stuff he is really good at, it increases my admiration for him and therefore desire), laugh together. In my last relationship, despite all our issues, when we spent an hour on the badminton court, we laughed, had fun and brought us closer.

So try something. You don't have anything to lose.

Familiarity breeds contempt, OP. You and DH are spending too much time together, and it’s no surprise the novelty is wearing off. You are wfh together, eating together, sleeping together- there is nothing new to tell each other about, no variety.
Try to arrange some time apart each week. Take turns to mind the DC while the other one goes out. It doesn’t matter what you do - go for a walk, meet friends, go shopping, anything. Just to have a breather from each other, and something to talk about when you get back, that your DP hasn’t already seen or heard, from sitting next to you all day.

Getting away for a few hours will make you keener to see each other when you get back. And try to book some fun things together too, within the limits of Covid, which I accept has closed a lot of options for nights out. If you can even go for a drive somewhere new to admire the scenery, taking a picnic, it would be a start. It’s all about breaking the routine and getting out of your rut. Good luck!

I think you need some focus outside of your relationship and family. Do you have hobbies or pastimes you enjoy? What did you like to do as a child? It just doesn't really sound like your relationship is the problem. Maybe your world has just become a little small and closed?

I think it’s easy to underestimate how much of an impact restrictions are having on daily life. Usually you might both be working outside of home and have other people, places and things to draw your attention - which gives you things to talk about or plans to make.

Life with small children can be incredibly monotonous, and your world can naturally become quite small. The enforced work from home, limited social contact and limited opportunities to do your own thing make it doubly difficult. I don’t think you’re alone in being bored, I know I’m massively struggling with motivation just now.

I find if I have a couple of things on my list each day it can help get me going - especially if they involve me getting some distance from the people I live with (lovely as they are).

My world is TINY. I have hobbies (painting, writing, reading) but they're all solitary pursuits. I'm really introverted.

I feel like the exciting parts of my life are over and everything is just drudgery. I admit covid doesn't help because it really feels like there's nothing to look forward to.

At the moment I'm rewatching a TV show that I used to love when I was in my teens (crappy teen drama) and I actually feel jealous of the characters. Of fictional characters! In contrived situations!!!

I'm not an idiot, I know lives and relationships aren't the way they're portrayed on TV or in films.

@Sakurami is spot on.

You stay bored or can choose not to.

You like writing - why not enter a short story competition (the Telegraph is running one right now) instead of watching the rubbishy teenage drama? Just don't beat me in the writing competition as I also intend to enter :-)

So you're missing social stuff perhaps? Perhaps with your husband and without him, you need to get out. Ok so we have COVID hanging about, but if you have someone to watch your kids you can get out?

And OP, honestly, I get the same way! I had "exciting" relationships (got abused - not that exciting really) and have moved from a relationship to another... married in 20s, divorced before 30s, a child with one man and then another. Keep some fun in your life with a friend, with family, with getting out and yes, with your husband too.

I feel like the exciting parts of my life are over and everything is just drudgery. I admit covid doesn't help because it really feels like there's nothing to look forward to.

What would you like to do?

Are there places you'd like to visit? Or something you'd like to achieve? Start planning towards whatever it is - saving, training, writing your novel, whatever it might be.