Abusive ex 'after' a good friend - what should I do?

[QuootieSpookypie]

My ex has started to chat online to a good friend of mine, the friend who actually introduced us. Thing is he was very abusive but I have never told anyone in RL apart from DH and his family (who called me a lier). So obviously my friend doesn't know, but he is planning to go and 'visit' her and I don't know whether I should butt out or say something to him or her. She is pretty vunerable, he has taken advantage in the past with her (she didn't see it that way because she isn't pretty niave) and I know he is going up there because he thinks she is easy 'prey'. I really don't know what to do...

That sounds really worrying Quootie. Was he physically abusive? I'm no expert but if it were me I think I would want to warn my friend...even if it meant that she was angry with me or told me to sod off and mind my own business.

Good luck.

Yeah, abusive in every possible way. I will email her and tell her, but she is so chuffed he has contacted her I doubt she will listen

It's good you are telling her and you're right that she probably won't listen.

Maybe you can tell her some of the tricks he used to wheedle his way in and then the kind of things he did to hurt you. Then if he does the same to her at least she'll have your warning in the back of her mind.

Fingers crossed she does listen.

I would let her know,I wouldn't contact him,he would just use it against you.

I would be careful with my wording tho,I would say that you never told anyone and she may think it's sour grapes(obviously not)because he's now interested in her but you'd never forgive yourself if you didn't give her some warning of what he's really like.

I would then proceed to give her some hints as to what behaviour to 'look out' for.

I would end letter/email by saying that,of course its totally her decision to see him and thats not your worry its his behaviour thats the concern,and that she can disregard your warnings if she so wishes.

Then as Elizabetth has posted hopefully it will stick in the back of her mind,even if she tells you to mind your own business.

I hope she listens.

QP, i think you know that when someone is in an abusive relationship, they don;t see the wood for the trees.. and cannot see the abuse that is happening to them, and make excuse after excuse for their abuser
he will no doubt charm and flatter her, she won;t see what the problem is until she is in too deep.

Well, I have told her in a round about way, but she had contacted me first and I think he has got in there first basically telling her not to believe anything I may say. She is older than me so hopefully she is wiser about his that I was. I just want to scream it from the rooftops at all his female 'friends' but I just can't.

Why can't you tell everyone you know who knows him? Why ever not? You'd be doing every woman you know a service. Scream it from the rooftops. Creeps like this thrive on secrecy.

If you didn't at least tell your friend the truth, I wouldn't think you were a very good friend tbh. What if he wallops her and she comes to you and finds out you knew what he was like?

Well, I have told her and she is fishing for more info - doesn't realise it's hard to give! I don't know anyone else who has contact with him, but if I do I will tell them also. Maybe I should publicly out him on facebook? Knowing my luck I'd just end up in trouble!

No, he would end up in trouble. That's what he's afraid of and that's why his family call you a liar.

Don't out him on FB - that'll just look bitter but be totally honest with your friend.

phone your friend. don't put anything in writing, and tell her the truth.

I have already emailed her - why not in writing? incase she forwards it on to him? I asked her not to as I said I was in therapy for it and didn't want him to know I hope she hasn't but to be honest I wouldn't put it past her.

exactly - in case it gets turned against you. it's one thing to say 'so-and-so said this', it's another to say 'look, this is what you wrote'. it can be picked over and examined.

but you've said your piece now, which i think was the most important thing. you've done your duty as a friend to warn her of the danger.