Cold shouldering in marriage

[beachydreams]

I’m really at a crossroads with my marriage and wanted advice. I’ve been married a long time and over the last year our arguments have got pretty toxic. Frustrations with the way I’m spoken to etc that kind of thing. The issue is that when we argue my DH goes into silence. This lasts for many days until I apologise regardless of who started the argument or right/wrong. I know it’s a manipulation tactic but the only way to end the silence is for me to make amends. It’s left me feeling pretty depressed. It means I feel reluctant to voice my opinion and that I can’t push back on anything. For example, at the weekend my DH was driving really aggressively with our kids in the back of the car. I felt unsafe. He has a habit of road rage. This time he was swearing using vile words like F U and I wanted to say “can you slow down please and cut out the language” but I didn’t because I was worried he’d lose his temper and strop and we’d have another silent week. I worked out that over the last year my DH has spent a whole month ignoring me. We’re fine when I’ve smoothed things over but it’s left us with the situation that I can’t now pull him up on anything/say anything about anything or have a bad mood myself. It means he’s found a tactic that works and he never ever has to apologise or talk things out in a reasonable tone. Where do I go from here? Is this likely to change. Would couples counselling help?

Oh gosh sounds familiar. And dreadful. How long have you been together? How old are DC?

That's coercive control. It's abuse and it's illegal.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse. It is dangerous.

Counselling on your own to help you leave would be worthwhile.

As would a conversation with Women's Aid and doing the Freedom Programme course.

He won't change, other than to get worse. He does this to control you. It's how he wants things, it's not accidental.

Couples counselling isn't recommended when you are in an abusive relationship, which it sounds like you are. He's using aggression, anger and silence to scare and control you.

Probably not is the answer. He is abusive and has found a tactic which is working to control you. The only thing that may work, and I only say may, would be to give him and ultimatum and tell him that you won't put up with this any longer and that unless he stops the silent treatment you will leave. But you have to mean it and carry it through if he does it again. No one who loves you would treat you like this regardless of what he says. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I’ve started my own counselling and it’s early days and really helpful. We’ve been married many years and have young kids.

How is it coercive control though? This often starts because I disagree with something and say so. He’s not starting the arguments (well, other than being rude or driving angrily or something) it’s when I push back on something or pull him up on something and it escalates from there. I’m going to google coercive control

My exH did this and before I finally left him, had reached the point where I relished the silences as I didn’t have to engage with him any more. This was one of the unreasonable behaviours I cited in my divorce petition. It wasn’t illegal behaviour in those days however.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next and please seek some support in real life. Xx

I was in a very similar situation for a very long time and it nearly broke me, it definitely broke our marriage. I couldn't 'dissent' on / complain about / raise any issue at all without it causing a huge row; and so I would always subsequently regret it and wish I had stayed quiet. I had a note to myself in my bedside drawer to remind myself "say nothing, no matter what, it only makes things worse". We went for counselling for exactly that reason - on my part - "how do I talk about my feelings without regretting it, because of the impact it has on how he behaves towards me?" But it was pointless, he pretty much did the same thing in the sessions and got away with it as he'd 'charmed' (lied to) the counsellor. Probably you would know after even one session Op if it was worth proceeding or not. I endured about 12 and it was truly awful. I honestly think a better use of your time, emotional effort (and money!) might be for you to get counselling on your own re your relationship issues, what you would like your future / kids' future to hold etc. Good luck! X

There is a technique that might work and that's to introduce a consequence that will affect him and make his life very difficult and uncomfortable. First if you haven't already you need to tell him it's unacceptable.

Then if he carries on you start the consequence - WITHOUT discussion or anger. So you need to be pleasant but to 100% keep going until he stops doing it. Not discussing it is crucial. He must not know what you are doing. It has to be something that he can not bear to tolerate. And you have to act normally and not talk about what you are doing including answering questions about it.

He will go fucking crazy. So if you haven't got the cojones for this don't start. Because it's very very important you stay calm and in control of yourself for the entire duration. Think of a toddler realising they are losing their power. It gets much worse before it gets better.

If you think you might want to know more this is something Dr Paul Hauck recommends in his books (how to deal with difficult people etc) and he has a lot of background in there. If your husband is truly abusive or had a personality disorder this won't work.

But if more women used this there wouldn't be half the atseholes out there that there are. But most women (probably including me) are too soft and make all kinds of justifications for putting up with it - before one day cracking and leaving.

I’ll google those books thanks

OP It all sounds so awful. No-one should have to live like this. I hope you find a solution

It took me a very long time to manage to a) break it to him that it was over b) get him to move out (I was primary carer for our young kids) and we're still not divorced - 6.5 years after a) and 5.5 years after b) - because he has stalled and been difficult all the way, but anyway as soon as I said "it's over" I moved forward every day towards being free of that life. No regrets whatsoever! Hope you can do the same OP. X

Thanks for all the advice

It's controlling because you are being conditioned to keep your mouth shut so as to avoid a week of silent treatment from him. This is abuse and he won't change, it is a well known control tactic and it works for him so why would he change?!

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

It gets him what he wants, and it makes you change your behaviour and avoid challenging him.

He probably has other abusive behaviours too.

What User said at the start of thread.

Coercive control because he's training you not your disagree with him, or he will punish you by ignoring you.

No way to live. Dump the abusive fuckwit. You will be much happier.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl can you give an example of the technique you mentioned, can't even imagine. It sounds scarey! Hope I will never need it as I'll hopefully never be in that situation/relationship again....but you never know! Really sorry OP, I guess I was 'triggered' last night and talked about my situation too much, shoulda started my own thread on the topic a LONG time ago!

Ok well it's all in this book

www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Friend-Overcoming-common-problems/dp/0859695670/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&s=books&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1600800972&refinements=p_27%3ADr+Paul+Hauck&sr=1-1

They are old books but this guy was a therapist for a lot of women dealing with selfish husbands who were miserable. What's he's saying is that if you e had a conversation more than three times he knows you are unhappy about whatever and chooses not to care because it is more convenient not to. So he's saying make it less convenient.

So if someone does something selfish or horrible you discuss it, working on the theory that they aren't a mind reader. Then if they do it again you discuss it again. Then a third time. After that you do NOT discuss it - because they already know you are unhappy. So you introduce a consequence that is proportionate but not necessarily directly related. Something that will make them uncomfortable and inconvenience them but you do it completely without anger. It's been a while since I read the book (which is simply amazing) but he gives lots and lots of examples in it. Maybe not washing their clothing, or cooking them anything. It's a great book and worth it just to get done perspective.

In this situation I would tell him this is unacceptable but not have a long discussion anc then I would go to a friend or family without comment leaving him with the children for at least 2 days. I would also stop all domestic favours for him and would make arrangements to be out with other people almost all of the time. I would use his ignoring me as a green light to be completely selfish with him and to not do anything at all for him. I suspect that this relationship is on the way out though.

Don't try and play those control games mentioned. You will lose. It will be a mess. He will not relinquish control when it is clearly driven by so much anger.

However, you do need to talk to him calmly (use "I feel" statements and not "you are" statements). Tell him that the behaviour in question is unacceptable. That couples should be able to negotiate disagreements respectively. Keep it simple, calm and focus on the behaviour and not the detail of any disagreement. Watch carefully how he reacts. Is he listening? Is he listening to you? Or is he justifying, deflecting blame?

Give him 3 chances to engage. Then leave. From the little you say my opinion is that It will not improve, it will get worse and worse until you are dragged into the rabbit hole of annihilation. There is no room for fear in any relationship. As soon as you feel it, whether it's fear of speaking or worse, the relationship is broken.