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Original poster

Is this a retrospective red flag?

21 replies

Koalabrush · 21/09/2020 18:50

It doesn’t matter now to a point but I just wondered what others’ opinions were on this.

I met dh when I was 19, he was 28. He told me he loved me after about two weeks. He asked me to marry him shortly after. We were engaged at 6 weeks and married with 18 months.

There is more to this story now, but I wonder now looking back if in itself this is a red flag. Or can it be normal? He told me he’d never felt this way before etc and when you know you know and why wait.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 21/09/2020 18:56

That would be a red flag to me but then I would have run a mile at someone telling me they loved me when we’ve only just met.
You were on the same page, though so I can’t see how that’s the red flag if you shared his enthusiasm?

LemonTT · 21/09/2020 18:58

Yes it’s a red flag. You were young and infatuated. This combination is catnip to predators.

Well adjusted people take time to get to really know someone. Even if they feel overwhelmed by love and attraction. These things alone are not enough in a partner. At 28 you know that.

SignOnTheWindow · 21/09/2020 18:59

This would be a red flag to me too. Did he turn out to be controlling?

CodenameVillanelle · 21/09/2020 19:00

Yep, so is the age gap
He was either grooming and creepy or a total social inadequate

moofolk · 21/09/2020 19:02

Huge red flags in everything you said.

Not your fault for not seeing them as you were so young.

Which he knew.

Original poster
Koalabrush · 21/09/2020 19:04

Yes he is controlling.
Not super super controlling, but enough.

The thing is I didn’t really feel the same way, I was flattered (I know, I know 🙄) and then kind of got railroaded.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 21/09/2020 19:08

Out of context, no. It could also be a relationally naive lack of understanding of the relationship life cycle and what chemical reactions are involved in spending time with a stranger who validates us, mirrors something back in us we like and want more of and makes us feel special and held in mind. In other words I suppose inexperienced people might genuinely think they are in love with anyone who makes them feel so good!

Original poster
Koalabrush · 21/09/2020 19:22

He’d been engaged twice before.

OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 21/09/2020 19:24

Are you happy now?

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/09/2020 19:33

So he'd never felt that way before, but had already proposed to two women. How flattering to those women. You were his third proposal by the time he was 28.

Do you know what ended the previous ones? Or how old the women were?

You were young enough to be taken in by love bombing, railroaded into a super quick marriage at 21, and he's controlling: I'd say it very much matters at this point!

category12 · 21/09/2020 19:35

Yes, too much too fast is generally a red flag.

pepsirolla · 21/09/2020 19:44

Definitely a red flag. Not so much the love declaration as feelings can be overwhelming at start and words blurt out in heat of the moment, but the fast proposal and marriage in case you grew up and came to your senses before he "owned" you? What was the rush? Did he just make you think of the romance of it all? Hope you are ok now and able to stand up for yourself or are you having second thoughts and hoping for an out? Take advice and seek help and support if you areFlowers

LilyLongJohn · 21/09/2020 20:26

Some people will tel you they've been married for 20 odd years and got married after a few months of meeting. They are the exception to the rule

Eckhart · 21/09/2020 20:30

The 'getting railroaded' turns the already fairly red flag to a deep, deep scarlet. Have you got clearer boundaries these days, OP, so that you don't keep getting railroaded throughout your life (by him and others)?

Flittingaboutagain · 23/09/2020 17:07

Oh in that case, yes!

FlapsInTheWind · 23/09/2020 17:14

At 19 and 28 I think it is a red flag. At 39 and 49 like DH and me not so much. We met in the October, got engaged at Christmas and married the following June but we had both been round a lot of blocks and also drew up an agreement that we would separate with what we each owned at that point if it went tits up. It didn't. 18 years later and we would marry again in a heartbeat. At 19 though I didn't know who or what I was so I would have been prey to a love bombing 28yo certainly and if you aren't happy with your current situation, get out OP. It's not a dress rehearsal.

mindutopia · 23/09/2020 17:23

I wouldn't necessarily call it a red flag. But it's more the sort of dumb thing lots of people do at 19. I got 'engaged' at 20 to someone totally unsuitable (who cheated on me and obviously we didn't get married). I would describe any of that as a red flag for me, but more a product of being young and a bit foolish and not thinking of the longterm consequences of big decisions.

anotherdisaster · 23/09/2020 17:27

I've dated 3 guys since my long term relationship ended. Every single one of them rushed the relationship and every single one of them had 'issues'.

Sssloou · 23/09/2020 22:04

I suspect you were targeted because of your age.

I suspect that the age gap with his other fiancées was smaller?

Was there lots of love bombing and has this suspiciously dwindled since you married?

What are the “not v controlling” actions specifically - do you have equal access to and say of all of your joint money, is your time your own, have you a wide and independent network of friends and family that you socialise with.....

I doubt any teenager has a clue what controlling looks like.

Do you have DCs?

pallisers · 23/09/2020 23:13

@FlapsInTheWind

At 19 and 28 I think it is a red flag. At 39 and 49 like DH and me not so much. We met in the October, got engaged at Christmas and married the following June but we had both been round a lot of blocks and also drew up an agreement that we would separate with what we each owned at that point if it went tits up. It didn't. 18 years later and we would marry again in a heartbeat. At 19 though I didn't know who or what I was so I would have been prey to a love bombing 28yo certainly and if you aren't happy with your current situation, get out OP. It's not a dress rehearsal.
I agree with this - including the advice. everything in the OP is a red flag to me. My dd is 19 and I would be seriously concerned if she was engaged to a 28 year old after 6 weeks - really seriously concerned.

But if it were a 29 and 38 year old, that would be different.

Browneyesbigbum · 23/09/2020 23:14

Wow yes

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