Elderly(ish) PIL

[TomNookTheHustler]

I have posted about PIL before under various usernames. They are old-fashioned/toxic/narcissistic/difficult (and I've read Susan Forward so we're very low contact).

Just spent the weekend with PIL. We are a family of four, DC 7 and 4, both working and just getting on with things.

PIL have various health issues, FIL has Parkinson's and MIL is infirm although better since knee replacement. They are early to mid-70s.

MIL started talking about pooling money to buy a house with an annexe that they could live in. She then went nuclear and said, 'You should see what's in the will!' when DH expressed reservations. Neither DH nor I give a shit about the will.

I guess the problem is that they're going to be needing help in the next 5 years and don't want to go into a care home/spend their cash on help. They are currently in a bungalow 2 hours away.

DH and I think that the best option is for them to move into an over-50s style residential village a bit nearer, so that DH can help from time to time.

We won't get drawn into MIL's games, but we'd like to ensure that they get the help they need.

What are our options?

Early 70s isn't old. I wouldn't get drawn in until they actually can't cope any more, then look at residential villages etc.

Honestly? I would just leave them to it. Ultimately they are responsible for planning their own lives. Sounds harsh but otherwise you are just going to get sucked into all their manipulations.

Thanks, this is really helpful.

@holdmysocks Early 70s isn't old, I agree, my own parents are early 70s and very much living their own lives. PIL have always been fuddy-duddy and about 10 years older than their actual age

Definitely don't let them blackmail you with mentions of their will. They could easily live another 20 years . Live your own lives and maintain polite low contact.

@Marylou2 I think my gut feeling is telling me to kick it into the long grass. Anything could happen at any time and they've been predicting their own demise since I've known them (18 years)

If I were your DH, I would just try and make sure they get any care they need where they are- liase with social services if need be or they could hire someone etc. It sounds like they're not at that stage yet. Maybe FiL could apply for attendance allowance, and/or MiL if she's eligible.

Definitely no to the 'granny flat.'

Otherwise, over-50s complex does sound like a good plan for them but he could let them decide and organize where they want to live (but not your place.)

Why did you spend the weekend with such toxic people at all?. Whose idea was this, your DHs?. He still appears to be very much mired in FOG re them. You have physical distance here but you need to put more mental distance between you and they too.

Live your own lives and raise your boundaries higher with regards to them. Do not get at all involved in or with any future move they may consider because you will be blamed for it. They're already on at you about their will; such people can and do try and use money or wills to further control their victims.

Indeed kick this into the long grass and under no circumstances assist in any way with a potential future move. If they choose not to move or spend cash on home help that is down to them. Its not down to you people to facilitate their lives going forward.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I've spoken with you over many years about them on here  they're pretty bad, but DH has found a way of keeping them at bay most of the time. My preference would be NC but LC works best for DH.

@SoulofanAggron

I will suggest to DH that he refuse to be sucked into such conversations, and put something in place when they're really struggling.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You're right, we will be blamed! They passive aggressively suggest things that can't then be attributed to them (we avoid this scenario a lot due to LC).

Okay so the plan is to maintain LC, don't mention the living arrangements until it becomes a pressing issue and let DH sort care near them when the time arrives. Thanks all for your help.

No, let them make their own plans. This is their issue to sort out. DH does not need to sort care for them at any point. They are adults, they can make their own plans.