The difference between love bombing and expressing feelings for one another at the start of the relationship

[planetsofnone]

How do you differentiate?
One month into a new relationship after a dismal twenty year marriage. Lots of lovely mutual feelings but how do you decide which is llove bombing and which is just normal expression of happiness. I'm out of the game so long and am possibly overthinking. Thanks.

You will know the difference a few weeks in. I just knew it was for real. 11 months on and it's still amazing. I'm moping because hes at the office today and I'm wfh

@planetsofnone with my love bombing, he was really gushing very early on, within a few weeks. There were glimmers of a dark temper but I put it down to a one off. You'll know within a few weeks but just keep an eye out for red flags. I think a normal person wouldn't be all in so early on.

I think it's when they say stuff like "I've never felt like this before", "You make me complete", "You've changed my life", "I was lost before I met you", "You've saved me from myself/a life without love/depression...(basically any statement that suggests you have "rescued" them).

It's anything that's over the top - too many superlatives too early.

Is there a reason why you are overthinking? Do you feel like you are being love bombed and if so, what sort of things is your new partner saying to you?

Look out for 'mirroring' too...

We have been seeing one another for a month... once a week and then one overnight due to distance and responsibilities.
He is complimentary, attentive and very very affectionate. I am
Really not used to this hence my post. I lived with an emotionally detached man for twenty years who equated affection with sex and was coercive and pressurising .He was very detached from
Family life and it was always the same so I really don't know what's normal
Anymore.
The man I'm seeing will drop a few texts or two during the day now and again as do I and we speak most nights on the phone as we only see one another at weekends.
He said that he feels that he is falling for me and loves to talk and spend time in my company. He hadn't spoken about the future as such nor haveI as I'm only interested in weekend meet ups for now as I have children most of the time and he has his child eow , and that is all he has time for too with work and distance .
I guess I am unused to the attention and kind words and of course getting heartbroken again.

I would say things like talking about getting married when you hardly know each other.
And how they react if you say something more down-to-earth, such as laughing and responding "Oh, you don't love me, you're just infatuated!" - if they sulk, for instance, rather than laughing too and agreeing.

Basically, as long as you are just having fun, it makes little difference anyway. Things can end whether it's true love or not. You can be a bit soppy and romantic for a while as long as you keep it safe. It's only if you have anything like him wanting to move in or make joint purchases etc. that it is dodgy.

Do you want this to turn into your next LTR or are you planning to have a bit of fun before you settle down again?

For me, one month in "I love spending time with you", "I'm falling for you" is within the normal range.

"You're the love of my life". "I just know will be together forever", would be lovebombing.

Thanks.
Isn't it awful that I cannot differentiate ?

I would say if there are things that are making you uncomfortable, then be wary.

I think what he is saying is within the normal range and I wouldn't be concerned about it at all.

@planetsofnone

Thanks. Isn't it awful that I cannot differentiate ?

No, not at all.

You have been through a relationship which didn't work out, so its only normal to be on high alert for the same issues again.

I would say enjoy what you have, but if things start to feel a bit much, then take a step back and reassess.

He is a pleaser, a giver and I am
A giver but I'm used to an emotional
Vampire tbh. The end of
My marriage which culminated in my
Husband having an affair ,
Left me emotionally destroyed and
Exhausted but free from the constant demands for sex and the behaviours that went with it... silence,
Moods, anger, groping etc etc.

@planetsofnone

Thanks. Isn't it awful that I cannot differentiate ?

No it’s to be expected after what you’ve been through.

And spending all of your life in a patriarchal society, where it’s a woman’s job to give and a man’s job to take.

I think you just look out for the red flags.

I had been in a similar relationship to you and my now dh was completely different and it threw me.

Even though we were vaulted full on early on, he also encouraged me to have a social life without him, go on holiday with friends, was pleased when things happened to me that had nothing to do with him, he encouraged me to do things that didn't benefit him. I could see early on that he was very selfless and just wanted what was best for me. I've been love bombed and it was very much all about him, he wasn't interested in me or what benefitted me unless it benefitted him.

For me, love bombing is when it doesn’t feel personal. Like the guy has a woman-shaped hole in his life he wants to fill and anyone will do. It’s not about YOU as a person, it’s just about plugging that gap.

If he wants to spend time with you to get to know you better, learn more about you, can’t wait to see you again just to hang out - that’s good.

If he wants to rush things sexually, talks about moving in, marriage, babies, introducing you to his family really quickly, says he’s never met anyone like you, never felt this way before so early on, - not good.

If it makes you feel overwhelmed, suffocated, anxious or trapped it’s not good.

If you feel excited, happy, adored, cherished, respected and safe then it’s good.

@Thinkingg

For me, one month in "I love spending time with you", "I'm falling for you" is within the normal range.

"You're the love of my life". "I just know will be together forever", would be lovebombing.

this!

This is really helpful thank you everybody.

Given your past - is it worth doing the much mentioned freedom program?
Your inability to differentiate is probably due to the past - and as such you may not pick up the uncomfortable feelings that its too much too soon. It definitely is possible to fall in love quickly and it be right - but you are probably right to question whether you would be able to tell the difference between quickly in love versus lovebombed.

A chap I connected with online said to me about 4 conversations in "I know for a fact we'll be together for ever. Nothing will come between us. Not even God or death". Blocked and moved swiftly on

OP well done for being cautious.

Love bombing is different to healthy interest. A love bomber wants to move the relationship along very quickly or 'sweep you off your feet'. They ask lots of questions but rarely say much about themselves. You're the love of their life, they want to get married, you're their soulmate - way, way faster than is healthy.

Healthy people don't rush relationships as they also want to take their time to get to know you.

Love bombers want to spend all their free time with you. They insist on helping out so you feel obligated. They may whisk you away on expensive holidays and give expensive gifts. They'll also start to infringe on boundaries but because you feel so flattered and obligated, you don't think it's kind or polite to say anything.

It's very easy when you come out of a loveless or abusive relationship or, if you've been alone for a long time, to allow yourself to get swept along. It feels lovely to be showered with attention and gifts and for someone to tell you how they love and admire you.

Normal people give space and respect boundaries. They let the relationship grow organically over time. With lovebombers it tends to feel more like a whirlwind.

Lovebombers usually want to be constantly messaging or calling you when you aren't with them. They don't like to give you space or headspace to think.

If you ask them in some way for a bit of space. Eg: 'I don't like to text every day', they either initially respect this but then, soon go back to old ways or they try to make you feel like you are in the wring for asking for this space.

They may be over complimentary or say things like 'I've never met someone like you before' or 'no one understands me like you' or 'I love you', within just a few short days or weeks.

They may seem to have 'so much in common' with you. They may also say exact sentences that you have said to them, right back to you, as if they are their own words (this last one is a really good way of spotting narcissists - as normal folk always give credit to the person who said things first. Eg: 'like you said earlier...').

Say no to their plans occasionally and ask for space in certain forms (eg: no phone calls this week before 6pm). See if they respect this. Or if they bulldoze over your requests.