Conversations in my head

[Gilead]

With my Mother. I do it loads, and more as I’ve got older. Each one telling her exactly what I think of her, detailing her abuse and appalling behaviours. I will never get the chance to have these conversations as we’ve been NC for years and I have no intention of contacting her. What’s sad is that my only regret when she dies ( she’s 84) is that I haven’t told her . Wish I could just stop the conversations and move on from it.

Would writing a letter to her and burning it help?

PO I have 'conversations' in my head too. Sometimes I have to shout out loud 'shut up!' so I can snap out of it.
It still happens but things that have helped me are:

• Psychotherapy ( I could only afford 6 sessions)
• Meditation and sleep stories with the calm app
• Talking to my husband

I sympathize a lot, intrusive thoughts can be really damaging.

Op. I can totally relate
Have these a lot and also @Cherrypicker85 find myself shouting in my head to stop!
It doesn’t do me any good, just makes me sad and angry. Mine has got worse as I’ve got older too. I think maybe it’s wishing i had said things or stood up for myself more.

Thank you, I sympathise with all of you. Equally, glad I’m not the only one with these thoughts.
I may try writing it.

I can 100% relate. NC with my mother, we were taken off her (I was age 4) due to horrendous abuse from her husband that she completely ignored, she chose him over us. I have written her many emails and deleted. I plan to never have contact with her again but I do worry when she dies I will regret never confronting her or trying to get answers. Not that I would ever get answers, she always blames everyone else and takes no responsibility.
No point stressing yourself over it, write it down when you feel your thoughts and either hide away or delete. I see it as she didn't deserve me then and she most certainly does not deserve me or my child now

My siblings and I wish we’d been removed but she was clever and covert, along with well known surname, and being headteacher at a local school. If I complained it was presented as me being attention seeking. She is a clever, wicked, cruel woman.

I used to have conversations like that too, but then I eventually told my mum. Not to get answers, just to let her know how everything made me feel. Since getting it off my chest I no longer say it over and over to myself. It was extremely hard to do but for me it helped and I'm glad I did it.

@Ispywithmycynicaleye you are braver than I!

I was raised in an abusive home and was NC with my mum for 16 years. I'm age 30 now and she died recently.
I used to also have those conversations and imagine what I would say and what she would say. Sometimes I fantasised she would say how sorry she was. Other times I thought she would just try to pass the blame or deny everything etc.
But now she has died I found it extremely hard that I had so many things that I never said. I was a weak child when I was younger and never said anything but now I'm older I wish I told her. I wish because now I have the "what if.." in my head and also unanswered questions that will forever remain unanswered. Its up to you what you did and I understand not wanting to actually talk to her. I thought about it many times but didnt due to me knowing it would create turmoil and hurt in my life.
It's up to you what you do. Just remember you're not a child anymore. You can cut off contact any time you need to or want to.
Lots of love and hugs. I understand how you're feeling.

I'm in the same situation. I've been NC 2 years in December. Initially there were lots of this going on in my head. It's almost a way of justifying your feelings I think. I wrote a letter expressing a lot of anger. I've never sent it but it has reduced the intrusive thoughts and if they come I am better at batting them away thrm I was before. Give it a try. Venting may really help you. Perhaps you could burn it after??
I've just never printed my letter but I feel when she finally dies I will print it and then destroy it once and for all.

I think the letter writing is a good idea. I would never send it, it would be used against me.
She won’t apologise, she denies lying to people, and cannot see that she’s ever done a thing wrong. When I was a younger our GP once said to me ‘ you know she’s a diagnosed narcissist don’t you?’, I didn’t, of course.

@Chickencuddle

I was raised in an abusive home and was NC with my mum for 16 years. I'm age 30 now and she died recently. I used to also have those conversations and imagine what I would say and what she would say. Sometimes I fantasised she would say how sorry she was. Other times I thought she would just try to pass the blame or deny everything etc. But now she has died I found it extremely hard that I had so many things that I never said. I was a weak child when I was younger and never said anything but now I'm older I wish I told her. I wish because now I have the "what if.." in my head and also unanswered questions that will forever remain unanswered. Its up to you what you did and I understand not wanting to actually talk to her. I thought about it many times but didnt due to me knowing it would create turmoil and hurt in my life. It's up to you what you do. Just remember you're not a child anymore. You can cut off contact any time you need to or want to. Lots of love and hugs. I understand how you're feeling.

I felt the same after my father died.

I also tend to argue with people in my head or even out loud when I feel like something hasn't been resolved.

I can totally relate, OP. I'm NC with my mother and I know that even if I took the energy to write everything down and sent her an email/letter, she would distort it and never accept responsibility. That's narcissists for you!

I've often been told to write it all down and not send it - like a big cathartic brain dump! I also thought about setting up a private blog to dump it all in, but it's getting the time to do it. Sometimes I feel it is a waste of time and energy because I don't want to focus or put my time into anything related to her at all..

I suppose there is no helpful answer from many of us who have been through the same, but you are not alone.

Thank you, all of you, for taking the time to reply. I know how bloody hard it is! 💐