Ways to show vulnerability?

[Maria53]

I'm interesting to hear ways you can show vulnerability in the early stages of dating and in a more established relationship.

I broke up with my ex a year ago on fairly good terms. When we met for a coffee shortly before lockdown, he said 'you definitely don't NEED a man though' - and it stung a bit. I'm worried I give off the impression that I have it so together I don't need to share my life with anyone.

Current guy I like has told me how impressed he is by me. Which seems like a nice compliment, but he went on to say he thinks I'm a much braver/more adventurous person than him. I think men sometimes put me on a pedestal but maybe I'm not too keen to be seen as less than perfect either.

So something embarrassing happened to me recently and I was honest with him about it. His response was quite surprising - he reassured me, encouraged me and opened up about something similar that once happened to him. It felt great!

But I also dont want to seem like I need to seem weaker than I am for men to feel like they can offer me something?

Keep being you. We have a natural feminine energy and the right man will be attracted to that. Here are things I keep in mind as I get to know someone new: 1. Be confident:
* knowing that you are enough; ur presence on aura, you have a right to be here. Gods purpose was for you to be here in this moment
* Knowing ur entitled to be here with this man
* U were meant to be here with this man

1. Ask him to help with something

* Teach you something * Move something * Helping/inspiring him is masculine energy. (Not bad, but just not for attracting a partner) So I stay away from doing that too much.

1. Compliment him on what he does to make you happy
2. Bring comfortable energy: ur happy, in love with life,
3. Give him space

I wouldn't make yourself show vulnerability- it'll happen naturally. Like you said- you shared a thing with him and it went well. That will happen more as time goes on and you relax being with him.

Someone saying you don't need a man is a compliment. Neediness is not a virtue and is unattractive.

A good man is a bonus in life, not a requirement to stay alive. If that's how you feel/act/seem, that's a good thing.

If a man thinks a woman needs him, that's when they take us for granted or think they can treat us any which way and we'll put up with it because we have to.

@SoulofanAggron - I think I'm less comfortable with showing vulnerability than I used to be. My last serious ex cheated on me and I had given my whole self to him. Really showed my underbelly, warts and all. I think I sometimes have an invisible barrier up now without realising?

I have had a couple of exes tell me I am more attractive/funnier/smarter than them and it bothers me. It is as though they think they have nothing to contribute.

I reckon the current guy I like thinks this to some extent. I am not sure how to achieve that balance of 'yes I have my shit together and am quite independent but I love having a great person to share it with'.

One of my best friends is a guy and his girlfriend is very needy. He loves catering to her every whim - it is not something I could ever do (ie act helpless like that). But he seems to love being needed by her.

My last serious ex cheated on me and I had given my whole self to him. Really showed my underbelly, warts and all. I think I sometimes have an invisible barrier up now without realising?

I think a little bit of avoiding this is ok- your ex fucked you over. As we go on in life we learn how to protect ourselves and that's ok. I'm 43 and only just starting to learn it for real.

I have had a couple of exes tell me I am more attractive /funnier/ smarter than them and it bothers me. It is as though they think they have nothing to contribute.

Maybe you haven't meet your match before. Also, these are compliments- accept them.

yes I have my shit together and am quite independent but I love having a great person to share it with

I think he will know. If not, you can always tell him how much you appreciate him, at times when it feels right.

If you didn't want to be in a relationship, you wouldn't be in a relationship, if you see what I mean. So once you're in one, that you want to be in one goes without saying. Just pay him the occasional compliment/say you appreciate something when you do (but without going overboard.)

One of my best friends is a guy and his girlfriend is very needy. He loves catering to her every whim - it is not something I could ever do (ie act helpless like that). But he seems to love being needed by her.

I think eventually he'll have enough of this/it'll get too much. Either way, it's not how you are or even 100% want to be. As you get closer to a bloke some of this develops.

It seems a little like you're embarrassed by your own good qualities of being competent, intelligent etc.

A bit like some smart kids at school might pretend not to be as academic as they are because they think it's uncool.

There's a market for you, I promise you. If a bloke's intimidated by your good qualities, he's not for you. There will be guys on your level.

I think it’s better not to ‘need’ a man. I don’t like to feel someone needs me early in a relationship, it feels a bit stifling. And this friend whose girlfriend is very needy, will he always love catering to her every whim? Is she helpless in everything, such as letting him make decisions and things for her? I couldn’t be bothered with this personally. If I’m getting into a relationship, I want a fully functioning adult who can bring stuff to the table, not a needy child.

For me, vulnerability comes with trust, which is built up slowly as you get to know someone. When you have gotten to know someone, you will naturally be more likely to show them a ‘softer’ side to your personality.

Great position to be in where you won't 'need' someone, you'll want someone, when it's the right person.

Some men will say at first they love you are independent and then turn. My ex did this. Cheated on me "because you earn more I felt emasculated." Didn't occur to him to work harder (no income, struggling artist lost soul type - boak when I think back) or stay true to what he said when we first were together - he was impressed / proud of me.

Try to keep your wits about you and not settle for either lovebombing or the opposite.

With the right person things flow naturally, at a sensible pace, and it feels easy and mutual. I promise.

One of my best friends is a guy and his girlfriend is very needy. He loves catering to her every whim - it is not something I could ever do (ie act helpless like that). But he seems to love being needed by her

I think you need to step right away from the notion that this is a relationship model worth copying.

What impression do you really want to give off? Do you really want to appear vulnerable?
Or is it that you want them to show you a protective nurturing side?

If it's that you want them to show you a more protective nurturing side then you can tell them what you like that makes you feel that way.
For example I love when you put your arms around me like that, it makes me feel safe and protected....or so on.

One of my best friends is a guy and his girlfriend is very needy. He loves catering to her every whim - it is not something I could ever do (ie act helpless like that). But he seems to love being needed by her

Only certain guys like that kind of thing. Not every man will love to be needed for every little thing. Some men would hate it.

I think a man who needs to be needed is a bad bet.

My ex husband was like this. When we got together I was a very vulnerable and needy person, primarily due to past trauma. He helped me grow strong... But then once I was strong, he felt I didn't have a need for him any more, and his insecurity contributed massively to the marriage failing.

When we were splitting up, he once shouted at me "This always happens! I get with someone when they need me, then I help them and they don't need me any more and fuck off!" I asked him why he kept choosing vulnerable women - he had no answer. A subsequent potential partner told me "You don't need anyone, do you!?" as if this was a bad thing.

This kind of commentary from a partner says a hell of a lot more about their needs than yours.

Exactly to pps who reference the danger inherent in men who ‘need to be needed’ or prefer vulnerable women. The very last thing you need is a man with rescuer syndrome or who wants an ickle helpless type he can bustle in and save.

The "rescuer" type can be bad news, as it really doesn't suit the dynamic for the "damsel in distress" to get better.

It can become abusive, as they consciously or unconsciously keep the other person dependent, or they lose interest and find the next damsel to comfort with their dick.

Keep looking for someone who wants an equal, not a ego-prop.

For "showing vulnerabilities", you just need to be open and honest, and let it flow naturally.

I wouldn't try to do it artificially and I certainly don't think it's a good idea to do it in the early stages of dating. You need to know someone.

Having boundaries and being capable are good things, if you have to pretend to be less than you are, you're lying about yourself and what kind of foundation for a relationship would that be?

I think that I maybe l didn't word my original question correctly. I think I come across as very self contained. Maybe she giving off a 'she doesn't need a man' vibe.

I know people are saying that seems like a good thing but maybe there is such a thing as seeming too independent? I do have a lot going on (or I did pre-pandemic) but that doesn't mean I don't have space for someone.

I think people view me in a positive light in lots of ways which is nice. But I'm not superwoman. One of the main things I am looking for is a strong guy, as in someone that is equally capable of being there for me as I am for them. In the past I've been the strong emotional pillar and I've heard 'you're the strongest person I know' more than once. I'm human and I get tired of it.

Is it just that you haven't found the right man yet?
It's like you think that you need to change something about yourself so that you can bring out that side in the men you've been seeing? but maybe they just aren't those kind of men?

This TED talk by Brene Brown may be worth a watch. www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

Her book www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0241257409/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8 Daring Greatly is also a great eye opener for those of us (me...) that keep such a tight control of our plate spinning, that we refuse to allow ourselves to show any chink in the armour for fear of someone pointing a finger and noticing we're actually human - it's not a bad thing! I agree that it needs to come naturally, but sometimes you've been doing it so long you need something to kick start it.

It's harder that it sounds but you really do just need to be yourself. Showing false vulnerability will attract the wrong man. So you don't need someone to save you - that's fine!! Too many codependent relationships out there.

There's no such thing as being too independent, no. We all need to be as independent as possible. Once we reach adulthood, and sadly sometimes before, we are all essentially on our own, with other people naturally coming and going.

Like someone else said, you should want to be with someone. That's the best thing you can have in a relationship: someone you actively want to be with. You might love them for the support they offer, but there's a difference between being grateful for and appreciating their support, and relying on their support. Even someone whose partner offers them support with a physical disability, for instance, needs to know that they are not totally fucked when their partner dies/leaves.

So open up all you like, and thank your bf for any support or comfort he offers, but honestly, he should be aware that you don't need him, specifically. Make sure that's clear, and that it's a nice balance of give and take.

Predatory men seek vulnerable women. I'm fairly vulnerable myself but I sure as shit won't be letting that on to any potential suitors until I know they're not with me for that reason

Just to be clear, this guy I like at the moment is not my bf but we were going to go on a date a few days before lockdown and had to cancel

We've chatted a lot online and been in zoom quizzes with friends since then. We had another one today where he had to come up with a wild fact about ourselves and he mentioned his was 'boring' compared to mine.

My friend thinks that because I've lived a lifestyle some people might see as exotic (worked and lived in multiple countries etc), he is maybe wondering if he measures up. Not sure if that is true or not.

Either way, I'm not sure how to mention/make it clear that I really dont care about him being some kind of exciting daredevil. He is really kind and funny and smart - and those eyes!

I don't think your friend is very helpful.

I doubt he's wondering if he measures up, that presumes a lot about him. Most of it negative.

Stop overthinking it and viewing your own lifestyle as a hindrance or negative. If he was intimidated by you having lived and worked abroad, then he would not the guy for you. I mean, what kind of weak-assed loser would he be?!

If you like him, make that clear. And if you don't think he's had the life experiences you've had and you genuinely don't think that's a problem, then you don't need to tell him that. Because it doesn't matter.

If you do feel like you're, I don't know, "better" than him for having different life experiences, with the best will in the world, you need to pull your head out of your arse.

If he is wondering if he measures up so strongly that you have to mummy him and stroke his ego, then he doesn''t measure up.

I would also think, however, that it was just a bit of self-deprecating humour, or possibly a bit of mild, maybe flirty teasing about your "exoticism".