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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling torn - drunk husband

8 replies

Tulip55 · 20/09/2020 21:32

I have written before and been told to leave my husband and I very nearly did. I try so hard to feel happy and secure with him but I just don't think I can stay in this relationship forever. We make a great team with home and child care but he has a habit of drinking excessively which i have come to hate. He has been emotionally abusive in the past but we have moved past that i think. However i still do not fully trust him emotionally. We had a night just the 2 of us and we hadn't had sex for about 2 months. He didn't drink at all and spoke to me about how he was watching his drinking from now on. I felt the closest to him I had felt in ages and we had sex. Today he's drunk, and i feel cheated, like that was just an act to get what he wanted. I dont know what to think anymore. He knows how much I hate him being drunk yet he continues to do it it on a regular basis, and when I say drunk...tonight he told me he couldn't read his phone as he was too drunk to focus. It just grosses me out now, cant stand it. I dont really know what to expect from this message....would be nice to hear from others in a similar situation i suppose.

OP posts:
TheMurk · 20/09/2020 21:38

Take it from me, you alone will never change an alcoholic.

He can promise he will do it “for you”, he can try for a short while and things will be fine, but he will never succeed long term unless he does it for him.

And he’ll only do it for him when he hits rock bottom (and even then, some people never do).

Leaving an alcoholic partner was the best thing I ever did and I should have done it YEARS sooner than I did.

Please, life is short. Leave him.

Beelzebop · 20/09/2020 23:53

I am in a similar situation. It's shit. I've given him too many chances. You end up with this cycle. My dh will go a few months and then there will be a slide into a few nights of drunken nastiness and then back to nice. I'm trying so.hard to do something but I don't know what. He values his drink more than me. Just letting you know you're not alone xx.

Tulip55 · 21/09/2020 08:17

@TheMurk thank you. I know deep down you are right but I dont want to break up my family. My kids at 7 and 9 yo. They don't seem to mind him when he's drunk as he is more fun apparently. After we almost split 6 months ago, he promised he would stop drinking amongst other things. Now he's says I am being unfair and have unrealistic expectations. Hes probably right on the expectations, that is him making it very clear he's not going to change and I can take or leave it...but when I try to leave he begs me not to and promises me the world

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Tulip55 · 21/09/2020 08:19

@Beelzebop thank you, it really helps to know I'm not alone. I cant talk to my friends or family about this so I do feel very lonely at times. Maybe we can use this thread to get things off our chest and hopefully feel less alone

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2020 08:50

And the merry go around of denial continues.

What stopped you from leaving before?. Fear of him, a fear of being alone, financial reasons?. What are the reasons?. If you can articulate your fears more then perhaps these can be broken down into more manageable chunks.

He has already broken this family because of his alcoholism and he is saying all the things that alcoholics say. Its never their fault and you're stopping him from having his "fun".

Better to be from a so called "broken home" too than to remain in one for what are really your own reasons. Did you yourself grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent too?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he still meeting?. I have to look at you as well here Tulip because you're as much caught up in his alcoholism as he is and your kids are being dragged into this too. Its no legacy to leave them and its no nice childhood for them either. What do you think they are going to remember the most about their childhoods?. Have a look at websites detailing how children are emotionally affected by an alcoholic parent; that should remove any scales from your eyes. Like many posts of this type too its mainly about the alcoholic.

Hard as this is to read I would urge you to read this article:-
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

You cannot and should not use the children here as a reason to stay with him. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. They are already learning really damaging lessons here by thinking their father is more "fun" when he is drunk, this is terrible. They could all too easily themselves end up with alcoholics as partners and they are probably already alternating between tiptoeing around dad and laughing along with him. They are becoming super responsible and learning to be codependent too like you are. By being with him also you are propping him up and otherwise enabling him, this state gives you a false sense of control. You have NO control here over this and he has to be the one who decides to seek help. If he does so because or for you it will fail.

His alcoholism is and remains the elephant in the room. You are merely firefighting this whilst you lurch from one crisis to another. This will not end until you finally decide that enough is enough and give your own self permission to leave him. There are NO guarantees here re alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Abuse like this thrives on secrecy and if you really cannot open up more to family and or friends then I would urge you to contact Al-anon and keep posting here on your thread. You need a safe outlet.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2020 08:58

And alongside his alcoholism he is emotionally abusive towards you as well. Your children will be affected by seeing all this from him towards you within their home. This is NO life for them either, their home is not the sanctuary it should be.

Celena86 · 21/09/2020 09:07

Its sounds like your partner needs therapy for his drinking. It is an addiction and needs professional treatment. Has he ever been willing to have counselling? Or even admit he has a problem ?
The thing with addiction is that you and other as a partner end up on the recieveing end with all the hurtful behaviour. People with addictions are hurting to some level or have some form of depression i assume to feel the want and need for alcohol to make them feel better.
If hes not willing to get help or even want to change then I'd consider your future with again as unfortunately its you and your children you'd then have to prioritise

Tulip55 · 21/09/2020 11:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat I was so close to leaving him before, he was staying at his mums. But he went to the doctors and they said he had anxiety and put him on medication. I wanted to support him through that so I ended up letting him back in. The kids were so unhappy when he was gone, my youngest became particularly anxious. So i would say my kids happiness is my driving force here. I earn a decent wage so I could afford to live separately. I'm scared of being lonely too for sure. I dont have many friends, none who I go out and do things with, just mums i chat to regularly at school gates. I'm scared the kids will blame me and hate me.
I'm scared I'm overreacting like he says I am and its me who's actually the problem.
My mum drinks a bottle of wine every night, always has, it ruined hers and my dads relationship i think ultimately. But when she went to CAN for help they said her problem wasn't serious enough.
A year ago he was drinking excessively and he has definitely cut down a hell of a lot. But its not enough for me, which makes him feel like i dont appreciate the changes he has made. I feel like i have just reached my quota for the amount of times I have to watch my husband being a drunken clown, especially infront of the kids.

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