Am I in an abusive relationship

[MummaMinxi]

Since lockdown I've realised I may be in an abusive relationship and not quite sure what to do.
The more I think about things, the more I realise what he's been doing;

I have no friends, none, everyone I've had, he's found fault in or made me think they're not good for me or just made my life misery whenever I've wanted to go somewhere so I just stopped going out. I remember wanting to go to work & him telling me that he wouldn't help me with the kids at all, so I had to choose. I didn't choose, I got a school time job but he hated it and at the time wasn't working but wasn't doing anything to help me either.
If he doesn't get sex on a Saturday morning, is absolutely horrible to be around, will bang stuff around, shout & just act like a sulky child...so most of the time I do it for an easy home for the kids.
I know I have to end it but doing so is going to try so hard....he won't just leave if I asked him to, he'll get angry and aggressive, will accuse me of having another man, try to take my youngest girl, wreck/break the house or hurt me. I have to figure out how to get him out & stay safe without having to run from our home.
I know I have to end it, for me and my kids....I don't know how long this has been going on but Friday night something clicked and I realised what's happening. He always makes everything about him, screams over & at me, tells me I'm being stupid/a div/overreacting....he's got a drink problem too and I've finally realised its not okay for the kids or me to live this way.

I suffer from Bipolar type 2, agoraphobia and severe depressive episodes, on Friday I was in a really bad way, needed to go to A&E but he wouldn't let me go, instead told me to stop being a miserable c**t and to get over my mental health. He made it clear he doesn't care about my mental health and that he doesn't support me the way he should be as my partner.
This sent me into a massive spiral and I finally realised I have to end things.

I guess the point of my post is, verifying to myself that this is an abusive relationship, because as I write this, I can see it is, but also for advice on how I can end the relationship safely, without having to leave my home. My oldest daughters are doing their GCSE'S next yr & have changed secondary school 4 times since yr 7 so I really don't want to uproot them again.

I AM going to end it, I DON'T want to live this way anymore, I just need the right advice on how to do it right and forever.
Thanks for sticking with me through the post xx

I only had to read the first line OP. ' I have no friends, none, everyone I've had, he's found fault in or made me think they're not good for me .....'
This is an attempt to isolate you.
I went through it all about 6 years ago. He wouldn't leave so I finally got the guts to leave (actually after lots of advice from on here).
You can't see the forest for the trees at the moment.
It looks like a huge mountain ahead of you. You will struggle with all the obstacle which come up but you will know.
He' calling you horrible names and making you feel worse about yourself. That's not love.

Now for the good bit.....since I left (my mum helped me out a bit and you will probably need to ask for help), It's been tough with 3 kids but I have overcome. I've been on my own since then (and I'm happy on my own). I got on different courses and got myself back into work. I made myself proud.
I can put the sofa wherever I bloody like, sit down without being made to feel lazy and I don't feel the huge weight on me of walking on eggshells.
IMO if a man makes you feel like this, it's time to leave before you crack in two. Your children deserve their mum in one piece.

As for practical advice. Don't tell him yet. Gather all documents you might need or photocopy them secretly. Start planning how you will leave and try and get some support around you. I left while he was at work one day after lots of careful planning.

Ring a domestic violence or a mental health helpline, these things often coexist, for many understandable reasons, not least that abuse can start or exacerbate mental health problems.

They will be able to give you or refer you to specialist, confidential support.

@Scantilydoesit

I only had to read the first line OP. ' I have no friends, none, everyone I've had, he's found fault in or made me think they're not good for me .....' This is an attempt to isolate you. I went through it all about 6 years ago. He wouldn't leave so I finally got the guts to leave (actually after lots of advice from on here). You can't see the forest for the trees at the moment. It looks like a huge mountain ahead of you. You will struggle with all the obstacle which come up but you will know. He' calling you horrible names and making you feel worse about yourself. That's not love.

Now for the good bit.....since I left (my mum helped me out a bit and you will probably need to ask for help), It's been tough with 3 kids but I have overcome. I've been on my own since then (and I'm happy on my own). I got on different courses and got myself back into work. I made myself proud.
I can put the sofa wherever I bloody like, sit down without being made to feel lazy and I don't feel the huge weight on me of walking on eggshells.
IMO if a man makes you feel like this, it's time to leave before you crack in two. Your children deserve their mum in one piece.

Your post has struck a cord with me I feel exactly like you have said in your post like I'm on eggshells I have no friends at all what you have wrote will hopefully make me find the strength to start to get ready to leave I need too I deserve better

I had no friends wither OP. I went out about twice in 5 years. The one time I went out with a friend and came back before 11pm he'd locked me out.
If you can't find anywhere to stay or anyone you can trust to help try and call a helpline like August said.
Document anything you can - even the nasty words and horrible stares.
Even if it's not physical, it's still devastating. Mine gave me the silent treatment to 'punish' me (for whatever I hadn't done/done to please him). Then there'll be a period of being all nice to confuse you.
Here if you need anyone to talk to.

So, he was ever so nice yesterday, made the kids dinner, wasn't aggressive, mean or shouty at all but I think that's part of his game...he behaves so very horribly then after is as if nothing has happened. Today I've invested in a discreet bodycam because I can't live with not knowing what's real... part of my illness means I forget things quickly, get memories muddled & lose my words, so a camera will help me so much.

Is there a way I can get help from a refuge or something, without having to give up my home? I feel, unless I leave the area, I will never be free but the kids and I are so settled here, and I rent privately so I don't know what it'll mean if I just leave

It’s abuse.
Get some help and end the relationship.
You can create a peaceful and safe home for yourself & your children.

Women's aid or a local domestic violence charity will help you if you want to stay in your home, yes - If there's a way of making you safe there. You will need police and legal advice to exclude your partner from your home though.

Is the rental agreement in your name only?

Here's a list of local services::

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

You might also like to know that Boots offer a private room and phone for you to get help with DV if making a call from home might be difficult.

August has given some great resources Mumma. I'm sure they will help with the legal advice side too.
I moved over 100 miles away to be near my mum.

This is abuse. I guarantee he is the root cause of a lot of your MH conditions. You are being kept in the FOG.

I bet sleep ain't great either is it?

You have to get out. Do you have parents close to you? A word. Your kids are suffering. Het them out as soon as possible. I get that about your daughter's GCSEs but mental health trumps quals.

And I'm a teacher.