Another petty argument...

[notoveruntilthefatladysings]

What would you call this?

Husband and I on the way home with 12yr old son in the back of the car. He takes a turn which I think will take longer. I proceed to have a bit of a moan that this route is definitely longer than the other route. He then says basically Get over it. Which I completely get. Then he calls me a pathological moaner and what is my problem. I didn’t name call. I was just exclaiming why did he go this route and how much longer it was. I said not to name call me and he said I was being too sensitive and he wasn’t name calling.

I personally feel this wasn’t called for and him just saying get over it was enough.

There is a history of him name calling and minimising what I say too. My son also didn’t think it was true. Ie that I’m a pathological moaner/whiner and was upset as the more I told my husband to not be so unkind, the more I was told I was being too sensitive.

Please can I have your opinion?

Sounds like normal car bickering. You started by criticising, then continued the argument whilst he was driving. And you both continued arguing in front of your son. What he said wasn't kind but neither of you have covered yourself in glory.

My parents used to do this and I hated it when I was a child. The last guy I dated would do stuff like this and I would react like you. With him I couldn’t bite my tongue, I would always point out things like that. He would always minimize things I say as well and never can admit he was wrong. Was a huge turnoff for me. We constantly bickered and I hate that feeling.

What does it matter which way he goes for the sake of a few mins. He's driving- his call. Go your way when/if you drive. It's a silly petty thing to start criticising someone about so don't moan when they complain. It shouldn't be in front of your child though.

Why are you dragging your poor son into it?

I didn't complain when he told me to stop. I did stop. It was just an annoyance and I took his point.

I objected to him name calling me. Which is fair enough in front of my son. To complain about a road route is fairly low level bickering I would imagine and wouldn't normally justify name calling a person ?

When you pointed out that the route he took was longer, what was your goal? Did you want him to turn the car around and go another way? If not, I'd think you were just moaning for the sake of it tbh. If you do it a lot, with no other goal than to moan, I'd think you were a moaner and I'd probably say it.

That's why I stopped. I realised it was wrong and moaning But a 'pathological moaner'!! Seems a bit extreme to me. Like I said he has a history of name calling and I guess I'm obviously too sensitive to it.

No, it's not OK for there to be name-calling. It doesn't sound like there's a lot of respect in the relationship.

How did your son get drawn into it?

Unnecessary to mention about the other route, you drive if it bothers you, nobody likes a backseat driver. Also Unnecessary to name call you.

My son didn't get drawn into it but he did tell us to stop. Which we did. He also told my husband that I wasn't actually making a big deal of. I had just asked why he took that turning and said it's a much longer route. I also said it was an odd route to take. He took offense to that.

That's the definition of getting drawn into it ^ having to ask his parents to stop fighting, taking a side.

How much longer was it?

My parents used to do this all the time in front of me, particularly when driving. It was horrible

Not a massive amount but I wasn't exactly ranting. I just made a point of exclaiming it was longer and an odd route to take. I also shut up and realised I shouldn't of said anything. My point is calling some one a pathological anything is always going to be fairly insulting and it also insinuates I was going about it in an extreme way making out I have some kind of problem in general.

We're also in marriage counselling at the moment so we're not in a good place anyway. I've also had emotional abuse in the past so I'm sensitive to the name calling.

I think this is the sort of thing that holds much greater significance when your relationship is not in a great place. For me, this sounds like playful bickering that DH and I would possibly engage in, but I realise that’s not how it played out for you.

I would bite my tongue and try to ignore it. Maybe raise it in counselling