Possessive/controlling relationship

[ChellLdn]

My sister has a habit of getting into bad relationships so I’m not sure if I’m judging too quickly or basing it off her past, but I feel like her latest partner is controlling and manipulative and I’m really worried about the impact it’s going to have on her children.

They got together in February and it was instantly so intense - all over Facebook about how much they love each other. He kept posting things like “she’s mine” with pictures of her, constantly posting on social media about how much they love each other, despite being sat at home beside each other, and they even posted a ‘one week anniversary’ photo collage of all their happy memories

My sister almost instantly moved herself and her two young children into his house, and that’s where they’ve been since lockdown. He now refers to himself as their dad. Posts pictures of them on Facebook referring to them as ‘our son and daughter’. He even got a tattoo of their names. We’ve tried to tell her this isn’t normal, but she’s totally smitten and won’t listen. It feels like he’s trying to distance her from her family by flattering her and telling her we’re all just out to get her.

So the latest thing was last week, it was my daughters birthday. She shared a picture of her on Facebook and said ‘Happy birthday to my Ella (name changed obviously!) and he commented “I think you’ll find she’s ours now”. This has really got to me. He’s met my child twice ever, he’s not her uncle, I don’t know him and it’s weird him being so possessive. It just made me feel really uncomfortable but I can’t quite put my finger on why. I want to say something to my sister about it but I know she’s going to get defensive and say he was just being cute.

Am I right to feel so uncomfortable about this man? I’m just seeing so many red flags but she’s so defensive of any of us try to bring it up.

You're not being unreasonable but there isn't much you can do about her choices. I advise you to stop bringing it up with her because if you keep at her, once he starts hurting her or the kids, she won't tell you because she won't want you to be proven right.

Sorry. I know its hard.

Sounds like a possessive nutter. This will not end well.

Alway stunned by the amount of women willing to put a stranger above their own children's safety and security. Ugh. Fucking grim. Poor kids.

Poor you, it's awful but as you know the more you say negatively about him the more you'll become the 'them' in the "us versus them" dynamic this ridiculous kind of relationship has.

All you can do is hope it doesn't last long and of course report anything you believe meets the threshold of SS involvement should that happen.

Thanks for the replies. You’re all right that brining it up with her isn’t going to help. She just has the worst history of getting into crap relationships, ignoring all our advice, then admitting us after the breakup that he was abusive/controlling/violent.

I will just have to keep an eye on things and make my niece and nephew a priority if I ever suspect they’re in danger.

One week anniversary gave me full body cringe. Some of me is sympathetic as she's clearly not in the headspace to make sensible decisions but I have to say a much bigger part is judgmental and concerned as she has children who don't have a choice about this, whereas she does. Again, sorry OP I know it's so hard to watch from the outside especially when you love the kids involved like your niece and nephew.

Just be there for her. Also, ask her to stop putting your child on social media. That would infuriate me.

He's a fruitcake. But she won't listen, you just don't know him as well as she does.
This will end very badly I feel.

Abusive. I'd wager this one could be violent. It's very worrying. Your fears are correct.

Yep he's clearly unhinged. Any guy I've dated who tried to rush things has always ended up having 'issues' although never to this extent.
I'd stop slagging him off to her and actually try to keep her close. Yes she is an adult and makes her own choices but some people can be blinded by love. This will not end well so at least as their aunt, you can keep an eye on her kids.