Cheating arsehole, not my circus but someone I love

[famousforwrongreason]

Long back story I cba to go into. Someone I love is in a long-term abusive relationship, there are kids involved. We fell out a long time ago because the partner is horrible and because I interfered in completely the wrong ways, was young, stupid and inexperienced and didn't cover myself in glory SSO accept shhe had good reasons for alienating me but since then shhe has systematically lost all her old and close friends and has absolutely no family contact at all. It's him and her against the world.
I have heard rumours on and off for years that he is unfaithful or certainly tries to be and more recently I've been told more than once about him being caught trying it on with women, makiing her friends uncomfortable etc and this weekend a friend says he's been phoning her when the wife is in bed, sending. Messages And declaring love.
This friend says she has deleted all his messages as freaked out so there's no current evidence. Our group are talking about doing 'a Sting's or honeytrap type thing but I disagree and think she should just tell her straight but she doesn't want conflict which I understand, he is a really evil sly bastard and his poor wife is completely under his control.
I'm so sad , I know if it came from me it would look like spite and schadenfreude, plus I've already been painted as a mental interfering bitch so I don't really want to bring him back into my life. I'm absolutely gutted as I still really care about this woman
I just want to hear people's thoughts really please.

I should just say, I'm sure she's in no doubt about what he's like , he is very sexual and very much focused on sexual conversation and porn etc, he's been inappropriate with all her women friends and close family members and has no real close friends of his own because he is an absolute tosser
He has a lot to offer financially and his family is very rich, she's set for life in terms of material things.

If she values material things over being respected then unfortunately there’s nothing you can do. She knows what he’s like yet chooses to stay.

Leave well alone, she probably knows but is ignoring it.

She’s under no illusions about who he is. I think you and your friends need to accept that his shit, is the price she thinks is worth paying for being with him.

I personally think having a friend’s lecherous H trying it on is too much of a price to pay for a friendship.

Thank you for being the voices of reason. I think the difference is now it's clarified that it's actually someone we know who he's actively chasing and she's always been in huge denial.
But , I think.it will end up doing me more damage if I do or say anything. It's very sad. I know guys do this and have been on the receiving end of unwanted attention from other people's husbands and partners and if it's someone I care about I tell them. If I don't know the woman I tend to just shut down the guy but it often transpires from chatting to other women that these husbands etc are trying their luck with numerous women.
I am not going to do anything but I might come here to mull it over now and then.

If it's someone I care about I tell them

Under normal circumstances yes of course, so would I but here it's clearly a lost cause.

I mean if she ends it with him for good and wants to rekindle the friendship I say go for it, but for now she has to be left to crack on IMO.

As the saying goes you can't wake someone who's pretending to be asleep.

@Closetbeanmuncher

If it's someone I care about I tell them

Under normal circumstances yes of course, so would I but here it's clearly a lost cause.

I mean if she ends it with him for good and wants to rekindle the friendship I say go for it, but for now she has to be left to crack on IMO.

As the saying goes you can't wake someone who's pretending to be asleep.

Love your username @closetbeanmuncher Yeah you're right I guess. I discovered last night that this group of mutual friends have been told every little thing about me, all my darkest secrets and pain Al under the guise of my being 'mental' in order to explain why she has pushed me away. Luckily I am able to accept this and as someone wiith mental health issues and undergoing a lot of therapy etc I can see why this looks like a reasonable reason to cut someone else out of your life but it also really hurts that all these years there have been loads of people who are friendly to me who have been holding this judgement of me, and knowing my personal hell which I thought was very private
Other people who have been pushed out by her say ' she made her bed' etc but I feel where control and abuse lie, they didn't always make an active one off decision to fuck everyone off and ruiin their own self esteem. I'm definitely not going to do anything, it's just upset me a lot

I discovered last night that this group of mutual friends have been told every little thing about me, all my darkest secrets and pain Al under the guise of my being 'mental' in order to explain why she has pushed me away

On that basis I would say her and the boyfriend deserve each other. I wouldn't bother with her again based on that, abuse or no abuse.

@Closetbeanmuncher

I discovered last night that this group of mutual friends have been told every little thing about me, all my darkest secrets and pain Al under the guise of my being 'mental' in order to explain why she has pushed me away

On that basis I would say her and the boyfriend deserve each other. I wouldn't bother with her again based on that, abuse or no abuse.

Yeah I get ya. I’m very big hearted and forgiving but this has really hurt and shocked me. I know it’s fundamentally from him and the narrative of having me as a mad enemy helps to keep her where he wants her and them attacking me is easier than facing up to the lie of their relationship. I know she’s been awful about me and de is a grown woman but at the same time I know how longterm brainwashing and manipulation works and he’s systematically chipped away at her for nearly two decades. Her upbringing was also a place of abuse and control so it is really her ‘normal’ . I definitely need to STay strong in this.