Sexless Marriage

[FatherFred]

Hi everyone, I know some people see this as a women’s only site but as a father of three children I find the content on here very interesting and helpful.

I suppose its a bit of a cliché for a man to be on here asking for sex advice but I really need some help from people that don’t know us.

I’ve been with my wife for almost 20 years (we’re both early 40’s) and have three beautiful children. I am very happy with the exception of our sex life. It’s practically non existent. The last time we had sex was when our youngest (who’s now three) was conceived. Prior to that, the last time we had sex was around the time our second child was conceived! We have a bit of foreplay every few months but this is only when I instigate it. I go through phases where I purposely won’t instigate it to see if she does but it never happens. I’ve tried talking to her about how I feel but she doesn’t like talking about these things and always promises she’ll make more effort. Every time I discuss it with her I feel a weight has been lifted and things will get better but then nothing changes. I often find myself laying awake at night thinking about it and wake up in the morning in a bad mood and resent her for it.

The first time I discussed it with her she said It was because i don’t show enough affection towards her. This maybe the case in the last year or so but that’s mainly because I feel so rejected and resentful. I still tell her several times a day I love her and always give her a kiss if I’m going out the door even if I’m just popping to the shop to buy milk! The second time I brought it up she told me she just tried not to think about it and basically buries her head in the sand.

We went away for a weekend for her birthday 2 years ago and I ordered some sex toys (for her) to try and spice things up. She wasn’t keen on the idea and they’ve been sitting in the cupboard ever since.

Our sex life was great in the first couple of years but then she just seemed to go off it and it was always me trying to instigate things and more often than not would be rejected. My wife was my first proper relationship and girls I’d slept with before her were mainly one night stands. I’m there fore no expert between the sheets but if I can’t practice I’m never going to get better! My wife can’t explain why she feels like this but has assured me she still fancies me! A couple of months ago I had a big birthday and the in laws looked after the kids. I definitely thought something would happen as we had time together on our own (and being my birthday!) but again nothing happened. I don’t want to instigate it all the time as I hate the idea of her doing it because she can’t say no.

I don’t want to split up but I can’t go on like this either. I’ve explained to her that I’m not looking for sex every night, at this stage I’d be more than happy with once a month!

For the record, there has been no trauma in our relationship - neither of us have ever cheated or had a temporary split during our mainly very happy relationship.

Any advice would be very welcome - apologies for such a long post!!!

Thanks xx

‘always promises (insert gender) make more effort’ seems to be a universal phrase on this topic

Considering you have had a sexless marriage for what 5-6 years at least I am not sure this can be fixed, especially if she wont tell you what the problem is.

Some people just aren’t that sexual and maybe now she has kids that part of her has switched off.
Counselling might help but its quite probable she doesn't think there is a problem - someone with no interest in sex often just doesn’t get what its like for someone who likes sex to go without.

I am not sure she will change so your choices are stay with no expectation of sex or leave. Sorry cant be more positive

Not much I can say because I’m your wife (not actually your wife)!! I don’t know why I feel as I do , I honestly just don’t enjoy it that much and hence don’t feel the need. On my case I don’t like being touched much generally, I’m not a buggy person. I will say buying sex toys for someone who just ‘isn’t that into it’ really doesn’t work I’m afraid— it feels like it’s a present for you, not for her. In my case I’ve alwAys been quite into it for maybe first 3 years with someone and then it starts to feel like something else on the ‘to do’ list. Not everyone is like me by a long way, but I know myself well enough to know that if we split I will remain single— it’s not fair on someone else.

I will say buying sex toys for someone who just ‘isn’t that into it’ really doesn’t work I’m afraid— it feels like it’s a present for you, not for her

Yes.

But leaving that aside. LIke PP said we don't know why her sex drive isn't there/ there with you. Maybe its waned with time, maybe she is too tired/ consumed with kids/ life. Who knows.

If, big if, she wants to get her libido back I suggest she starts by having sex with herself - join OMG Yes. Maybe look at massage as a way to start to build touch again, building over time to erotic massage/ tantra - I think the slower more erotic sex probably suits a lot of women (not 7 hour marathons by the way, just slowing a bit and attuning to touch.

I would try to establish if she actually wants to stay married first. Second if she wants to get her sex life back for HER sake (ask her to be honest, maybe ask the question and give a week to think about it before answering), and if so ask her to commit to specific steps - such as OMG Yes, starting to masturbate regularly, and build from there.

If she wants to stay married but not have sex, then this is one of the very few areas I think an affair is justified. If that is the only part of your marriage that has failed, if you would both be miserable if you split, have a discreet affair.

You are in a difficult situation. Your wife has got what she wants. Her nest is full, and she has the security of a marriage certificate. Having sex with you has, therefore, served its purpose and she sees no reason to have sex with you again. This situation is not uncommon. Furthermore, she won’t talk to you about it or make any attempt to fix the situation.

You have tried to resolve the situation but it appears you are wasting your time. She doesn’t want to change, sees no reason to do and has no intention of doing so.

You have to ask yourself some tough questions. Is the lack of sex a dealbreaker? If so, she needs to understand that the marriage will end if the situation doesn’t change. Do you both want to stay married? If so, how would she feel about you looking for sex outside the marriage?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I am a BDSM and kink writer and educator.

However, what struck me from your post is that you bought sex toys (what exactly?) Bevause you presumably thought she would be ok?

And guess what happened, she wasn't.

Do you see the problem?

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply to my post, really appreciate it.

I bought 2 vibrator type sex toys as I thought maybe it was my technique that wasn't doing it for her! I thought she might use them when she is alone and rediscover her sexual appetite. She seemed quite excited when I told her I had ordered them prior to our weekend away, Not quite sure I see a massive problem with that unless I'm missing something here??

I’m really not sure this can be fixed. It sounds like you aren’t compatible anymore.

The truth is you’ve tried. I don’t know what else you can try! It’s not really fair to expect you to live without sex for the rest of your life. How depressing! It’s maybe time to split amicably and as very good friends and co-parent respectfully and with kindness. Then once that’s done and a bit of time has passed you can start dating again and find someone who does want sex with you. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable here and if you do it right your kids won’t be traumatised. They would if it got nasty because you had an affair due to frustration!

You're outlined it yourself.

She probably wanted to use them alone, first.

Why is that so hard to understand? I'm geuinely confused here?

you are flogging a dead horse here. I doubt she will ever change so you have one final discussion laying it on the line and if she doesn’t change then.

1. Accept it and just sort yourself out
2. Leave her.

Tough situation but what's clear is she doesn't want to have sex with you. The reason doesn't make much difference. The sex toys thing is a bit ugh... most women can imagine that shudder of "oh for fucks sake" of being bought sex toys as a "gift" (not for us) by someone we aren't interested in sex with.

Not quite sure I see a massive problem with that unless I'm missing something here??

Because she hasn't wanted to have sex with you for a long time and, without a discussion with her (it would seem) you brought her a sex aid.
The problem of her not wanting to have sex with you needs to be sorted first (if it can be - doesn't look hopeful tbh). Then you create your sex life, with or without toys, together.

I had the most boring sex life when I was married and I truly think that I found it boring because we just knew each other too well! I also assumed I had just "got to that age" whereby sex didn't really cross my mind.

3 years on since my divorce and I can honestly say that I am a completely different person. I ADORE sex! I feel sexy, excited, willing to try new things - all the things I didn't feel with my husband towards the end.

I'm sure she loves you and the "home set up" but I doubt the sex will come back again I'm afraid.

Good luck .

They would if it got nasty because you had an affair due to frustration!

Well, only if she found out. And actually, if she really doesn't want to have sex ever again - and it sounds like there has been minimal sex for 18 years, dwindling to none for many years - she may, even if she suspects, be relieved the pressure has been taken off her by her DH having an affair.
I don't see how any women who stops having sex at such a young age can realistically expect her husband not to either seek extramarital sex or to leave her.
Question to you OP, is whether extramarital sex/ affair will be sufficient for you, or whether you want a chance to form a full sexual and emotional and lifelong relationship with another women, in which case you need to leave your wife.

I don't envy you. Its a horrible situation to be in and I don't think your wife is being fair with you by stringing you along instead of having a frank conversation about her not wanting sex.

Fellow male here. I've been exactly where you are. Sex is a habit, and we were well and truly out of the habit. In the end I had to lay it on the line.

1. If you don't want sex I understand and I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.

1. But, I do want sex, it's important to me, and I really want to have a loving, sexual relationship with you. The absence of this in my life is difficult to bear.

1. Unless we can work this out somehow, you will have to accept me having sex outside the marriage or if you can't cope with this, we will very sadly have to separate.

Like your wife, my wife said she would make an effort, but again nothing changed, leaving me with a horrible decision.

I actually then did something slightly weird, and I hope people don't hate me for this and see the funny side, but I stopped making her cups of tea. I had always brought her cups of tea in bed in the morning when I make my coffee, and at other times during the day. I explained that I intended to stay in the marriage, but I would never again make her a cup of tea. I would have to deal with an end to my sex life, she would have to make her own tea. I said it calmly, no malice, but I stuck to it. She laughed at me, she took the mickey out of me, but I stuck to it.

We were having sex within about a week. I'm not for a moment suggesting this as a course of action, but it's a funny story anyway.

I think calmly and lovingly explaining how I felt was probably the key thing. And then getting back into the habit.

I was with my husband for 43 years and had the most amazing sex life. I love sex, obviously he did too, we fancied the pants off of each other! Just as well. But I have friends who are the same as your wife, not interested at all. Had a girls night out last week and they couldn’t care less if their husbands got it else where. It won’t change, I couldn’t imagine living without sex or the intimacy it brings, it’s so exciting! you have to make a choice if you want sex I’m afraid. Why would you have to go without it?

So I’m like your wife. When I get into a new relationship Sex is fun although I never initiate it as I never desire it. After a couple years it becomes a chore.

For some women sex is for procreation for the most part. They DTD at the beginning because it’s exciting and it’s “expected”.

I am also like your wife. I realised it was going to be a problem in the long term so I thought about what I could do to change things. Before marriage and kids I loved having sex with my husband and now it is so much harder.

For me being tired was a huge part of the problem. So once a week I would let the kitchen stay a mess and I would have a shower and pamper myself and rest in bed and just read.

Being relaxed in bed was the first tiny step.

Then I would try to initiate sex with my husband and I would hate feeling obliged to but 10 mins in and I would be happy and really enjoying myself.

Could you try just relaxing in bed together without the need to make it awkward and assume sex is what you want. Just talking and maybe a massage and leave it at that and do that a few times.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. It is tough but I think some people just aren't into sex as much as others. Having three children isn't easy and sucks all the energy out of you so much so you forget who you are and what you like. I hope things get better for you x

Haven't read the other posts yet! But just wanted to ask if she has an orgasm when you had sex previously?

Read "mating in captivity " by Esther perel it's very interesting on this subject...

How is your relationship otherwise? Do you do things together? Have fun? Go out? Do you also have separate interests? Sometimes it's the dynamic that is off..

My partner had your problem in his last relationship and was the one making all the effort. He gave up waiting to see if she would, and spelled out quite clearly that if she wanted to sort it out she knew where he was, if she wasn't interested then that was fine but not to expect him to put up with not having sex.

After 3 years, she had said and did nothing. He came good on his word and found someone else. She flipped out. Honestly, what did she expect.

It's unfair to expect any partner to stay unhappily in a sexless relationship unless you are both on the same page. I expect this is far more common than people realise and what leads to a lot of affairs. The 'wronged' partner then kicks off big time but I honestly don't see what they could expect.

Do you know for sure that the sex you had was fulfilling her? Does she masturbate?

Lots to look at here. Is she getting enough rest and ‘me’ time? Are you helpful around the house. Do you touch her for reasons other than initiating sex? Do you tell her regularly you love her/are proud of her/you find her attractive? Do you only initiate at the end of the day when she is exhausted? When you were having sex was she fulfilled? Did she always get to orgasm at least once or did you stop or look bored once you had climaxed?

I think it’s fairly normal for sex to slow down when kids are young but not for it to stop all together. Some of it is about routine and it just never reaching high enough on the priority list. When mine were small I often felt touched out and husband was just one more person who needed something from me. Focussing for a bit on sex being mostly about her pleasure might help rather than it feeling like a means to an end with you just wanting her as a way to come.

What I will say is it is possible to reverse this. Whilst never sexless we have had spells of only dtd once a month or less when the kids were small. Now we have sex most days, send kinky memes and touch each other constantly. The question is mostly about whether the two of you actually want to fix it and that can only be done by a whole lot of communication and effort on both parts.

@sexboardsafename

It sounds like the lack of sex long predates kids. From what OP says, his wife went off sex two years into a 20 year relationship!

You're never going to have sex again.

Its been almost 4 years since you last had sex.

How many years does it have to be until the penny drops???

I remember some poor bloke on here once - it had been SEVEN YEARS since his wife had had sex with him and the pitiful creature was on here asking how to fix it as he still loved her dearly. Good Lord.

So is it going to be 3 more years of her promising a change that never comes?? Throwing more breadcrumbs that you gobble up with relief??

She doesn't even use a vibrator FFS! She doesn't even want sex with herself!

IT'S OVER.

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