feeling uncomfortable

[katey2020]

Hi I've been with my partner over 10 years we have 2 beautiful children together since I have gained alot of weight I haven't been really interesting in love or sex my weight has a big impact on my life my partner like me the way I am but I hate my self. I've lost 2 stone I were 18stone 9 and now I'm 17 stone. I love him but he doesn't think that we haven't slept together in 19 months our love life has died I can't get undressed in front of him or anything I hide my weight buy were bigger clothes. We kiss but not like we used to. What can I do he think I hate him but I've told him I dont feel comfortable with my body he's only 13 stone and he's 5.7 I like him the way he looks but he came to me this Moring saying he's put 6pounds on in a week I just laughted as he's not really been supportive with me trying my hardest to lose weight. Feel like our relationship is dead but dnt want it to Like that. Any ideas to get it back in track its been so long I don't know were to start

First, congratulations on your 2 stone weight loss - that's brilliant!

Although insensitive, I wonder if your partners comments about his few pounds weight gain are because he's feeling insecure? Perhaps he's worried that you're not attracted to him anymore?

Your post suggests that the disconnection you feel from him may go deeper than a (lack of) regular sex life?

You feel that he hasn't supported your weight loss / health journey, and (although I don't dismiss for a moment your lack of body confidence) do you feel that he finds you attractive? Does he tell you so? What aboutvice versa?

I just wonder if you've both lost the magic that comes from actively cherishing each other...If you can talk openly and peaceably with other, you might find your way back to intimacy in ways that you both find fulfilling and are both comfortable with.

Think back to when you first started your last relationship, all those little things that you both said and did which increased desire, made you feel wanted. Not to mention how you might be splitting household chores, stress you might be under...

Intimacy and cherishing each other are so entwined, perhaps if you felt greater emotional intimacy you might start to trust that you can enjoy being physically intimate with him again? After all, he clearly finds you attractive and you him. In your opinion, your current weight makes you unattractive; in his opinion, it doesn't.

Re being intimate- there is also more than 1 way to skin a cat!

I don't want to sound twee in saying that you should be proud of yourself, but you ought to be - if losing weight were easy there wouldn't be a multi-billion industry around it.

Final thought- attraction isn't just based on a physical whole , it can be the way someone smiles, they way their eyes light up when they talk of something they're passionate about, their intelligence or how sweet they are to stray animals etc! I'm sure there is a myriad of ways he finds you attractive that have nothing to do with a number on the scales - and you should recognise your own characteristics that make you uniquely and wonderfully you :)

I can't get undressed in front of him or anything I hide my weight buy were bigger clothes

This is so sad. I don't mean you're sad! But it's sad that you feel unable to be your whole self in front of him. You have 2 children! Was he at the births?

What size were you when you met him? Has he ever said anything derogatory about your size, or do you think he loves you for who you are?

I was feeling unconfident (body weight wise) after kids and our sex life took a nose dive.

But once smallest was at pre-school took up jogging, got a bit fitter.

Many things happened in our lives over past 18 months exercise took a back burner.

Over lockdown we had many chances to talk and it transpires that:
a) he is still attracted to me
b) he only really enjoys sex if I am enjoying it

So after talking and much soul searching we are back on track. Our sex life has perked up considerably and my confidence and pleasure is back. I am loving how closer we are in everyday life and the fun, flirty side of us is back.

My advice, tell him how you feel, try and get back in the sack to how you feel comfortable and enjoy yourselves again.

I had made this issue into a mountain in my mind, turns out it was a molehill. My only regret is we hadn't talked sooner, so much wasted sexy time, don't make the same mistake we did.

Thankyou for all kindness and help. Yes he still loves me and feel atravive he were at my first birth but not the second we didint have no one to look after our child as don't have family around or friends so we do everything our self never get abreak or night of from kids its really hard work I say he helps around the house alot and with kids.ive lost 2 stone in 2 months.ino it's bad that I cant dress in front of him I were 11stone wen got with him at 17 I'm now 27 so put alot of weight on. We don't talk much unless its about kids our children are 18 months and nearly5 so he just started school goes half days.I dont feel l wont sex because my body puts me of and wen we do try I can't get into it :/. He's called me fat a few times but not for a long time

You clearly have a lot on your plate day-to-day and that will say your libido too.
Sorry to read that he's called you fat in the past, I hope such comments are long-resigned to history, but if not - if he has a habit of being rude to you - then no wonder your self esteem is so low and I think it's something you should talk about with him. Your partner should have your back always, and vice versa.

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