In shock, am I over reacting?

[Motnight]

Ive been with my husband for over 20 years. He's a nice person, and gentle. We get on well.

Over the last few months I have been snoring quite a lot. I am due to see the doctor about it. Early this morning I was woken up by my husband kicking me hard to stop me snoring. It hurt. I told him this, he asked to see the bruise. I got out of bed and slept downstairs. Today he sees it as no big deal. He has never hit me or threatened me with violence. I can't quite believe that he deliberately hurt me and in the cold light of day thinks that it is ok. I don't know whether or not I am over or under reacting.

I get that your partner snoring is crap, he has snored a lot himself in the past. But to be kicked awake for it isn't right, is it?

I do kick or elbow my husband awake because he's such a heavy sleeper but I've never hurt him.

He should apologise for hurting you and just because a kick doesn't leave a bruise, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!

Hmmm.

I think in the middle of the night,being awoken by something, you can react in a way you normally wouldn't.
However, in the ' cold light of day', he should apologise

I have elbowed my dp before for snoring, it's very frustrating not being able to sleep.

It's not ok that he did it hard enough to hurt, and he should definitely apologise to you.

Maybe sleeping separately, even a couple of nights a week, would be an idea until you get this sorted out.

If he was very tired he may have been frustrated esp if your snoring has been going on for awhile. Of course violence is never okay but the shock of the kick may have hurt as much as anything else.

Maybe sleeping separately, even a couple of nights a week, would be an idea until you get this sorted out.

I think this ^^ is a really good idea.

Thanks for all your replies. It is difficult for either of us to sleep elsewhere as the spare bedroom is actually being used as his workspace. There is no room for a bed.

I think that it's the not apologising today that has upset me the most. He has refused to accept that if I said it hurt, it did. Too much like gaslighting for me to be happy with.

Did you have a name change fail there, OP?

My youngest daughter gets night terrors. She screams off and on throughout the night and it's frustrating to deal with especially as she starts kicking like crazy. I'd never ever hurt her no matter how tired I am.

I think your husband was out of line and should absolutely apologise. There is no excuse for hurting you. It doesn't matter how tired he is.

Whilst no excuse my guess he has reached the end of his tether. A snorer carries on sleeping, and wakes up refreshed. Someone who is continually disturbed doesn’t

Yes he should apologise, but you need to as well and agree that you will sleep downstairs, or between you sort the spare room and put a bed in there

If this is not the norm for him he was probably just startled and sleepy. Tell him how you want to be prompted

After months of interrupted sleep because of my husband snoring, I was close to smothering him, never mind kicking! He had probably tried everything else to get you to wake up and turn onto your side, and was just at the very end of his patience.
Yes, I honestly do think you are overreacting. Sleep deprivation does terrible things to people and you are the cause of that.

I think you're overreacting OP. You've been with him for 20 years, hes normally gentle and nice. Now you seem to believe that he has turned abusive overnight?

I’ve elbowed dh to get him to shift position and stop snoring. I think there’s a difference in trying my get someone asleep to move and trying to hurt them.

I don't mean this to be rude, but does your sleep differ with alcohol? Sometimes after a drink or several people snore more and are harder to wake

Snoring is unbearable, I have become quite frustrated by it in the past and have probably given DP a kick or two. Separate rooms?

I would not be ok with someone kicking me over an involuntary action. No fucking way.

Workspace or not make room to sleep seperate. Disturbed sleep over a long period is bad. My DH sometimes snores but also has medical issues which can result in him needing to pee a couple times during the night which disturbs me so we sleep separate at home (sometimes start out together for a bit of a cuddle etc)

He absolutely shouldn't have hurt you and absolutely should have apologised.

What I will say though is exdh snored heavily and it was truly brutal. I had horrific sleep deprivation especially when DC were babies because i would finally get to sleep after being up with them and exdh would wake me up. I used to just end up laying weeping in frustration. I will honestly count it on the list that led to our divorce (very much with other issues granted) because he wouldn't do anything about it at all.

However you dh needs to apologise for hurting you but this needs a discussion. You need to take it seriously when you see the doctor, partly because of the effect snoring will have on your health but also because it is sleep deprivation for the other person. Trust me after years of it , when exdh moved put one of the first positives i remember is the absolute relief when i went to bed that night.

However he should apologise and take ownership that he let's his frustration get the better of him and that is not acceptable

I frequently have to dig an elbow into DP’s side to get him to turn when he’s snoring after nudges and asking him to move don’t work.
I reckon he should apologise yes but your overreacting as it’s ridiculously frustrating to not be able to get passed the dozing stage as you keep getting woke up.

I don't think you're overreacting at all !

He woke you by kicking you painfully, and you deserve an apology !

I understand that he may have kicked you harder due to tiredness and frustration, but FFS, that doesn't make it right does it ??
And it doesn't mean he shouldn't apologize either !

I'd be getting rid of all his 'workroom' shit and getting a single bed. (I'd also be setting my alarm for 3am and going through to him and kicking him as hard as I could, and not bloody apologize for it either, cos apparently THAT'S OK !)

Just because someone is overtired/ frustrated, does NOT give them carte blanche to hit you ! If it did, every bloody parent I've ever known would've done it daily for the first 2-3 years ! But they didn't, because there's no excuse for violence/ abuse !

And all the PP's saying it's OK because he's been fine for 20 yrs ? Get real, it's not OK to hit someone ! There's NO ''excuse''.

Sleep is important but kicking you to the point it hurts is malicious and just plain mean. He reminds me of an ex, any type of movement when he was sleeping would result in a painful slap on the leg or something and he REFUSED to admit he was wrong to react that way. Every once in a while a small violent act like this would occur and he felt it was ok but would never treat his own children that way so I realized he had no respect for me at all.

I am your husband in this situation.
After 20 years of marriage, we now try to make sure that I go to bed first. If DH goes out, or has a beer, he sleeps on the couch.
If we have had a really bad time for a few consecutive nights, he sleeps on the couch.

I understand how people could be tempted to smother their partners.

YABU.
Sleep on the couch.

Since normal love, respect and the cold light of Day haven’t changed his mind about kicking you, I guess losing his ‘sacrosanct’ workspace might do it?

It’s a spare bedroom. Like, a room, with a bed, for when your normal bedmate is driving you spare. One of you is moving there. If it’s ‘his’ room, I guess it’ll be him. Plenty of furniture available online to quickly turn it into a versatile, two function room. Seems cheaper and easier than you dragging him to therapy (or the police) to discuss kicking a woman in her sleep?