I hate myself for lack of attraction..help

[BudeBudeBude]

I feel like I've nowhere to turn. Been married nearly four years and 38 years old. My wife is a great person, hard working, career driven, earns good money and is a good person. We've been together over a decade and she was my first real long term relationship.

But out relationships now strained because I feel no sexual chemistry and I'm not sure how much she does to me. We in counselling and it transpires that we both admitted we are sexually attracted to other people.

I just cant see a way out and it's my fault. I dont feel anything physical for my wife, but I love her from a sense of wanting to provide for her, look after her and generally speaking I enjoy spending time with her. We know what each other are thinking when it comes to day to things, but maybe in a deeper emotional and sexual level things have been absent for years.

She is trying really hard, showing me affection like cuddling me but I cant do similar back. It never leads to sex - since marriage we probably had sex less than ten times.

I feel it's all my fault, that I cant show affection and begin to try and get the relationship back on track. My counsellor in a single session asked what was the fantasy about other women about .. but I cant get to the bottom no matter how hard I try. I understand that I'm fantasizing about other women, but it's just that - fantasy not reality. But I cant work out why I'm no longer sexually attracted to my wife and its pushing me into a very dark place. Help. Any thoughts ?

I'm a female in the same boat. 8 years in. Love him. He's so sweet and I feel so safe with him. But sexually I feel nothing. Plus the conversations he wants to have bore me. I have had the tiniest bit of attention from another male and now my head's confused. I want to stay in my safe place in My box with my children and this kind man. But another part of me wants to laugh and talk with someone else and feel passion and sexual tension. I want to feel the excitement and the thrill again.

So on my opinion. You are bored. You obviously haven't found someone who rocks your world enough. I think over the years you can grow and change. Hence why so many people divorce etc. Eight years ago 23 year old me thought he was amazing. Which he was. Because he was so lovely. He wasn't one to play games. He's open. Affectionate. Loving. Fast forward 8 years and two kids and it's like we've become friends. He simply doesn't turn me on. It's horrible. I feel like a total git. But we are only human. It's not realistic to only have eyes for one person.

Also you care. You are here acknowledging you are frustrated. That's a good thing. A really good thing. You aren't out knocking everyone else off and lying. Your trying to unpick it.

Do you have kids?

No children. People I speak to keep saying that's for the best. Part of me feels it's worse. If we separate the there is no commonality that keeps us in contact. I've shared a lot of my life with her but I cant imagine never speaking to her again.

What is it she does that you don't feel attracted too?

There must be something? Do you like the way she is? Are you just curious about other people? Are you happy in yourself?

That's the thing, i dont know why I'm feeling this way and I've spent a year trying to unpick it and got nowhere.

I'm attracted to the life we have. The big house, nice holidays and companionship. But I just feel anything sexual. When she touches me I feel awkward and I hate it..i hate myself for feeling this way... so yes I'm not content with myself because of this. I have a good life, doing a job I love and enjoy myself.

I'm just curious with other people.. I understand that the fantasy isint a reality. But when the counsellor said 'what do you think you are fantasizing about with other people's then I cant answer it.

I know shes not attracted to me either, but she can seem to do the basics like hugging etc.

Well, just yesterday there was a thread, where to woman was similiar kind of relationship.
(Didn’t want sex, wanted to keep the lifestyle)

Everyone told her off and to set the poor man free.....
So, maybe same here.

It sounds like you are together for shallow reasons. I think you need to both talk about this again but really talk. It is what it is. You feel how you feel. You haven't got children so you have all this freedom to go out and go away etc. Literally this is one of the biggest reasons my relationship is struggling. We can't be a couple. No babysitters. No nothing. The fact you have the freedom to drink wine, go on dates, go for a weekend away and you don't feel that way about her shows this is real. It's not just young kids getting in the way of relationship time.

I think you have answered your own questions. As long as you are not depressed etc and mentally you are good then it's clearly time to seperate. The house etc isn't important. Seperate if you want other people. It sounds like you both feel the same.

My sil is a doctor. Her husband is doing a job full time too. They have the big house. I mean really big! The two dogs. They had a child through IVF. Three holidays abroad a year. Classic cars in the garage. From the outside they look like they have it all. But they don't. They don't go near eachother. He's a massive obese lazy selfish man. He goes to the pub all the time.he won't even take care of the child he really wanted. He won't do anything around the house.

They really should split. But he likes the luxury's and she's too exhausted with work and parenting to even acknowledge she deserves to be happy.

I think you are a decent bloke. You've tried. It's time to think seriously about the future and stop beating yourself up.

It sounds like you have a genuine love and affection for each other and a nice life, but it honestly doesn't sound like the relationship has any longevity to it if you've both admitted you're not attracted to one another. Life too short to spend it with someone you don't have that spark of attraction for. I've been with my dh 16+ years and while we might not be tearing each other's clothes off and having sex every day, there is still a strong attraction between us and we have a good sex life and enjoy being intimate (sexually and generally).

I don't really see the point of therapy and trying to figure out 'why' you both feel this way. If it was something obvious or something that could be fixed or changed then I think you'd know by now. I'd personally look to amicably split and if you can, remain friends because let's face it, that's what you are now anyway. You've both admitted being attracted to others so chances are you'd both find someone who you have that long term spark with and probably be much happier for it.

I know it's hard when on a lot of other levels you're happy and you genuinely think well of each other, but I think this is the kind of thing that will eat away at what you have and lead to unhappiness long term.

How long have you been together? Did you feel sexually attracted to her in the past? Did you have a good sex life with other women previously?
Sounds like you should accept that the marriage isn't working the way it should and probably let each other go

With no children involved, and as you think she feels the same, I think staying for a lifestyle will leave you both unhappy in the long run.

If you all are both attracted to other people can't you just call it a mutual fizzle and part ways?

No harm, no foul, just move on....

I know how this feeling tears you apart. I'm in the same situation. We have no intimacy whatsoever, it's just like living with an acquaintance, not even a friend to have a laugh with. We've got kids, a house, all the normal things, but inside I feel like screaming. I need more than this, but feel as if I am selfish (and he has reinforced this) by wanting to have a proper physical relationship. I'll never have it with him, and I don't want to, also he doesn't seem to want to either, so we rumble along. I'd say if you don't have children, move on. People should have the freedom to move on anyway, but since you don't have anyone depending on you, it's less complicated than it could be. Don't feel bad. People change. I hope you find a way to sort this out x

What about trying an open relationship?

I'll always remember a boss I had ten years ago. He had three children by three different women. He was married to the third childs mum. But he was still shagging the assistant manager from another store. I Always thought he was horrible for this. No respect for his wife/kids or past partner's.

One day he said to me he doesn't think people should only like one person/be with one person. I again couldn't understand this. But now I'm older I feel I kind of get it. I think it's hard to find someone that is genuinely kind, loving, faithful, fun and everything in the bedroom. My boss wanted to live in a constant cycle of sex and fun. He wanted the honeymoon period but got bored really fast.

My partner's loads of great things but there's a couple of snags (sex and conversation) has gone to shit now we are parents. It's funny how things change. It's hard to let yourself go with small kids in the house anyway. But I think especially this year due to lockdown couples have been forced to be together alot more. Which has made people irritated. Emotionally we are all under alot of stress. So I think many people are thinking oh fuck (sorry for the language) I'm really fed up and bored. Then you start to think about excitement away from your real life.

The thing is when you are with someone for several years you get comfortable. That's great in many ways. But it's natural and normal for people to look at others. Or dream about a different life. Or to think someone else will rock your world. I think there's more than one person out there for everyone. But we are supposed to stay loyal and true and have families etc. It's what we have been taught from being young. Affairs and cheating are life destroyers. But you can see why people do sometimes if they remain in long term unhappy relationships. That's why you've got to really think.

What is it about her that you are not sexually attracted too? Is it because you are not connecting with laughter, conversation and things? If you drank wine and snuggled up would you not feel like some tipsy sex? If a different women that you've "fantasized" about in your head was there now, what would turn you on? The newness? The fresh conversation? Her body? Are you in a fantasy world a little bit? No judgement but it's a real thing. Daydreaming and creating up scenarios in your head about other people is something people do. But it's an escape. Do you think that's why you are attracted to other women? Is it something you've designed in your head?

You have got to either end it now mutually on good terms if possible. Or youve got to try and have sex a couple of times this week and see if actually doing it makes you want more. Maybe you have forgotten how it feels? Do you like her body? Do you like the look of her down there. Not trying to sound creepy. But all women have the same but each to their own with grooming. If there's something you'd find sexier tell her. Nice underwear? Lubes? Nice nightwear.

If you really can't be arsed to "make love" to your wife in a child free marriage then I'd say you are just friends who need to have a heart to heart. I love my kids so much. But I miss being able to have sex without thinking is little Arthur going to wake up.

Anyway I've waffled on..but I think you already know the answer. A therapist can't alter your feelings. Only your body and mind can decide what it's attracted too. It doesn't make you a bad person. A heart never breaks even as the song goes. If only we could all have exactly who we wanted with exactly all the parts.

The best people to work it out is you and your wife and 100% honesty.

No kids??
Honestly, just move on
You both deserve better

Sadly this can and does happen. It does sound like you really do love and care for her, but it seems this has taken on a more friendly/sisterly vibe, sometimes there isn’t a reason, it just is, and there isn’t anything you can do to change it no matter how hard or long you try, that’s the common mistake a lot of people make.. that there MUST be a reason and sometimes it just is. It seems you have 2 options you both either decide to stay in your marriage and live a sexless existence, or you separate and allow yourself to be able to find someone that you really really do want

It all depends on what matters to you OP having a big house and a "lifestyle" or having an authentic romantic relationship where your sexual needs are met.

As far as I can see you're Resuscitate something that since the honeymoon period ended has been long gone.

**You're trying to resuscitate