Socialising with dd's bf's parents; what is normal?

[ravenmum]

I can admittedly be quite reserved and am wondering if I might be coming across as unfriendly in this situation.

My dd has been dating a nice young man for 4 years; they're 22. I have seen his mum once briefly when picking up my dd from the station, but otherwise there's no reason for us to bump into one another.

My exh, meanwhile, arranged a meal out with dd, bf and bf's parents, and they then arranged something similar in return, so they have met socially. So now, when bf's parents are having a party, my exh is invited along with dd and our ds. I'm not, obviously, as we don't know each other, and it would be weird of them to invite a divorced couple. But I still feel rather miffed that my cheating exh gets to play the socially welcomed family unit while I'm the odd one out.

Have I basically asked for this by not being friendlier? Do lots of people arrange meals with their child's bf's or gf's family? My exh started socialising with them when they'd only been together a year. Is that the normal, friendly thing to do? Am I unfriendly not to?

Personally no I wouldn't think it was normal of your exh to arrange a meal out with his grown up daughter's boyfriend's parents. Unless they all work in the same field or some other odd reason.

What I might suspect is that he enjoys this and likes the fact that you are excluded. Do you think this is possible?

Also, does your daughter mind that her dad goes to these parties? Sounds weird to me. Like he is crashing in.

When my DD was with her now ex-bf his parents were very sociable and invited us for meals and out to the pub etc. It was all a bit intense and when they broke up they never spoke to us again! They blamed my DD for the break up even though it was mutual. It was all a bit awkward as they live in the same town and we often bumped into them at the supermarket and had to skulk about pretending we hadn't seen each other. I would caution against it.

I was going to say is your exh networking with them ie do they work in similiar fields or have similiar hobbies or interests? If not it's a bit weird but not uncommon for a dubious person to enjoy new people as it means they can portray themselves as a totally new version of themselves to people who don't know any better. My DD now exes parents would have been really well suited to being friends with my exh for example as both the dads are money men with a side of sociopath.

I admit I presumed a teenage thing wouldn't last that long, so it would be awkward if we met up and then they split up! Feels a bit like I have missed the boat now he's been socialising so long.

They're not in the same field. Exh is very proud of how sociable he is; I'd say it's more to do with that. I am probably unreasonably annoyed as when we were married, he was always the more outgoing one and I couldn't actually get a word in so looked even more stand-offish than I am anyway 😬

Taking this situation in isolation, I don't actually think either you or your exH have done anything out of order here.

It does depend on the personalities involved. I don't think it's unusual for some parents to be occasionally social with the parents of their adult child's long-term partner, provided the young couple are there too on those social occasions. (My SIL's family, who are close and super-social, are like this. Mine, on the other hand, are not, and have only met my husband's parents once -- at our wedding.)

Likewise, if you've never really crossed paths with your daughter's boyfriend's parents, it doesn't sound abnormal for you to not be in their social circle. You can't change who you are, and if you're a person who engages in friendship in a more careful kind of way than the 'social butterfly' type, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. (This is the kind of person I am, too. I have a small number of friends, very close and deeply cherished ones. But I don't make friends easily at the outset.)

Are you perhaps feeling like, given that your daughter and her partner have been together for four years, that there's an onus on you to get to know his parents a little better? Is there perhaps a deepening commitment of some kind on the way? (As in engagement, moving in together, that kind of thing.)

My dd is actually just moving into a shared flat with three other students, so they are unlikely to start living together soon. They are currently on courses in different places - the bf wasn't actually at his parents' party 😂 - both doing international language/hospitality related subjects so lots of travelling to and fro.

Good to hear that I am not being obviously weird! I guess that if they do move in together I will make a move on his parents then 😂

I agree with NastyBlouse that neither you nor your ex have done anything wrong and either approach is normal.

You certainly haven't missed the boat if you want to change things.

My parents always invite my sisters MIL when we go out for a meal. She's lovely. But I wish it could just be us. We are all sharing a cottage before my sisters wedding. I'm dreading it!

It's weird that he goes and you're left out.
My DD has a fiance, his parents live on the same road as us, it's a really long road so I hadn't met them before DD and her DFiance got together.
However, we now socialise together and have become quite close, the father calls me by nickname and I return the compliment, nicknames are based on our real names, we have bbqs, drinks at the local, they pop round if they want something and knock and walk in.
I'm counting myself lucky as they are "my people" we are very similar, have the same views and lifestyle. Down to earth, hard working etc.

I think the invite in those circumstances is normal and in no way is it out of order to exclude you. He's made the effort to befriend them and you haven't. That's as simple as it can be.

I'd be more in your camp and wouldn't see it as a necessary or normal step to take to make that effort, but he did for some reason and they now see him as a friend.

I'd find the whole thing terribly awkward. I've been with my wife 15 years, married for 5, and our parents have met twice in that whole time (we all live in the same city). Once in the build up to the wedding so they wouldn't be meeting for the first time in the church and then the wedding itself.

I don’t know the right answer but I do know my ex’s parents (I was with him from being 17-22) were so so friendly, welcoming, and occasionally offered to have my (single) mum for Sunday dinner, said she’d be welcome at Christmas etc, would always ask after her, things like that. I’m an only child, and she doesn’t have loads of other family - I never pushed but she was always like ‘why do I need to meet them? Why would I want to?’ We lived in the same town so it wasn’t a huge journey for anyone.

For some reason known only to her, my mum was suspicious of them and was very clearly upset with me if I was round there too much. But they were such a warm happy family, and then I’d get home and she’d be sulky and passive aggressive - it only drove me to their house more. It was a really strange situation.

I didn’t expect her to be best friends with them but equally her mild hostility was upsetting for me too. I think there’s a balance to be struck.

DH and I have been married 18 years.

Our parents have been in the same place at the same time 3 times (pre-wedding meal, wedding, DD’s naming ceremony).

@Cloudsagain Sounds like she felt a bit insecure as having less to attract visitors or not being part of such a successful relationship?

I don't think I'd want to go to theirs at Christmas, if they did ever ask; would be afraid they were asking me out of charity and I'd be in the way!

(I should add that I am not in the UK, and at present they would actually be allowed to invite me :) )

Ooh no I’d not like to have to socialise with them, I’d meet them at the wedding. Or maybe shortly before.

As PP said, they are young and it’s not likely to last.

Mine and DH parents get on incredibly well. We often have family meals, spend Christmas together and the in laws like grandparents to my sisters kids. I hadnt realised that wasnt the norm.

Not common in my experience for parents of bf/gf to socialise unless they did before the kids got together if you see what I mean? I’ve seen that happen in my dads small hometown with my cousins “in-laws”. Breakups make this v awkward!

I’m like you tbh I wouldn’t be tempted to try to make friends instantly - if my dc got married and I liked their in-laws then maybe then I’d make friends, but not before!

I had an ex like your exh, so proud how social he was and how eeeeveryone liked him. So tiresome!

Mine and DH's parents never met until our wedding day, and haven't met each other since.

It suits us all just fine! I see my parents regularly (outside of COVID) and see the in-laws several times a week as they dog-sit for us. There's no need for us all to hang out together at all.

My dps have met dmil about 3 times

Wedding
Around birth of dd
At dfils funeral.

That tends to suit all here.

Well my dad comes for Christmas at the in laws, birthday meals out etc. He's even slept over at their house. Might be odd to some but I'm glad they get along.

My parents met up with my exh's parents a few times too, despite living in different countries - but only at and after the wedding. I'd expect to socialise with in-laws to some extent if and when dd or ds get married/have kids.
But when they'd only been gf and bf for a year, at 19, it felt too premature. I did have the bf round to visit by then, but asking his parents out would have felt to me as if I was officially declaring their relationship serious, or just butting in.

My parents didn't meet DH parents until about 6 weeks before our wedding. We'd been together about 7 years by that point.
Personally unless they were engaged or married I find it a bit odd they socialise together unless they mix in the same circuses/have a hobby in common/ just happened to really really hit it off and was likely to survive an inevitable break up. which let's face it at their age its more likely than not that they won't still be together into their 30s