Im 49 and was seeing a man from 2018 to Jan 2019. At first it was great although I realised he still had feelings for his ex whom he had split with. Although she asked him to leave and he said their feelings had become stale, I think she had problems with his drinking.
The first many months were great and I enjoyed it. I wasnt looking for anything too serious and we went out a lot together doing different things. I was introduced to his family and would meet his friends. He is 48. However his drinking was an issue in that he would get hammered frequently and his drunk talk dominated the conversation. Never aggressive but leary and could be argumentative with bar servers etc. Didnt remember anything the next day sort or thing. So I decided and told him I wouldnt be answering the phone if he called at night drunk and he told me he didnt blame me. He worked full time and was reliable and we got on so well.
Then I got sick with a long term condition around May last year. It was undiagnosed for months and in that time my ability to walk deteriorated and I was in severe pain. We still met up but I was in agony and a GP telling me it was anxiety and depression/muscle problems. We had a few arguments around this time. I drove to see him 20 miles for a pre arranged meal and he was clearly already drunk..Another time I had arranged to meet him and at this point I couldnt walk much but he stayed at the bar drinking while I waited in the car. But on the other hand when sober, kind, helpful, considerate, funny etc.
Then I was diagnosed with a v serious and life limiting illness. Treatment started straight away. He and I carried on for a while but because of the drinking I finished it. He said he was gutted and I tried to explain that the drinking and his personality in drink was draining me of so much energy I couldnt go on. He had also been banned from driving for the 2nd time.
We stayed friends. I was now having gruelling treatment and feeling rubbish. We would play quizes online together, chat on the phone etc. When lockdown started lifting, I would go over and have street chats with him etc. He would tell me I am beautiful even though I looked like shit. I was happy and comfortable with this friendship. We would text most days, always friendship type things.
His close relative died. He asked me to acompany him to the funeral and I said yes but then with restrictions, it wasnt possible. So he asked me to go to the reception. It was the day after my treatment and I was feeling quite ill but I went anyway and waited for him. After 45 mins he hadnt arrived and wasnt answering my calls and hadnt told me where he was. I felt upset and thoght I was being mugged off. I called him and said I was goi
ng home as I didnt know what was happening. He said he understood and then called me later v drunk to say I would have been his rock.
Treatment carried on for me and I was in a state of survival until about May time when some of the more harsh elements of the treatment came to an end. Life then started to improve, I felt better and was getting stronger. Still seeing him, chatting and having a laugh etc. Joined him in the pub but his behaviour was awful as he was drunk, saying provocative things about groups of people and I left.
I thought I was happy with this friendship. I could go and come as I liked, concentrate on my health etc.
Im still getting better and I feel now sooo much better and like I am waking up from a coma or something. Last week he and I were chatting on whattaspp and he told me he had met someone. Early days. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart dramatic as that is. I said I was pleased and he told me that our friendship means the world to him as im one of the nicest people he has ever met. He said he would always make time for me. That made me cry.
I havent been right since. Ive gone from hardly thinking about him to always thinking about him..Due to my illness I feel I am missing out on large bits of life and I have such great friends and family. I feel so confused yet I know I didnt want to be with him bec of his drinking and some behaviour but all I am now focusing on is how wonderful he is. I have limited my contact with him as I dont want to appear needy..I feel upset and emotional and fragile.
Im trying to process this. Any suggestions please?.