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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hurt and confused. WWYD?

10 replies

ReggieCat · 20/09/2020 10:55

Background - I've been with DH for 18 years. A couple of years before we met I had an accident that left me with a speech difficulties for a few months until physio, speech therapy and natural resolution got it back to normal. My mouth is still affected - pulled to one side like a Bells Palsy - and I'm always very self-conscious about this.

I thought I knew DH well. His mother had several disabling illnesses during the last few years of her life and out life centred pretty much on her needs. I have arthritis and he has always been less patient with my limitations but I'm an independent bugger and it's never really bothered me although there has been a bit of doubt about him because of this.

This morning we were talking about the corner shop I used before I moved to live with him. I mentioned that the whole family were lovely apart from one son who I had a problem with. he problem was that when his mates were in the shop, he'd take the p out of my speech difficulty and pretend he couldn't understand what I said. If I asked for a pint of milk, he'd smirk and hand me a can of peaches, for example.

I never got to the last bit of the story because 'DH' interrupted with 'That's pretty funny, isn't it?' When I said it was actually embarrassing and humiliating, he then said 'But you must see the funny side now when you look back at it'.

I can't speak to him right now and feel as though I've never really known him if he can react like this. If I speak now whatever I want to say will come out as 'I don't want you in my life if that's how you see things' All the hurt and humiliation I felt back then has come back and this time it's my own husband inflicting it.

I don't want to be with this stranger. Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/09/2020 11:00

Well for me - I'd bin him off. But if you've been married 18yrs and there are dc(?) then I'd try to explain how hurtful you found this.

Is he normally considerate of your feelings around your disability etc?

If he actually thinks it's OK to take the piss out of people for a disability then I'd struggle to be with him. I'd certainly never had sex with him again because that's a total fanny dryer.

GertrudeCB · 20/09/2020 11:01

You are not over reacting at all. I also have a physical disability and have had the piss taken out of me. Its disablist and humiliating.

user186428036428936 · 20/09/2020 11:03

I'd be really hurt by that. It's not funny, it's nasty.

Arrivederla · 20/09/2020 11:10

Oh God op. You must feel really hurt that he has responded like that - what an unfeeling idiot he is.

I would talk to him about it if I were you; if all your hurt and disappointment comes pouring out then good - he needs to hear it.

AnxMummy10 · 20/09/2020 11:32

That is really nasty. Basically saying your disability is a joke. I wouldnt want to be with someone like this because you know he will let you down. sorry op that really cruel of him.

widespreadpanic · 20/09/2020 11:47

He’s heartless and cruel. I could never unhear this.

billy1966 · 20/09/2020 11:53

Oh OP,

How awful.

I could never unhear that.

It would change forever how I view him.

So sorry.

Protect yourself.Flowers

SoulofanAggron · 20/09/2020 12:38

I don't see how he can find someone bullying you funny. Sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 20/09/2020 12:51

I would ask him WHY he's dong this, ReggieCat, you had this speech impediment for a long time and you'd had your accident before you met him even. It doesn't make sense for him to now be finding this amusing in any way.

If his default was always to be protective and caring of you... up until then I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how he makes you feel. My interpretation - which may well be wrong - is that he's taking his frustration about your disabilities out on you. That's unfair but perhaps in his mind, he's sticking by you and you're secure in that so a bit of venting/banting won't hurt you. He's absolutely wrong about that of course.

It isn't so easy to 'bin off' a marriage and I wish that posters wouldn't just lazily leap to that as a default when somebody posts.

ReggieCat you know that you can end your marriage if you want to, you don't need anybody's permission for that but I think you need to nip this insidious spite in the bud and let him know that yes, he can say it, but it makes you feel x, y, z, and what does he think about that?

I would be hurt and confused too. Thanks

InsomniaGreat · 20/09/2020 12:53

It's not acceptable.

I'm autistic and that does make for some genuinely amusing (so I'm told) encounters. My partner finds some of my 'faux pas' amusingly endearing. And sometimes I cam see it myself. My other autistic friends and I take the piss out of each other because it's how we deal with it. And, tbh, if I didn't, I'd cry.

But that's totally different to him being amused by someone else taking the piss. If my partner was amused by someone else's cruelty towards me, I'd see that as the end.

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