Divorce, bereavement, drinking and lost

[Ionlyhave2hands]

I found out around 20 months ago that my DH had cheated on me for around 8 years of our 10 year marriage. He slept with colleagues, randoms on nights out and prostitutes. A prolific user of private lapdancing. All outside of my knowledge, obviously. It all spirraled when I stumbled across a bank statement of his. He admitted everything after a huge deal of pushing on my part for 'the truth'.

I've not been able to handle the truth though. After procrastinating for a few months, I finally kicked him out.

I absolutely hate being a single parent. I struggle with the loss of what I thought was my future. I've got 3 DC, all under 10. They're lovely but hard work. I work 4 days a week, only just come out of this coronavirus hell, homeschooling them for 5/6 months.

I drink to try to block out the pain. I have some friends but don't confide in them. My family all live hours away from me. No one is around to keep an eye on me.

I met a guy online dating around a year ago in desperation to find some kind of happiness but he's seen through my facade and has finally finished with me last night on account of my mood swings (caused by drinking).

I feel hopeless and that I can never be happy again. I have always been a strong feminist and that largely fuelled my desire to ditch DH. Only misery could lie in that relationship - I'm able to acknowledge that.

I want someone to step into his shoes, live with me and lighten this horrible load. I know that's unfeasible and unhealthy.

I just feel like giving up today. I've hit rock bottom.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I know I need to eradicate drinking. But I struggle to face the vivid world. I dont drink every day but when I do, I go too far.

I'm so sorry you're going though this Ionlyhave2hands as you must be feeling so miserable. When you're at rock bottom you just cannot see a way out. Could you talk to your GP or AA? You obviously need a friend to help you get through this.

I hope things get better for you. You'll never find the answers to life's problems at the bottom of a glass so this is the first problem you must address. Stay strong OP. Try to make small plans each day and things will get better and don't beat yourself up too much if you fail.

Shamelessly bumping here as fear this will get lost.

hand hold from me to. Ex left for OW 5 years ago and fucked off leaving me to do everything for our DCs. I totally get the desire to lose yourself once they are in bed and wanting someone to just be there so its not ALWAYS you that has to deal with everything. It gets easier over time as you work out systems, accept that this is the way it is and set up routines that allow you to cope. I have gone through periods of knowing I am drinking too much - its my "grown up" time after a relentless day of tweenager converstaion and issues. I have to make my self not buy any, replace it with interesting soft drinks like flavoured tonic or ginger ale that feel like a treat and not just tea or coke that I've been drinking through the day. Try to do something other than TV in the evening, or knit, do a puzzle or something while you watch - keep your hands busy.

As to a new partner - I have one but are not and never will be a "step" family. He is good in a crisis and likes to offer practical help but day to day is up to me and over time I have come to realise I like this. Its my territory now and I get annoyed if he does try to "parent". Ex sees the kids EOW only and is peripheral to their lives. My mental state got a lot better once I accepted that is how it is but I spent a LOT of time silently raging at him as I dealt with a sick kid, mid-night waking or whatever.

Thank you Hugh

Sorry , it was Huge

Sometimes I catch myself laughing maniacally.

Is that normal too??

You can't wait for someone to come along and make everything in your world right. You can only start making steps to sort your emotional turmoil out. You have to stop the drinking as it's clearly out of control. Get some counselling on becoming emotionally self sufficient. Don't think about dating until you have sorted your own problems out.

Wild mood swings definitely normal. Personally I'm not a fan of counselling and therapy for what is a relatively 'common' experience. Its utterly shit to go through but there's a lot of help out there on websites, books etc and honestly, the thing that helps me most is just getting the fuck on with it. Keep the days busy with work and parenting and the hours of introspection short. If you get into a monologue in your head, change the subject.

Hand hold here. Does your ex do his share of childcare? Pay maintenance? If you’re doing lions share get that changed. Then you can start rebuilding your life. Start exercising and ditch the drink. You deserve a happy life. It’s not over for you. How about moving closer to family for support?

Bless you op. Can I ask what's keeping you from confiding in friends? Ultimately, its the isolation of feeling that you aren't understood by anyone in this lonely world, that can cause drink to feel like the only solution. Your friends don't have to physically come down and help you, although that would be nice - just having a single friend to hear you out and sympathize with you, may help.

In the meantime, I for one will hold your hand. It's so shit. When I left with my toddler there were days I lay in bed crying while said toddler played with duplo on the floor next to me. I lived on ice cream because I couldn't eat anything else. I felt I was staring into the void and it was so so hard. I relate so much to what you're describing. Xxxx

Try not to drink tonight.
Write on here instead.
Put on a YouTube yoga video and do some when kids in bed. Start finding the things that bring you some joy

Thank you everyone. My ex agreed to have the kids tonight to give me some space.

I've not drunk. I've gone to bed now to try and get rid of this cracking headache I've got after all the crying. I'll post again tomorrow. X

How often does he have them? Make him do 50/50. It’s not a favour to you. It’s his parenting duty. If you’re not getting every other weekend off then that needs to change. Big glass of water, warm bath, meditation music. Sleep xxxx

You're allowed to feel exhausted, overwhelmed and lonely. Those feelings are all normal. Let yourself grieve for what you have lost.

I think you know that alcohol is not the answer, so you do need to stop that. Your DC need you, and that means looking after yourself and them. Keep posting on here - it's a safe space to vent about feeling alone and sad and angry. You can get your feelings out and no-one will judge you.

In real life, find ways of distracting yourself that aren't alcohol. That way lies madness.

Obviously the drinking has to stop - but don't beat yourself up, you will succeed. Consider a course of anti depressants. I know a lot of people are against them, but they have lifted me out of a hole on a few occasions in my life. About 5 years back they lifted me enough to apply for a new job, which I got, and my whole life changed. I really don't think it would have happened without the edge of my depression being taken off by the anti-ds.

absolutely YES to expecting him to do 50/50. My ex just fucked off and assumed I'd do it all and I was too blind sided at the time to say anything. Looking back, I wish I'd been much much tougher and asked him how he planned to do the school run from 2 hours away. Him taking the children is not "helping you" or doing you a favour. He SHOULD have them 50% of the time.

Another hand hold here. You’re not alone. I found out my dp was having an affair in March. He wouldn’t/ could leave through lockdown and wants to try again.
I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago, so much going on and no one to talk to.
I know that I need to fix myself before I can fix anything else. Some days it’s so bloody hard though. Really bad days when I just want to run. I don’t want my dcs to see me like this.
I have very bad anxiety about work. I’m still working from home and have recently started making small changes to try and help.

Small changes, small steps. It’s ok to have bad days. I’ve been tempted to drink but instead turn to biscuits and chocolate- now I’ve got about 3 stone to try and lose!
I’ve been trying to do too much, to change everything all at once. But I need to work on a little bit at a time.

I’m not sure whether having DP here is the right thing or not. He knows there are no guarantees for us.

I hope tomorrow is better xx

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