Marriage on the line

[QueenM123]

Hi guys,

I’m a mum of 3 and I’m having a problem. my husband and I have been married for a few years now and our relationship is going great. We have so much love and respect for each other but over the last few months things are coming up.

Such as I have found my husband using a guy dating website. The first account I found and confronted him he said he was sorry and made it up to me. The next account I found he said it’s a spam. Funny enough there seemed to be a few conversations on the day I left home for the day.

After speaking to him and trying to solve everything and me clearing things out of his phone his done it again.

I found the same website searched again through site settings but the history is clear. I don’t want to leave him because I love him too much. I’m worried. Am I being paranoid? 😳

Please share your thoughts and advice.

Thank you 😊

Oh dear so sorry for this OP

How can he live a lie , despite your love for each other ?

Really sorry for you both , no advice but hug xx

Thank you 😊

That’s what I’m not understanding 😳

This cannot be solved by you talking to him or in particular you clearing out his phone. He actively looked for those sites and he was caught out by you hence his non apology. If you had not found it he would have carried on using this account. He saying sorry the first time was poor enough and the second time he called this spam; it was in no way spam. You are being used here by him as his "beard" and he will merely find other ways and means to deceive you as well as his own self. Love in these situations is simply not enough.

He has likely tried to deny his sexuality here by marrying you and is also lying to you. He is and has likely always felt sexually attracted to men.

You have a choice here re this man, your children do not and I would actually now look into ending this relationship.

You have a marriage but it is not a 'real marriage'. Divorce is expensive -but better, in my opinion, to be alone and happy or unhappy but know it is true and real.

You said "WE" as in "WE love each other" "WE have respect" -no - you might but he doesn't. There is no "WE"

Sorry to hear. What's a "guy website"? Is he bisexual or gay? As a PP said, don't think there's a "we" in your marriage anymore. I also don't think your deleting apps/messages etc is of any use. I guess you either choose to live with it, get counselling or move on.

I'd want to know more about his sexuality if it's gay sites that he is visiting.

His sexuality is a bit of a red herring here - the bottom line is, he's been signing up to dating/hookup websites with the intention of meeting people, for sex, outside your marriage.

If you agreed a monogamous commitment to each other, well its pretty clear he doesn't value it.

Do you have DC together? How long have you been with him?

Male point of view

I don't use site like that. That's because I dont want to find men to have sex with. It's that simple.
Some men who are guy or bisexual do hide hit. From others and also from themselves. They fight it but it doesn't change it. Maybe you will become best friends. He probably really does love you. He probably doesn't ever want to lose you. But he needs to admit to himself and you who he really is. It's the only way that you all will be happy.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
These a website and helpline for women who's husbands are. Lot and lots of support and advice in there. This happens far more than people think.
I wish you both and the luck and happiness going forward.

Thank you for your support. He does say he loves me and he does show it a lot. I’m scared to lose him as I think he feels the same.

I have tired asking him how he feels but he says who was just curious and it’s nothing to worry about. I want to believe him but I’m struggling 😞

Heterosexual guys are most unlikely to go looking at gay Male hook up sites out of curiosity only— especially multiple times— one would be enough

He's in complete denial and you're being used as a beard.

Talking about it isn't going to change his sexuality.

I have tired asking him how he feels but he says who was just curious and it’s nothing to worry about

Would you have believed that if he was on tinder, fab, etc?

If he was "curious" then the first step would be watching gay porn. If he's at the point of joining dating sites then he's way beyond curious territory and very much into the exploring phase.

The main issue is your husband is cheating on you. Even if he hasn't hooked up yet, he's being unfaithful. Secondly, your husband is gay. I'm sure it's a shock but you need to face the truth.

Get a solicitor and move on.

Thank you all for your support I know what I need to do.

Oh I feel for you. At the very least, he's been wondering what life would be like if he was in a relationship with a guy and has been looking at what's out there, and at worst, he's been planning to cheat or already has.

Just curious? If he was just curious, there are other ways of finding out about gay men than signing up to a dating app.

You're not being paranoid. He's either wants to have his cake & eat it, or he's not ready to admit to anyone what he really wants. Don't have sex with him again. You need to start thinking about how you can co-parent together.

A straight man wouldn’t be using this site. Sorry OP X