Should I ask how he thinks 2nd date went??

[Carebear5]

So I’ve connected with a guy and we went on our 2nd date. It’s been about three weeks that we’ve been dating. We appreciate each other’s intellect, both want marriage and are intentionally dating. We laugh, debate diff topics, and are learning about each other. The attraction is there, first date was OK...we broke the ice. We didn’t touch each other other than the good bye hug. ( could be partly due to COVID). Anyway, the attraction is still there after the first date. Between the 1st and 2nd date I’m not so certain he is as kind and gentlemanly as I souls prefer. 1) he didn’t plan the date all out...we set a day but he said he’s not sure what he wants to do because he’s trying to continue eating healthy. I suggest a park. Well we don’t meet up until 8pm after work so it’s pitch black ( there are other ppl there b/c it’s a popular park to watch the planes land or just be by the water.). We quickly leave there and go to a sports bar - we are relaxed but still haven’t touched each other. We discuss relationships and he tells me that all men are cheaters 😳...then he tries to fix it by saying he is the exception. He states this after I mention that I believe I’m single because I chose toxic men, but there are healthy avail men and I’m ready for that type relationship. Fast forward. We end the date with a hug and he text that if he gets a 3rd date we should kiss on sight! I’m a bit thrown by this b/c we have barely touched each other. Anyway, my question is should I be open to a third date and see how it goes, should I first engage him and ask how HE thinks our 2nd date went or should i give him the boot because he may not be the kind man that I’m looking for...

You tell him you date toxic men and he says all men are cheaters? On a second date?

Blimey. I'd move on personally. And stop talking about toxic exes on the second date.

I think if you like him you should be open to a third date. He could easily be nervous and also cautious about covid and that is why he's held back. It takes at least 3/4 dates for someone's nerves to settle and for you to start to see the real person imho.

If he's already mentioned the word 3rd date it means he'd be interested in meeting again. I don't see why you need to ask him the date went, specifically, what are you looking for?

I unsure if he is someone I want to date..don’t want to continue choosing men whose values aren’t aligned with mine so I would like to discuss my concerns 1) the plans for the date we’re flimsy, and 2) I have concerns about his values since he believes all men cheat. Either I bring it up or wait to see how our conversations go between now and the third date.

Point taken about the exes. We are both 41, single And wondered what challenges we both faced that lead us to be single. We both acknowledged we were choosing ppl whose values weren’t aligned with ours and expecting different behavior. It naturally came up on the flow of the conversation

He sounds like a dick with his comments but why was his fault the plans were flimsy?

His plans were flimsy b/c he asked me out, we set a day we were avail but he wasn’t certain what we’d do up to the day prior which is why i suggested the park as an option.

@Carebear5 the first few dates should be light-hearted, not getting into negatives like ex's and cheating to that extent. That sets quite a negative tone before the relationship has got off the ground. If I were you I'd stick to topics where you can enjoy the conversation and find out about each other's preferences, likes and dislikes, and avoid contentious issues.

Try to keep it positive and if he continues with the lazy generalisations like "all men are cheats" (I mean it's pointless even responding to rubbish like that) I'd move on, as he sounds like he's sabotaging the relationship before it's begun, which is daft.

OP, do you think that we get to know people by their words or actions? Yes, he gave something away when he said all men are cheaters. But I think you are putting too much weight on what he says and what you think he'll say in discussions. He could tell you that your values are aligned, but does that mean they are? No. People reveal themselves over time.
You aren't seeing him often. 2 shorts dates in 3 weeks. It will take a long time to get to know each other.

@daisychain01 Agreed. It’s been a couple years since I’ve dated. Hearing others opinions helps to give the situation perspective. I agree the comment and actually other comments made seem to sabotage the relationship before it’s began.

His comments that all men cheat except him would concern me. If he's already making you unsure then I wouldn't meet up with him again. Doesn't sound like a particularly good egg to me

If you aren't sure, move on.

@DianaT1969 agreed. Dating during the week is tough for me due to my work schedule and exhaustion. Ideally, I’d see dates more often, but it’s challenging.

It’s fine for you to make suggestions for what you’d like to do for a date - then the plans won’t be flimsy! He might just be more relaxed about planning things in advance. I think you need to clarify if he’s dating anyone else given his cheaters comment!

Can I tentatively suggest more listening and less talking? People like to talk about themselves, and the more they talk the more they will reveal who they are. If you tell them about yourself, they will naturally tailor their responses and it just takes longer to see the real person.
It’s a bit like a CIA agent building rapport with an asset - you want to learn everything about them but reveal a minimum about yourself [light hearted]

I’d be moving on after the cheater remark. That would ping my shark cage.

@thelegohooverer that is awesome dating advice

I would definitely ask for clarification next time on the 'all men' statement. It will surely open up an interesting discussion at the very least. You'll be able to tell A LOT about him from what he says. Did he cheat in the past? Does he regret it? Or was it just it observation but he doesn't personally agree with cheating or do it himself?

Tbh I find your post very confusing?
You start off singing his praises and then it starts to spiral.
How can you be 'dating' when you have only had 2 dates? Then you go on to wonder about a third?
I think you are over analyzing, just go with the flow at this stage.

I think you are over analysing...maybe you don’t actually like him that much? If you did it might be easier to go with the flow.

And ya as above don’t talk about exes on your first dates! That’s weird! But he is also weird for saying all men cheat.

Also discussing the second date to decide on a third is a little heavy. If you need to discuss it with him then maybe just don’t do it? The “we must kiss on sight” thing would really freak me out

Good grief, if you talk to him about the "all men cheat" belief, he'll just repeat the "except him" line.

But you know and we know that's a lot of bullcrap. Why give him the opportunity to push that pill - and why are you hoping he's going to? So you can act all surprised and betrayed when he demonstrates it's bullcrap? Basically it's a "please lie to me" conversation you're wanting to have.

Cut out the middle part. He seemed nice initially, but he's not really.

You sound a bit intense.