Help! I feel I'm losing myself & my marriage

[KsMumma]

Advice needed! I feel like I am losing myself & my marriage. My maternity ended in June and since then I have been working from home in a new role within my company. My husband works from home as well and we are in a small flat, so share a workspace. I feel that we no longer have anything to talk about aside from our son as when ever anything happens work related we are both there and neither of us have any other social contacts. When it comes to our son, it is 100% left to me to organise (my husband will do things but only if I EXPLICITLY tell him to - ie I need to tell him what to give him for breakfast & it’s pretty much always weetabix!). I have completely lost myself, I feel I am purely mum & wife and, in the hierarchy of home I’m alway last. My husbands needs and wants come first then my son then me and I do not know what to do. I try talking to my husband & all I get is “I don’t see why it’s a big deal”. Sorry for the rant but if anyone can offer any advice I would really appreciate it - I feel so down.

These are strange times and of course you are going to feel stifled in a small flat with no other social interaction. Do you have friends and family nearby ? If not, you need to join things and establish a social life . I started volunteering in lockdown and learning a language. Develop some interests and Talk to your husband again and explain how you are feeling X

Thank you. No I do not have family near by and as much as I would love to volunteer I do not see how I can while caring for my son (he's 14 months) & work

This is really, really common after your first child. People don’t realise what a huge nuclear bomb having a child throws into your life and relationship. Everything has changed for you and no quite so much for your partner. You sound just like me and my husband were 6 years ago - although you have the added issue of this horrid year we are having and you can’t even “escape” being a mum in the office because of having to work from home. I understand completely the feeling of loosing yourself. My husband does fuck all as well and if he does I have to give Him explicit advice - despite the fact that he can manage to run a pretty large business without any advice on a day to day basis 😒.
Advice for you- make it clear to him that, for you, at the moment, your son comes first as he is so young. It is not your job to make your husband happy, especially as he is not upholding his end of the bargain by helping you. Devise a rota of jobs - for example if he isn’t going to help with the baby then he needs to cook, food shop and clean. Or he can pay for a cleaner (my lazy DH took this option - fine by me!). If that isn’t helping consider Relate - they are very good.
I don’t want to rush to say “leave the bastard” and all that as since you have a child I do think you have to try to make things work. However, I had the chance to LTB when my first child was 18mths and I regret not leaving now. We chose to make it work after some counselling etc and things were good for a while in a new house etc. However we now have 2 children, I don’t work, he earns a good income and now I feel very trapped. My kids are old enough to feel the loss if we did split (and they would feel it deeply, my eldest especially) whereas as a young toddler he wouldn’t have been very aware and would have got used to the new dynamic.

Also.... as a mum you will always come last now, especially when they are young. It’s a hard thing to accept, I know. It does get better as they get older.

"My husbands needs and wants come first then my son then me"

I think your son should come first and not your husband, sorry. I hope things improve for you soon.

Of course your dh thinks it's not a big deal, he's getting all the consideration.

Dc comes first, and then it's equal rights. Stop treating your dh like he's the most important in the family.

Thanks ladies. Just to clarify when I say husbands needs come first I meant in his view as he knows I will always put my son first. I.e. DH says he will wake up with DS in the morning. Morning comes DH decides not to get up as he's tired knowing full well I will. I'm ill but DH wants to play computer games all day to "unwind"? That's what happens as he knows, regardless of how I feel I'll drop what I'm doing to look after DS

Then it's time to have a Come to Jesus conversation where he starts pulling his weight and stops being a selfish lazy bastard, or you walk.

What is the very point of your DH here?. This life suits him and he is not going to readily forego computer game time for you people.

Would you want your son to grow up with such a male example for a father, a man who thinks that women are there to serve him. He regards the childcare and housework as your sole role because you are female.

“Then it's time to have a Come to Jesus conversation where he starts pulling his weight and stops being a selfish lazy bastard, or you walk.”

This.

So you are married to a waster OP.

That is a huge part of why you feel awful.

And you have had a child with him.

Sort your contraception out for one.

But I doubt you are anxious to be intimate with your husband when he is so selfish.

Tell him to buck up or make a plan to do it alone.

This is who he is.