Feel so low and ashamed

[Loryn]

Trigger warning mentions conversations about rape.
Not really sure what I want from writing this but I cant bring myself to tell anyone irl.
Staying at a hotel with a man that ive been seeing, we were drinking, all going well until the conversation took a turn.
Cant remember all the ins and outs or how we even go onto it but I said I didnt think rape jokes are funny, ever.
I think he was defending from a freedom of speech position, maybe fine but not really the time or the place but we had been drinking and we both do usually enjoy having a debate.
Then he called me a potential rape victim.
I got up to get away from him and he said what about men, men get raped too.
I stayed in the bathroom for a while, crying and wondering what to do.
My car was parked in the carpark and I couldnt drive home.
I came out and he apologised.
I asked him if he or his brother or best friend have been raped and maybe thats the difference why he can think its funny and I cant.
I think he thought I was disclosing to him that it had happened to me, which I feel guilty about as if ive lied to make a point, I've not been raped but other more nuanced things have happened that I won't go into details of now and certainly was not about to share with him there and then.
He said sorry I didn't know, I just said you dont need to know.
Im ashamed that I stayed there and pretended that everything was normal in the morning.
I should have got an uber and left him there.
We haven't really spoken since, I dont want a confrontation about it but I cant stop thinking about it and wondering what the hell is wrong with him and also me.
Not really sure what anyone will be able to advise but it going round in my head is draining me making me feel so bad I think I just needed to tell someone.
Obviously I wont be seeing him again.

It's a MASSIVE red flag OP. My ex was like this ideologically and I wished I'd ditched him just for his anti-feminist sentiments, as he turned out to be sexually exploitative, manipulative and coercive.

Just block him on everything. Send him a message saying why, if you'd find that cathartic, then block immediately. Or just block.

Then he called me a potential rape victim.

This is such a bizarre and incredibly creepy thing to say.

You didn't act wrongly, you acted how you had to to get through a potentially highly dangerous situation. xxx

Thank you.
Some of the time I wonder if I'm over reacting, but I know I'm not.
I wasn't scared at the time, I've never felt like he would ever physically hurt me but actually in hind sight maybe I should have been.
It is such a disgusting thing to say to someone.
I guess I need to forgive myself for not doing exactly the right thing at the time but I'm angry at myself and ashamed.
I cant repeat those words to anyone else not even my sister to tell her about it.
I just cant bring myself to do it.

Don't feel ashamed for not leaving immediately.

1. As women we are trained to NOT criticise, to not disagree, to not feel able to say "you know what, yeah you paid for the room but now I realise you're a horrible arse, I'm out of here."
2. He referred to you as "a potential rape victim". Besides being an obviously awful thing to say (compounded by him then doing whataboutery rather than saying shit I shouldn't have said that) - it is an incredibly threatening thing to say to someone. I mean to me that would basically say "I could rape you anytime I wanted".

Don't be down on yourself for not having opened his eyes to his own privilege. Many people are so invested in their privilege that they will just ignore all arguments to point it out to them.

IME people with attitudes like this (and that includes some women) will not change their attitude until sexual violence affects them directly.

Because survivors of sexual violence tend not to talk about it, many men have no idea how common it is for women to be assaulted. I remember talking to my ex and he was flabbergasted that I'd been serially assaulted by an abuser, and multiple rapes by another. He said "I don't know anyone who's been raped." I asked him how many women he knew more than in passing, eg colleagues, family members. He said at least 100. I said "well then statistically you know at least 10 rape survivors, probably much more. But you don't know because no survivor just drops into conversation 'oh hey, how you doing, BTW I got raped.'"

You've done nothing wrong here OP. I'm glad you're not going to see this prick again. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and there are many guys out there who are far more awake to their own privilege and the daily burden of risk assessment that we have to deal with as women.

Not at all taking away from how you felt - you were there and YOU know what context it all fell in and whether it felt like he was telling you that you'd be more likely to be a victim of rape than others but :

I just wonder if he is thick and thought 'potential' meant 'imaginary' or something.

It's still horrible regardless and he sounds like he needs to be avoided at all costs.

These aren't discussions you want when alone with a man (who'd be considerably stronger than you) in a hotel room or anywhere for that matter.

Have nothing to do with him ever again. Xx

I only say the above to help make you feel better and maybe explain away his awful quote btw. No one is a typical rape victim. Any woman, ranging from child to elderly is equally vulnerable. You would have done nothing to make you a potential rape victim. Disgusting.

I'm thinking about this too much now.

We're all potential rape victims, aren't we?

We all have the capacity to be in the wrong place at the wrong time with a rapist.

It's a known crime like murder or just a soft theft.

If he was insinuating that you were a 'potential victim' by virtue of how you look or how you dress then thats different. And maybe he didnt even need to insinuate it. If you are a good looking woman, then he wouldn't even explain himself away. And that's the problem with society. You don't need to be wearing a short skirt to be 'asking for it'. You can 'ask for it' in so many different ways according to men. Speech, humour, dress etc.

Unless they've suffered abuse as a child, I think it's hard for unimaginative men to imagine what it could be like to know that almost any date, acquaintance or passer-by of the other sex would be able to overpower you and do awful things to you, without you being able to stop them. Even intelligent, thoughtful men I have met have on occasion needed to have "side effects" of that fact pointed out to them. I would guess/hope that this idiot did not begin to realise how threatening that comment was.

The subject is hard enough to argue about even when you haven't had a couple of drinks. And we've all had the experience of someone coming up with such a bogus argument or comment that we've only thought of how to respond to it the next day/week/ten years later. And when threatened, the "freeze" response is very common, and makes a lot of sense - acting as if things are normal so as not to provoke the other person further, until you can safely escape.

I think your response may in fact have been such that (if he has any brains) he might have thought it over later and realised he was out of order, even if he doesn't fully get why. You did stand up for yourself, even if you felt unable to react more extremely.

He's certainly not thick he's highly educated and knows the meaning of the word potential.
Emotional intellegence maybe not so much.
I dont really understand what he meant or what his intention was but those words have really hurt me and I cant stop thinking about it.
I feel disgusted by the whole thing and mostly that I stayed there and slept in the same bed as him after.
We had contact afterwards to sort out a practical matter that was already on going but thats done now so ive got no reason to speak to him ever again.
Sometimes I feel like telling him how wrong and sick he is but any interaction will make me feel worse and wont change his warped ideas so not really any point.

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP. Sounds like your survival instincts kicked in and you kept him sweet until you could get away. I think you've done amazingly well. You stood your ground, expressed how you felt and decided to finish the relationship.

I echo the above OP.

You did what most of us would do. Freeze, play safe then get out when you could.

You're safe now. That's not because of anything YOU did btw. All you did was not antagonise. If he wanted to rape you, he'd have gone ahead (assuming you don't have ninga moves - wish I did.) You have no control of a rapist. The definition is non consent.

Your emotional pain is just as valid here.

It's quite possible that you didn't know that you felt physically unsafe. Our brains can dissociate those feelings so our actions feel confused because we don't have all the information available to us at the time (or sometimes after). You did what you thought was best at the time and I know from having these kinds of discussions that they can really bring out feelings of helplessness, frustration and despair. I think I would have made exactly the same choices as you (I did in a slightly different situation). I think your actions were rational and a lot of people would understand why you made them.

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses, it has helped to get it out and for other people to tell me I'm not overreacting.
I didnt feel physically unsafe at the time, just a strong sense that I wanted to get away but then it just felt easier to stay than make a big scene, pay for a taxi and have to come back for my car.
In hindsight it might have been unsafe to have done that.
I don't know what he would have done, he's obviously got some quite sick ideas I didn't know about.
Ive known him for quite a while and I've never felt threatened or unsafe around him before but I know I would now.
I think he's realised or taken the hint because I haven't heard from him so that makes it easier.

I managed to tell a friend last night.
I think thats helped, she was really kind to me and disgusted by what he'd said.
Still feeling generally quite low and anxious.
Im upset that its had to end so badly.
Guess I just need to pull myself together now and try to forget it.