Normal gumf - nc so not linked to previous posts..
I will apologise now for the long post.. i don't want to drip feed, and it is a bit of a muddle in my head at the moment, but I'll do my best.
From the start...
Met 'D'P at work - he was in a long term relationship but it was rocky etc. They have 2 kids together.
Nothing happened between us until well after they split.
All good first year, covered a lot of long term conversations, where we were aiming with life etc, likes, dislikes, wants.
There was an awful lot of stress thanks to cnts at work, but we overcame it and stayed strong. (perhaps as we had stayed together through all the shit, it made me/us fight through what should have been red flags later on...)
I ended up doing a uni course through work (1year, diploma, no bsc whatnot), and he wasn't overly happy with this as it is a higher qualification than he has, to do the same job, and distinctly remember him saying that he didn't know if he could wake up in the morning next to me, knowing what i was getting that he wasn't. (Work said that as he is already registered -hcpc- that he is qualified and doesn't require a top up.) Truth be told I'd rather have done the course he did, as it was all relevant to the job rather than dipping into irrelevant things, and required a higher pass mark than the uni does.
I think out of 6 proper holidays/weekends abroad (excluding a fee just overnight stays), we’ve had maybe..2 without argument or disagreements? The main ones that come to mind are when we went to Amsterdam he got the biggest strop in the world because he received constructive feedback on a draft essay for his mentoring course... and the most recent was his birthday trip where he got irritated by me (yes probably was a bit out of it thanks to a few drinks and was probably annoying).. he then refused to hold my hand or anything even close because (and i quote) “it’s like with a dog - you don’t reward bad behaviour by doing something it wants”
I think for me that was the major turn. This year hasn’t been the same since (we were away in January).
End of last year, he fucked me over on a project he was doing - was meant to be a joint venture, something for me to add to my portfolio and something to get him some money-nothing seedy). Rather than discussing it with me and that he would rather it be done sooner, or even discuss it with me..I found out when we were round his parents..and he proudly told them that he had put down the deposit on it all with a completion date for 3 months ahead.
Admittedly he did turn around after a chat at home and understand why i was annoyed..
Next up.. sex.
First 6 months it was daily, maybe even more than once. He frequently made a point (unprompted) of saying how much he loved it everyday, so different to every other relationship, and he never wanted it less. Of course, over time it did get less, but still mostly daily.. maximum every other day.
It was mentioned that it was a bit routine, so tried mixing it up a bit, as you do.
He had a period on anti depressants, and had issues finishing and with dulled sensation - we found work arounds etc which made it as close to normal for him as possible.
Then it gradually dwindled.. and unfortunately due to a lot of past issues I hate confrontation - I’ll hold my hands up and saying PA signs of displeasure were not the way forwards..
But at the same time - i wanted to be wanted. I wanted him to instigate it, him to start things off, because he wanted to.
He always came back with saying that if i want sex, he will give it to me, and didn’t get the difference.
Also, flipside - whilst with his ex, where they had minimal sex, he used to sext/message photos with multiple girls, but nothing physical.
So onto the issue today.
Sex has been almost non existent recently, which while within normal parameters for most people is certainly not for us.
So, suspicious after chatting to a couple of friends..... i had a good opportunity to check his phone this morning while he was showering.
Nothing really to note......until I looked at deleted photos. There were some with 16days left before permanent deletion, so on an iPhone i guess they were deleted 13 days ago?
They were dick pics, in work trousers, boxers and nude.
I checked all our message threads.. going back months... and they weren’t sent to me.
Up to old tricks i guess. I haven't broken down about it yet - nearly have twice. Seeing a work friend tomorrow and will hash it out then...
I have been feeling probably since the end of last year...that it wasn’t a forever thing anymore (despite discussing marriage, kids, all sorts) but i have sought counselling and meds to check it wasn’t me (history of self sabotaging in relationships).
I had given the relationship until December to have improved, or moved forwards.. guess we won’t be making it that far.
In terms of us, we bought a house together last year, not married, no kids (other than a good relationship with his with his ex). So not as complicated as it could have been (he’s had an engagement ring for over 2 years now).
Thoughts please? Help? Any advice on how to proceed?