We want to move 90mins away, Mum wants to come, Dad doesn't. HELP!!

[Rhiannon]

We are thinking of moving to Kent which is 90 mins from here. My Mum is dead keen and wishes she had "another life" so she has more time to live there. My Dad says he won't be moving.

The problem is my parents are married! They have been since 1955 but I have known for 18 years that my Mum has wanted to leave.

The other problem is my Dad has emphysema which is a lung wasting condition.

So the question is do we wait for my Dad to die before moving? This sounds so morbid.

Do we move hoping he'll change his mind and come too?

Do we move and take my Mum and leave him here?

Do we compromise and move locally?

Constructive comments please! R

My Mum has wanted to leave my Dad for years. She's never been brave enough to do it. Nothing is in her name, she just gets housekeeping and all the money is controlled by my Dad. He has said things like he'll fight her in court till there's no money left!

I have suggested that they both come to Kent, at some point my Dad will no longer be able to get upstairs and they have no downstairs bathroom so a decision will need to be made sometime.

He says he'd rather stay here "not long left" with his fishing mates and the bookmakers and an area he knows.

Sorry previous message was supposed to say they have been married since 1955. R

I feel the most sorry for your mum. Therefore, I would do what three people want - move now - and leave the fourth stewing in his own juice. No offence to your dad, but he sounds like a real piece of work as far as your poor mum's concerned. Take her with you and help her start a new life. IMO it's unkind and counterproductive to wait for people to die before acting. My granfather had emphysema and lived a reasonably long life.

Still feeling a bit thick - they don't live with you (as in, in the same house) at the moment? Would you be anticipating their moving in to the same house as you in Kent? Would you be anticipating that if you moved, your mum would want to sell up and buy her /their own place in Kent? Speaking from the view of someone with horribly difficult parents embroiled in a horribly difficult situation between themselves I would do what is needed for my own little family unit (dh, ds and ds-to-be) and let your parents decide between them. As said before, 90 mins if they are not dependent, is a manageable distance for w-end visits and could give your mum a reason not to be in her home each weekend if she's off seeing you and grandchildren.

No they don't live with us but I have asked them to come too as there is no immediate famiy around apart from my brother who is 20 miles north. All aunts and uncles and cousins live in other parts of the country.

I presume they would buy a house near to us if that's what was wanted. It's a difficult situation and quite unbelievable but they live under the same roof, don't talk but Mum cooks and cleans for him and he gives her housekeeping money. R

Rhiannon, the fact that nothing is in her name doesn't mean she isn't entitled to half of it, and I'd like to know on what grounds he thinks he could fight her for it.

If she really wants to leave him and would like to set up on her own I think she should talk to a solicitor about her position and legal rights.

Agree with Droile that you shouldn't wait for him to die! If she wants to go and he wants to stay and they don't like each other much it sounds like the ideal opportunity. Is their house worth enough that half each would buy each of them a little place?

I would definitely say go Rhiannon. Your parents situation isn't going to be resolved by your not taking this opportunity. Agree that your Dad will be on a bit of a sticky wicket trying to deny the woman he is had been married to for 47 years half of everything. But are you sure that your Mum really does deep down want to leave him?

I hope I haven't confused you with someone else but don't I remember reading on another thread that you don't get on all that well with your Mum?

My parents have just moved house after my father stated for years that he was not prepared to move. He is 85 yrs old, my mother will be 70 this year. He said he would leave the house 'in a box'. Despite also having a severe lung problem needing nebulised 4 times a day he is now glad he moved. My mum got firm and told him he had to consider her feelings and go. Despite being infirm he looks as though he is going to last forever. If your dad does not want to go then leave him!

Bozza, LOL! Love the way you put that post! I don't want to be flippant Rhiannon and respect this thread is serious, but the thought of your dad thinking he could leave your mum penniless after all those years of marriage really is priceless.
Hope you come to a comfortable decision soon.

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bozza, you're right I was the originator of the miserable mother thread!

I have a very old fashioned family, nothing is talked about. My parents oldest neighbours, (they have both lived in the same road for 35 years) have just put their house on the market. I said to my Dad "perhaps that will give you the push to do the same". He replied that he wasn't going anywhere.

I really think that perhaps we should do what we want and if my Dad really wants to stay so he can go to his bookmakers then that's up to him.

I would like my Mum to come, I know she loves the countryside and I would like to see her happy.

Rhiannon, will your children have a better quality of life where you want to move to? If so, then you should definitely go. Your mum might decide to move with you but if she decides to stay with your dad then that's her choice. Perhaps if your mum comes to stay with you and has a lovely time that might make her change her mind. I know that parents are a worry but 90 mins isn't far. Best of luck!

If moving is what you and your family want, Rhiannon, then I would go for it. If you could stretch to buying a house with somewhere for your mum that would be great, or maybe you can check out what your mum might be able to afford in the area you're considering.

If your mum is serious about leaving then I'm another who feels pretty sure that she would get at least some sort of settlement. I'd caution waiting for your dad to die, emphysema isn't necessarily an immediate death sentence. You might also find that if the situation is presented to your dad as a fait accompli then he'll just give up the fight and meekly follow in your footsteps - if that is what you/your mum want.

Good luck with all the decisions.

SueDonim, my Mum did actually say that if she found somewhere she wanted, he might agree.

I did say the other night to leave it for six months after we move in just in case we hate it and want to go back!

I think the children would definitely have a better quality of life and so would we. We could go to the coast as it will be only 20 miles away and visit France frequently. We could buy somewhere with a much bigger garden. I'd also like to learn to ride but have never had the opportunity before.

We also intend to put our son back into state education and have targetted areas with schools with good results. I know results aren't the be all and end all but it's the only thing we have to go on.

2 of the 3 state secondary schools in this area are failing badly. The local secondary school has astonishingly good results it is a state school but is selective so obviously not everyone will get in so we can only try.

Rhiannon, we moved about the same distance away from our families to the countryside and have never regretted it for a moment. I'm even happier now that we have dd - there's a real sense of community here and all her godparents live in our village. And as you say there are so many things that you all can do, such as riding, long walks, days out etc. I'd say go for it! Best of luck.

rhiannon
if you go, your mum will be able to come and stay with you for a week or so at a time. Maybe missing his home comforts will give your dad a few thoughts about moving!