Regretting!!!!

[blueberry05]

Hi, long time lurker first time poster! I am 25 and recently ended a 6 year relationship. I just felt the spark had gone, we hadn't had sex in a while and I was starting to wonder what single life was like. Dp was a very laid back character and sometimes I wished he was more spontaneous and had more life in him. In the end I felt like he was my best mate. For the last few months I had been communicating this, and we got stuck in a bit of a rut. I was over thinking a lot and we watched each others self esteem slowly chip away. So it made sense that we amicably ended it. It had been a confusing few months.

But now I'm having serious regrets. On the surface we have the foundations for a great relationship - we are both caring people and we really care about each others wellbeing. He is the most gentle and kind-hearted man I know. Plus, we have a very similar sense of humour and we are the best of friends. I wish I saw this earlier.
I can't help but wish I had put more effort in and that I was more grateful for what I had. I communicated this to dp yesterday but he thinks we tried all we could and 'things happen for a reason'. He said there's nothing else I could say to bring him back, it just didn't work out unfortunately. He said this has gone on for months and he thinks we are both 'broken' from all of this and at least need of time where we need to be on our own and sort ourselves out.

I know what he says is making sense, but I really really do want him back and regret everything. So how do I live with this regret when he doesn't want to try again? I'm really struggling. Thanks

Rose tinted spectacles come to mind, you're looking back at the good parts of the relationship that you, quite rightly, miss and appreciate.

But you are so young! You are 25 years old! You need to be aiming for a big relationship, not one you settle for. You need to trust that part of you that decided this relationship wasn't for you. That part was better placed to make the decision as she had the relationship all around her. You're looking in the rear view mirror and wondering what you missed.

I know it's hard but you need to move forward, have you been talking to your ex a lot since the break up,? Some time apart from contact might really help just now.

I guess that's true :( but my mental health has been all over the place since I went off my tablets in March so I feel like maybe I just took him for granted, over reacted to certain things and stuff. But it's too late now

Why are you off your tablets?! The most important thing right now is to get your mental health in check. Go see your GP/mental health team and let them know about how your mental health state has changed so you all can agree what is best for you.

I went off them because I reacted really badly to them ☹️ now i feel like a lot of my behaviours were down to that. I have said this to him but he thinks there were other issues too and that he feels it's the sensible thing to do to take time apart. I just can't help feeling that after reflection, I acted irrationally and I really really do want tings to work ☹️

Thing is OP, you regret breaking up with him.

But he doesn’t! You say he’s laid back, so he probably felt same as you but didn’t have guts to end it. Now you’ve ended jt, he’s relieved that it’s done.

So given this, he wasn’t happy and it would have come to an end eventually

We had literally the most perfect and undramatic relationship for 5 years before I went on and off these tablets in march. Since then I became down, depressed, ungrateful and slowly broke him. I let myself spiral so much that I've now lost him I've never been so full of regret and would literally do anything to fix it

You can off the tablets in March.
During a pandemic when many many have suffered mental health
You owe to particularly suffered
5 months later a long term relationship ends and he now doesn’t want to her back together

And you feel that you are to blame because what? You suffered mental health issues during a pandemic and coming off meds?

He hardly gave you his all OP!

It takes 2 to tango and your ex no longer wants to. Maybe he can't handle mental health issues. I went off an ex when I saw his weaknesses - yes, I was still fond of him and remembered the good times and what I had liked, but that didn't overcome the feeling that he wasn't completely right for me.

I was 27 when we split up and net my now husband (of many years) just before my 28th birthday.

Travel hopefully- the next one will likely be better!

It’s hard but you got together so young you both never really got to understand who you are individually. I think you got it right originally and that this regret is actually grief for your relationship. 5 years down the line you may find each other again having experienced the world and having a deeper understanding of yourselves but in the meantime you need to focus on yourself and let the relationship pass. I really feel for you it is so hard to grieve a relationship if you blame yourself but it wasn’t anyone’s fault.

You were struggling and there was something about your relationship that made you unhappy. Don't second guess your decision, it will have had some basis in reality. I have experience personally of depression and mental health illness as well as through work and study.... My experience is the person who is going through mental health difficulties tries not to change anything? Particularly stable relationships that they rely on. Are you absolutely sure this relationship was what you say it was?

If he can't cope with mental health difficulties then it is better that you know this now and you can look to a future partner who is more able to cope with both the ups and downs of relationships.

What do you mean you are spiraling? What is happening with your treatment at the minute?

The one to end the relationship often feels this way. Its human nature to question if we made the right decision, especially if he hadn’t technically done anything ‘wrong’. You did the right thing for yourself OP if you and you will be ok. Don’t allow yourself to be fearful that you’ll never meet anyone else (as that’s probably where the feeling of regret is coming from) who will treat you well because you will and next time you’ll make sure that they also have the other qualities you’re looking for.

If this relationship is meant to be he will come back to you. You can’t blame the tablets for everything and sounds like there were other issues in the relationship. You sound like a good person so do as he suggests, take some space to heal. Make plans with your friends and learn lessons for your next relationship xx