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Original poster

Returning stuff to abusive ex

27 replies

Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:11

Posted in AIBU as well as trying to get as many suggestions as possible.

My ex partner was given a criminal caution by the police after admitting having harassed me and my family online, among many other things he did following our split which couldn’t be proven (stealing/throwing away my belongings, ripping up my clothes, breaking my shoes, stealing my post etc). I haven’t seen him for over a year and am desperate never to see him again.

Unfortunately though, when I packed up my stuff to move out of our flat, I was in a rush to get out and accidentally packed some of his things with mine - records, books, photos mostly. I only realised when I moved into my new home and unpacked everything from the storage unit.

For months, I’ve been trying to find ways to get this stuff back to him without having to see/contact him. Even though he’s never said anything about it (he must not have realised it’s missing, because he almost definitely would’ve kicked off if he had) it’s stuff that I know is of sentimental value to him, especially the photos. Ideally I wanted to take it to a police station near his home, leave it there and then him collect it a bit later, so the police could confirm the stuff was in good condition (I wouldn’t put it past him to damage it and then claim I’d done it). But they’re refusing to help me and saying I need to arrange a collection via a solicitors which they would attend to prevent a breach of the peace. I don’t want to pay a solicitor and that would probably still involve me having to see him.

What can I do? We don’t have any mutual friends. He was abusive to several of my friends and family so I don’t want to involve them. I don’t want to just leave the stuff at his flat as I might see him. Any ideas? Should I just courier it to him and hope he doesn’t go down the route of breaking/trashing some of it and claiming it turned up damaged?

OP posts:
FingersCrossedForAllOfUs · 19/09/2020 10:14

Courier it to him and forget about it. It sounds like he will protest and make a fuss whatever happens. But be safe and stay alert. Is he likely to visit you? Have you blocked him on everything?

Mintjulia · 19/09/2020 10:19

PAck it all up, with a witness (preferably a professional person) to the fact it is undamaged, and ship it to him.

Joistlooking · 19/09/2020 10:23

Photograph it as it is being packed; have a witness to this as PP suggested then courier it to him.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:25

Thanks all, these are good ideas.

@FingersCrossedForAllOfUs no, he doesn’t know where I’m living now and I want it to stay that way. He is blocked everywhere and if he contacts me now he’d almost certainly be arrested because of the caution, so hopefully that’ll be enough to deter him from getting in contact but I just wouldn’t put anything past him.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 19/09/2020 10:31

Bin the lot, as you say he's not realised

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:32

@Oldraver it’s so tempting. But I’m sure eventually he will realise and accuse me of stealing it. I just don’t want the hassle.

OP posts:
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 19/09/2020 10:41

I would sell the records to pay for the stuff he's broken. Anything small and of no value can be posted to him. But that's IF you are being generous. You might care about sentimental stuff but I doubt he does. He doesn't sound like the sentimental type to be frank.

Sell the records. They are worth good money to collectors.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 19/09/2020 10:42

As for him accusing you of stealing how when he can't contact you? Or prove it? Don't let him scare you. Get the money because you deserve it.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:48

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl (LOVE that username) you’re right. When I think about it, it probably only means something to him as he can show off about it to people - the records he never listened to (on the record player I bought him - ironically my own record player was one of the things he broke) and books were mostly for show as they looked nice in the living room. The photos were of a trip he took with his dad to volunteer abroad, I do think those meant something to him, but again mostly so he could show off about them. Sometimes I think he broke and stole so many things he knew meant a lot to me, why shouldn’t I do the same to him - but I don’t want to stoop to his level. I just want rid of it, it’s the last physical reminder I have of him in my life now really.

OP posts:
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 19/09/2020 10:53

Please sell it. At least look at how much you could get. And take the books to a charity shop.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 10:55

I will definitely have a look. Thanks, you’ve made me see this in a different light which I needed.

OP posts:
MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 19/09/2020 10:55

Even if you sell all the records to one place and they give you £50.. it's worth it! Then throw the rest away and deny all knowledge. Be free! Stop caring! It will be a nice feeling to know that in a small way you got back at him won't it?

happythankyoumoreplease · 19/09/2020 11:31

Bin it, burn it, sell it, give it away to passers by...

Why are you so concerned about getting this stuff back to your ex when he hasn't missed it and has previously destroyed your stuff?

If this was the other way around what would he do with your stuff? Do that.

Bunnymumy · 19/09/2020 11:44

Sending him the things back rn after so long no contact is only waving a red flag at a bull tbh. Because to him you arent sending back his things, you are saying 'you no longer have a hold over me'. And that will make him more desperate to get back at you. Too big of a risk.

I'd say maybe hold onto it for another year and if he finds a way to make contact asking, post them back to him. Otherwise, sell them as suggested. If he contacts after that, ignore ignore ignore. You are not a storage shelter, he doesnt have afoot to stand on asking for stuff after 2 years. Tbh, after 6 months...its just I think you might feel happier eating a bit longer before selling.

Bunnymumy · 19/09/2020 11:45

*waiting a bit longer

justilou1 · 19/09/2020 12:10

Donate it to a DV charity

PamDemic · 19/09/2020 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aerial2020 · 19/09/2020 12:22

@justilou1

Donate it to a DV charity
This.

You are investing way too much thought into this.

Look how he behaved. Why do you give a shit if it's sentimental you him?
It wont be stealing, he has no proof and the police wont get involved with something so trivial.

Get rid of it and move on. You are still thinking about him way too much.

Panicwiththebisto · 19/09/2020 12:47

Did he replace all the stuff of yours he broke or threw away?

Thought not!

Elieza · 19/09/2020 13:10

I’m actually going to disagree with pp about this - I’m old skool and feel two wrongs don’t make a right.

He’s a bastard. But I’d want to have a clean conscious because I’m not. You will get no thanks but you will know that you never did anything wrong even now. He’s the one who did.

I’d pack it up with bubble wrap and courier it to him. Either by a pal to leave on his doorstep and ring the bell and retreat once the door is opened or by a paid courier. Not one of these shit couriers that throw your stuff over your garden wall or lose it. A courier you trust.

Unless of course you have moved address and the couriers label on the package may display your new secret address and let him know where you live.

I’ve been in a similar situation and was told I had damaged the stuff. Cheeky fucker should have been thanking me for returning his shit but he chose to try and play the victim. I put the phone down and have no need to ever contact again.

happythankyoumoreplease · 19/09/2020 13:13

Why should she pay for a courier? Confused

Lineofconcepcion · 19/09/2020 13:17

Do nothing as for you to have contact now even by courier would be misinterpreted by him and unwise after harassment issues. If it bothers you box it and put it in the loft and leave it there until you next move house. Then bin it.

You are too invested emotionally in this.

MsKeats · 19/09/2020 13:19

When I left my first ex there was loads and loads of photos. I boxed it up and posted it -he won't even know it was from you. Don't put a return address on and post it miles from where you live. I waited until I went to visit a friend in Manchester and posted it from there.

Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 14:56

Because even though he obviously hasn’t missed it, technically he would be within his rights to claim I’ve stolen it when he finally realises it’s gone, which I’m pretty sure he will one day. And because I’ve gone to the police so many times asking for their help in getting it back to him, there is an audit trail to say I’ve had it - so it’s not a case of just being able to deny all knowledge if it ever came to it.

I just don’t want him to ever have the satisfaction of feeling that anything he did to me was remotely justified. I don’t want to feel like I’ve done the same to him as he did to me, whether he deserves it or not. I think I am just going to courier it to him, yes it will cost me to send it but it’ll be worth it to be rid of every last reminder of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tafelberg · 19/09/2020 14:58

I don’t want to keep it in the house any more. We don’t have a loft and no matter where I put it I’m going to have to see it again at some point and it just drags up old memories every time. I curse myself for being so careless when I packed my stuff up but I was in a rush, panicking, he’d just been arrested and taken away for all the damage and theft of my possessions and I just wanted to get out of there. I’ve been trying ever since I realised I had it to get it back to him and it’s just turned into this ridiculous saga that I just want over with now.

OP posts: