Name changed but long time poster. Naice ham, cancel the cheque, penis beaker etc. Should probably be posting in AIBU but feeling a bit fragile and need some advice / how not to be such a horrible bitch. It’s complicated and I’ll try not to make it too long but also don’t want to drip feed.
3 young kids, one with special needs. They don’t see their dad. Remarried 4 years ago. H has two adult children that live with us, DSC1 and DSC2. DSC1 is 28. They have a part time job. DSC2 is 26 and unemployed. Seven people in a house is obviously a lot so we had some work that started just after Christmas. Was meant to be done by the end of March but then the world kind of broke. H had moved out just before lockdown, partially because we were shuffling bedrooms and kids and partially because the stress of building work was hard for him. He was sent home on full pay in Feb when things were looking dodgy, furloughed in March, then lost his job in May. I’m working 2 jobs to keep us going. It’s grand but I obviously can’t keep it up indefinitely. Main job is full time and full on. Not a front line worker but think supporting service and I’m senior so on emergency committees etc.
We’re however many months into COVID and I am exhausted. House is nearly done but two of the kids are still sharing a bedroom with me. H is still living with a friend, 15 minutes down the road. Everything was left to me during lockdown to the extent I still had to go out and get shopping despite being on the cocooning list. I had to homeschool the kids which was a complete fucking shit show and a one stage had no hot water, heating or a bed of my own. It’s better now but still getting there in terms of the house. H comes round most days. He will complain about the house, my weight (I’ve put on a stone and a half since March - was already over weight so it’s not great I get that) that I’ve not done enough to help the kids with school work. He complains about money constantly stating I’m not doing enough to cut back but then bought himself a brand new Sky Sports package. Our bank account went overdrawn this morning so I moved some of the money from one of our accounts to cover it. Got a shitty message from H moments later asking why I had cleared the overdraft using his money and why hadn’t I asked him first? Thing is, he claims everything I earn is his, insisted that I am paid into an account he has access to and scrutinised all my spending. I bought the kids a (small, cheap, discount coded to kingdom come) takeaway (first one in 4 months) the other week as 3 of them had birthdays and literally 5 minutes after making the transaction I got a message saying “Takeaway for dinner?” and then a barrage of stuff, literally paragraphs of texts telling me how bad with money I am and how selfish I am and how he thinks I’m spending money on myself and hiding it from him. (I’m not - I’m only spending on essentials and seriously - he accused me of buying make up the other week when I picked up some vitamins and Calpol from Superdrug).
I’m done. DCS2 is staying with his mum for a break for a few months but DSC1 is here. She works part time at a shop. I ask her to pay a tiny amount of rent each month (literally one 8th of what she earns - she doen’t go out apart from work - ever, doesn’t drive, I sort all her meals so no other big expenses) and that’s unreasonable. If I ask her to empty the dishwasher she huffs and puffs. If I work late - sometimes if shit goes down I have to be on crisis calls - she rings her dad and tells them that I’m talking to other men on the phone. If I ask her to help with any house bits (my three all pitch in as well - promise I’m not trying to be an evil step mum) she rings her dad and cries. She spent 15 minutes ranting to me today about how hard her life is and how she wants a holiday, I’ve cook for her every day, I cuddle her when she’s sad, I get her mum to ring her, I’ve taken her to doctors and counselors appointment but I don’t care about her enough. Basically she gets treated like one of my 3 - they both do. She’s only been back at work for a few weeks - she’s previously been furloughed. When I push back to H or DSC1 they make me the bad guy. H is now saying that there’s something wrong with me because I’m finding this so hard and don’t I understand how much he and DSC1 are struggling with their mental health.
Feel like I’m going mad. I'm trying so hard to keep everyone happy. Doing DIY and painting when the kids are sleeping. Doing all the homework, baking, trips to the park etc. Want to protect my kids but honestly don’t know how to look after my step kids. They were both in their early 20s when we met and got together so it’s not like they’re small children that I brought up if you get me. How do I do the right thing by them? Or at least cause the least hurt? I’m resenting H and DSC1 and 2 to an extent but at least he mostly ignores me when he;s here). Is there something wrong with me? Can someone give me a script for supportive things I can say? I keep bursting into tears at work and people are starting to notice. A couple of colleagues have asked if I should maybe take some time off but the thing is, I’ve nowhere to go. Home is a mess. Kids can’t be left with anyone else. Even if I took some time off when the kids are in school, H will be over to check on me or DSC1 would tell him I wasn’t working. He’d then accuse me of being lazy (apparently I sleep all the time - evidenced by he turned up at 8 am on a Sunday morning and we were all asleep). Can anyone give me some advise / scripts / tell me to cop on? Thanks if you’ve made it this far and sorry if I don’t reply straight away - kids work etc. Also sorry for the rambling and the terrible spelling but I'm just so tired.