How do you get a divorce?

[anyhowthisitthetime]

Name changed, I’m pretty sure I want to divorce my husband but have no idea how to go about it.

The last 9 years have been pretty shit, we barely talk, sex is maybe a once in every two year event. I actually think he doesn’t like me, let alone love me.

I’m the higher earner, but I just have no idea on how to do it. Money wise I think I’ll be ok, but how on earth do you separate finances?

Lots of things, don’t want to drip feed, but can’t write a book on here on the last 9 years either. Final straw tonight was just the indifference. My DC, his DSC witnessed a stabbing and had to give a police statement.. when I told him there was nothing, no emotion, just a oh that’s nice dear.

I’ve supported him through Uni, the last six months has been an eye opener, i have pulled 13-14 hour days, whilst sorting our younger DCs home Ed. He has done nothing but get up at 10.00 and then plays bloody online games with his mates in the evening - I’ve had to get up to at 6 to get everything sorted, on the rare occasion I’ve asked for help - oh ffs martyrdom the trauma of having to do anything, I’m making him depressed, I’m emotionally abusing him for asking him to do anything. He does not have any diagnosed depression.

My house is a bombsite, but that’s my fault. No just put your shit in the bin or just do something.

I had bloody COVID in March and it took me months to get over it. I’ve been lucky that my elderly parents live near by so I’ve been able to support them. My DM is seriously Ill, and my DF is recovering from cancer. Some how I’ve managed to cover everything that is important. Kids education, their well being, work, look after parents. And he has done not even the bare min. My resentment is just there. I want a divorce. Honestly I look at him now and think what the fuck is the reason for your existence.

nt I suggested relationship counseling a few years ago - that was deemed as me being emotionally abusive.

I actually feel very isolated, I have no friends anymore, and I’m not going to stop supporting my parents. I’m done, so done. The indifference has killed that last bit of hope, love.

Apologies that was longer than expected. Any advice on how I get a divorce would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

It's really doable. You can do it online for£500 or book an appointment with a solicitor to get the ball rolling. Everything can be sorted it's just taking those first steps

Step 1 - tell him it’s over and ask him to move out
Step 2 - contact a divorce solicitor for a consultation
Step 3 - decide if you want a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (if your ex will sign paperwork it’s pretty cheap and quick) or to wait 2 years and divorce on the grounds of estrangement
Step 4 - once divorce paperwork is filed you move on to financial clean break paperwork. Declare all assets in each of your names (houses, cars, money, pensions) and debts. Agree a split. Start from 50:50. If you have kids they need to be taken care of. If you bot earn (Or have the ability to) then there would likely be no spousal maintenance to pay. You may need to sign over part of your pension or sell the house to release equity but you solicitor will advise.
Step 5 - when your decree nisi comes through you file your financial paperwork for the clean break
Step 6 - decree absolute and clean break granted

It was FAR easier than I expected and helped hugely by my ex not being particularly argumentative. What little capital we had would have been sucked up in court fees if he’d been a dick and he accepted that. We split money down the middle, I did all the paperwork and he signed without arguing.

Agree with all the PPs except for the 50/50 aspect. This is appropriate when one spouse has sacrificed a career to raise children, whilst the other advances theirs.. typically Man climbs career ladder and enjoys higher earning whilst wife gives up or goes part time to care for kids. The Womans '50% ' recognises the equal work put in to the marriage by both parties...

This is not you OP... you have done the childcare. (Could he possibly claim to have been their primary carer whilst you worked ?) the earning.. AND the supporting of him to gain a degree.. which would improve his employment outlook. I would be starting at 75/25 at the very most ..

This is really helpful Thankyou. I've been so flat out with everything it's been hard to see the most direct way forward. Thank you

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel unfortunately 50/50 is the starting point for all. I agree it can often be unfair. I broke up with my ex and ended up giving him assets although he hadn’t contributed to them. Luckily though we weren’t married so I was in a better position.

Good luck op. Make the break and you will feel much better for it.

If theres property involved I would use a solicitor personally. I paid about £1500 for my divorce but it was pretty straightforward and he didnt contest etc. Good luck.

I’d also focus on separation to start with - gives a bit of wriggle room for final settlements etc. Finances generally start at 50:50 for equity but complete separation of income. Gather together all the financial information you can, ask around for good solicitors, and book yourself an appointment with one to get the ball rolling.