Why can't men just shut up?

[screamingchild]

Told my husband to stop speaking to me like an idiot. He carries on. Politely told my husband that I'm really tired and don't want to talk about it anymore. He continues. Attempted to change subject, but no, he still wants to interrogate me on the school corona policy and won't accept my answer if "I don't know". Physically moved my plate from the table to continue eating at the breakfast bar saying that he should respect the fact that he's making me feel stupid and I don't want to talk anymore. He raises his voice and carries on patronising me. Also insults me by telling me how 'public sector' I sound. I told him to stop being rude, to fuck off and now I've gone to bed.anyone else's husband makes you feel stupid and disrespected? I just want to leave the house for the whole weekend to be away from him.

This isn't "men" this is one man you are talking about.

No, my dh doesn't make me feel stupid or disrespected. People don't do that to people they love. In truth, decent people don't do that to anyone.

I know it's just this one man. I just don't understand why he carries on the conversation when he can clearly see it's upsetting me and I'm asking him to change the subject. I feel so pathetic like I can't even hold an adult conversation anymore. I've only just gone back to work since being Sahm for 4 years.

Your H is not representative of all mankind, but in your situation I would tell him you have a headache, so could he STFU...OR....just leave the room.

Has he always been like this?

No my dh has never behaved like that.

Not sure why you generalised to men from one person, but if you want to generalise, yes a significant proportion of people of any gender struggle with communication/listening/empathy and it can be frustrating if that's what you really need at the moment, especially when it's the one person who you can't get away from and should have your back.
He may feel insecure because he is no longer the sole earner or any number of other reasons, but it does sound like you both need a good chat especially involving listening and validating.

I know I shouldn't generalise and now I've calmed down, I know it's not all men who are like this at all. I'm so frustrated and lonely.

He never has my back. I'm accustomed to going through things alone. I thought it would make me feel stronger but it just leaves me feeling alone and bitter. My recent experiences where I have felt uncared for and unsupported by DH are as follows:
-Coming off antidepressants
-Nan passing away
-Interview for job.
-Starting new job.
-Trichtillomania
-Child starting school
I've gone through all this alone but with a husband right there.

Thank you Weary - good advice

I want to ask this as gently as possible, but how exactly does he make you 'feel stupid'? Is it just because he continues to press you for an answer even after you're told him you don't know?

The reason I'm asking is that I used to get into similar back and forths with an ex, except I was your husband in my scenario, my ex yourself, so I'm wondering if your DH is operating in the same frame of mind I used to.

For what it's worth, I'm autistic, and I find it impossible to accept a situation where somebody has taken control of something, but when questioned on the matter they appear to not be capable of providing the information I believe they should. I know it makes me an insufferable arse, but I'm wondering if that might explain your DH's tenacity and relentlessness. Talking continually, not accepting unsatisfactory (to me at least) answers, and eventual mocking derision at what I perceive to be intransigence is something that I am guilty of and totally recognise, so your DH's behaviour is setting my spidey-senses tingling.

He's being a dick and wft is sounding public sector?! He sounds like he's very domineering. If he want to know the school covid info can he not find out himself? Does he often behave like this?

I'm afraid that I disagree with the PPs. It sounds like he's doing it deliberately in order to goad you. Belittling you isn't acceptable either. I think you have some underlying issues here in terms of feeling unsupported. My kindest interpretation is that perhaps he's trying to get your attention but in a childlike manner. Alternatively, he's deliberately being a knob. Either way, you both need to work on your relationship because you are at risk of the gulf between you growing wider.

@downwiththis He makes me feel stupid because he'll repeat the unsatisfactorily answered question again in a tone of voice usually saved for young children, and slower. Plus he might also laugh at me when I tell him "I don't know" or I'm not sure what he's getting at.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

I want to ask this as gently as possible, but how exactly does he make you 'feel stupid'? Is it just because he continues to press you for an answer even after you're told him you don't know?

The reason I'm asking is that I used to get into similar back and forths with an ex, except I was your husband in my scenario, my ex yourself, so I'm wondering if your DH is operating in the same frame of mind I used to.

For what it's worth, I'm autistic, and I find it impossible to accept a situation where somebody has taken control of something, but when questioned on the matter they appear to not be capable of providing the information I believe they should. I know it makes me an insufferable arse, but I'm wondering if that might explain your DH's tenacity and relentlessness. Talking continually, not accepting unsatisfactory (to me at least) answers, and eventual mocking derision at what I perceive to be intransigence is something that I am guilty of and totally recognise, so your DH's behaviour is setting my spidey-senses tingling.

Yes - this!

@Plussizejumpsuit

He's being a dick and wft is sounding public sector?! He sounds like he's very domineering. If he want to know the school covid info can he not find out himself? Does he often behave like this?

He says that public sector workers are wasteful, avoid responsibility and whinge.

@screamingchild

Ok. It's not just because of the way he pesters you for an answer I'm asking, because this -

He never has my back. I'm accustomed to going through things alone. I thought it would make me feel stronger but it just leaves me feeling alone and bitter. My recent experiences where I have felt uncared for and unsupported by DH are as follows:
-Coming off antidepressants
-Nan passing away
-Interview for job.
-Starting new job.
-Trichtillomania
-Child starting school
I've gone through all this alone but with a husband right there.

all sounds exactly like me as well, as it's exactly the sort of thing my ex used to complain about. Some autistic people tend to be rather aloof when it comes to relating to people experiencing things that they have no personal experience of themselves, so in my case it tends to lead to me being accused of being indifferent or uncaring, when in actual fact it's really just that I do not recognise or understand what it is I am actually supposed to be doing.

Is he supportive of you in any way at all? If and when I do understand what's expected of me, I can and do offer as much support as I can, it's just recognising that someone else might actually be relying on me for it that is the difficult part. I'm a bit of a loner myself and tend to take care of my own issues and problems, so it's sometimes difficult for me to grasp that someone else might not be capable of dealing with something that wouldn't faze me at all.

I didn't belittle my ex with my tone of voice though, that just sounds like nastiness to be honest, but I would press, and press, and press, growing increasingly frustrated at not getting a response I felt I had a right to expect.

It's entirely possible that your DH is simply a nasty, uncaring git, and a bit of a bully, but I just thought I'd see if you recognise anything I'm describing in myself in him, and whether it's ever occurred to you in the past that there might be more to his behaviours than anyone has recognised.

As PP's said- how can someone sound 'public sector?' What an obnoxious pretentious knob.

He says that public sector workers are wasteful, avoid responsibility and whinge.

Do you work in the public sector? If so, he is saying this stuff about you, his wife. That is kind of verbal/emotional abuse, or at the very least, arseholeish.

If you were going on a date with him for the first time now and he acted like this, he wouldn't get a second date, would he? He's at the very least taking you for granted, so he thinks he can treat you any which way.

I have autistic traits BTW and I like to think I'd never act like this.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX I assume you could give people basic emotional support like go 'oh that's really horrible', ask them how they're doing etc. It's not rocket science, I think if someone's DH isn't bothering to be remotely kind and supportive then it's not good. I think you're selling yourself short saying that you are that way. You would know for instance, if your spouse had had a bereavement, that you try to be supportive. We might not always say the right thing but we'd have a go.

He says that public sector workers are wasteful, avoid responsibility and whinge.

If he ended up with Covid and in hospital one of these whinging, irresponsible public sector workers would be keeping him from death's door......what a loathesome arsewipe he is.

@SoulofanAggron

Yes, pretty much as you say, only I can be a big forgetful with the conventions of small talk etc, so I often forget to ask people how they are in return after they have asked me the same etc

The aloofness comes into play when I'm incapable of conceiving that someone else experiences things differently to me. For example, I'm totally pragmatic and not prone to nervousness or anxiety, so 'starting a new job' for example, to draw from @screamingchild's list, would never occur to me as a situation that someone would expect support in, because it's not a scenario that I would feel pressured by or struggle in. This is the nub of the problem. If it's a situation that I would breeze through, or am indifferent to, or don't see any way I would get stressed by, I more often than not don't realise that other people might not see or experience it the same way.

To put it bluntly, my thought process would be 'why on earth would you need my support in starting a new job? I've started new jobs before and it's a piece of cake'. It's not deliberate nastiness or intended to be callous, I just can't actually comprehend why someone might experience it differently until they point out to me that they do.

Totally different with things I've struggled with personally, because then I recognise it as a difficult situation, one in which people probably appreciate or require support, then I step up to the plate without being asked. Guidance is always welcome though.

My OH has an annoying habit pf re-phrasing a question when I don't know the answer, e.g. "what colour is x?" "I don't know" "do you think it is red or blue?".

Drives me nuts and I'm never quite sure why he does it but it's not malicious and may relate to how his mind works very differently than mine (maybe the prompt/ re-phrasing would help him to suddenly know the answer?). Now I just remind him that re-phrasing the question does not help me to know the answer but it he welcome to find that information out for himself. If he wants specifics and I am taking responsibility for finding something out, I ask for a list of what he wants to know first (e.g. if going to a parents evening alone or something).

I think he's just condescending and looks down on you. He sees you as low intelligence but useful. Not his equal but good at housework. A lot of men only like women they can feel intellectually superior to, and then find themselves bored and resentful when that starts to annoy them.

He knows you won't stick up for yourself and do anything to stop him either. It's contempt, pure and simple.

So he talks to you like you're an idiot? Hes a complete twat OP. You've already proven you can function just fine without his "support"

Yes as @MarriedtoDaveGrohl says: this is about contempt

Just on the specific point of the school Covid policy, I would have said, 'if you pop on the website / email their policy is there' . I'm involved with three different schools and all of them have sent out detailed letters with exactly what they are doing. Why is it up to you to know off the top of your head?