DH depression dragging me to the bottom

[Flumpaphone]

Long time poster NC for this.

DH has had depression since Christmas, he's had bouts before but this is the worst I have seen for a long time. He was made redundant in March and because of his age has very little prospect of getting a job in this climate. I work full time from home at the moment and am the breadwinner for the family, we manage but there's not much left over.

He has decided to do a distance learning course to retrain which has cost several hundred pounds and will cost several hundred more in tools, assessment etc but should provide some income once completed through setting up a small business. It's going to pinch us financially but I'm happy we use money to do that.

The thing is his depression means he's doing about an hour every couple of days if that. He's not getting up until mid/late morning then not really getting on with things. He says the depression means he's got no motivation and can't focus on things. He won't go to the doctor as he's had ADs before and they made him worse and he won't look at counselling as he says the last time he went to the Drs they gave him a phone number to call to set something up and it just rang out constantly and no-one answered.

Today he said he was feeling a bit better and said he needed to make a plan to get organised and do things. That was great but he also wanted to start a house project as part of this. I said great but that we don't really have the money for the project. He's now gone back to "everything's pointless, we've no money, why bother with anything"

Thing is, he often has the energy to go off on long political rants and spend hours arguing with strangers on Facebook.

I love him and want to get him through this and I have tried to offer all the support I can but it is starting to drag me down and suck all the energy out of me. There are times when I want to put the proverbial rocket up his backside and tell him to man up and snap out of it - but I won't because I know that's not how depression works.

Does anyone have any advice on dealing with this? I feel at the moment like I'm going under.

It's not fair of him to let you be the sole earner if money is tight, depression or not. He needs to realise that things cannot carry on this way as it isn't good for your mental health either. Be firm and tell him he needs to actively seek help for his depression and not make excuses as to why he can't.

I hope things work out for you OP

He won't go to the doctor as he's had ADs before and they made him worse and he won't look at counselling as he says the last time he went to the Drs they gave him a phone number to call to set something up and it just rang out constantly and no-one answered.

I know people with depression can be like this, but I'd have little patience with this. I have severe mental health problems and do everything I can to help myself. He needs to go back to the GP because there are dozens of meds they can try, just because a few haven't worked doesn't mean there aren't things they can try and they'll probably hit on something that can help- if need be he can be referred to a consultant.

And he needs to get that number again from the GP and call it. If he genuinely struggles to make phone calls, you could make the call for him.

My DP also refused to seek help for his depression. I ended up in counselling to sort out his depression. I must admit I did have just too much one day and did tell him to man up or ship out. For my DP I had the impression that although his mood had lifted a bit, he was used being all weighed down by everything and he was unable to break that cycle. Me having a rage at him in the back garden (at his request- the back garden that is), shook him up and he did start to get his act together.

His depression comes in cycles and he has always refused to seek help. Once he was a lot better, I told him if the depression happens again (and I'm sure it will, he has very little resilience) And if he refuses to seek help, I'm gone. Bloody near killed me last time and I will not allow it to happen again.

Bascially what I am saying is - it would not be unreasonable for you to insist your DH seeks help / treatment / support. That you are being pulled down and the family can't withstand both of you depressed, so you will have to distance yourself to stay healthy and care for the family and earn an income. You could give him a timescale, eg a month to start seeking help and he has to see it through.

His depression comes in cycles and he has always refused to seek help. Once he was a lot better, I told him if the depression happens again (and I'm sure it will, he has very little resilience) And if he refuses to seek help, I'm gone.

@DPotter Well said. You're human too and your happiness is equally important.

I think your husband has to take some responsibility. He needs to speak to a GP. There are a variety of anti depressants to choose from. Disagreeing with one does not mean another wont work.

There's also a variety of charities that help those with mental health difficulties.

Ideally he should not be staying up so late that he sleeps until the afternoon.
A routine can be really useful. So maybe he could go for a walk/ do housework/stuff in the garden in the morning. In afternoon do some studying. In the evening have family time. Then hopefully he's tired earluer and will sleep better.

@SoulofanAggron

He won't go to the doctor as he's had ADs before and they made him worse and he won't look at counselling as he says the last time he went to the Drs they gave him a phone number to call to set something up and it just rang out constantly and no-one answered.

I know people with depression can be like this, but I'd have little patience with this. I have severe mental health problems and do everything I can to help myself. He needs to go back to the GP because there are dozens of meds they can try, just because a few haven't worked doesn't mean there aren't things they can try and they'll probably hit on something that can help- if need be he can be referred to a consultant.

And he needs to get that number again from the GP and call it. If he genuinely struggles to make phone calls, you could make the call for him.

Yes it's interesting isnt it, it does seem that the greater proportion of people who don't want to help themselves are men. Depression of course is a terrible illness and there are no quick 'fixes' but sometimes people do need a proper push to actually start doing things rather than wallowing which will only make things worse for them. Women tend to be much more forebearing as partners than men but then reach breaking point as a result of being left to shoulder everything.

Much better to start more forcibly encouraging small changes earlier which can then be built to bigger steps. If the depression is severe, medication and/or therapy and/or lifestyle changes are needed. It's a key part of the illness that the person doesn't have motivation to do anything so obviously nothing will change unless the partner steps in!

Thank you everyone, it's very good advice and I know at the bottom of me he has to go to the Drs but he's as stubborn as a mule so it will be an interesting conversation. I think if I gave him an ultimatum that would be the mother of all rows as he would try to paint me as bad, uncaring etc etc, but maybe that's what it needs (probably not in the garden though, it might frighten the cat ).

I know something has to change as I can't carry on walking on eggshells waiting for the next row or plummet into the depths.

The trouble with living with a depressed person is that it will inevitably eventually drag you under the waves. There is no helping someone who refuses to help themselves.

It's an awful way to live, and it's not fair.

I ended my first marriage because I could no longer live with it. I had become a shell of my former self trying to deal with another person's mental health issues.

His happiness and mental health is not your responsibility. It is his, and if he will not take responsibility, then you're kind of screwed.

Perhaps you could make the GP appointment for him and tell him you're at the end of your tether and he either takes that step and starts doing something about it or you will have to re-evaluate your position.

Also - try to hang on in there. It's bloody awful isn't it?

In similar situation a couple of years ago. We are through it now, it’s much better and life is better. At the time it felt like that would never happen.

But, my husband got help, he tried counselling, he took the meds, he exercised, he forced himself out of bed (most days, not every day). I leant on his family, friends, I got some counselling myself through work.

I wouldn’t have stayed with him if he hadn’t got help, it was too detrimental to my health. I spent many nights googling flats to rent, so I could feel I had options.

I made time for myself, it was awful leaving him sometimes but I had to just to get an hour or two to myself.
The counsellor I saw said the noisy ones are hard, my dh was ranting away for a year. She suggested pretending that I had a sheet of bubble wrap protecting me or was wearing a protective suit so it would bounce off me.

It’s tough on you too, you have to look after yourself.

Errr.....hold on a second.

Could you please tell me why you think he has depression. I lost my job too and have been unemployed for months. His days sound like mine. I don't have 'depression'.....my life is just quite shit right now.

There's a difference between having clinical depression and reacting to less than desirable circumstances in a bad way. Unless his brain chemicals are out of wack or he's near suicidal, he doesn't need to medicate it away - what he needs is a job, a better life. He's having difficulty focusing because he feels like he's floating. The days aren't stuctured. He's feeling apathetic because he probably feels like he's running on a hamster wheel going nowhere - notice how alert he is when he's doing those rants. That's because he's getting some sort of interaction.

Your 'man up' is why a lot of men don't feel able to express emotion. They must always be tough even in front of their partners.

I appreciate you find it difficult and frustrating. If you want to stay with him, the best thing you can do right now is encourage him to do some volunteering (which can be done remotely too). It will pad out his c.v and give him some structure until he gets a job.

Just tell him you can’t cope anymore and he goes to the GP this coming week or he needs to move back to his parents to give you breathing space

When he talks about his needs, point out your need

Sympathies OP my husband has had episodes of depression throughout the last 15 years. He has also at times been very reluctant to acknowledge the fact and to seek help. The most recent episode has occurred despite long term antidepressants.

Agree with pp that having some sort of routine is important even if it’s very loose. There is a website called living life to the full which is based around self help using cognitive behaviour therapy. Free to join but you can buy the linked books if you wish. Run by a respected reputable fully qualified doctor.

Also agree you must try and carve out some downtime for you. Short time daily to learn a language online, do a crossword knit a few rows, future learn for a course in something.

Depression often makes people selfish he must take part in cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I let this one slide for far too long.

EarthSight it says in the OP that he's had bouts of depression before. That he's been prescribed ADs and counselling by his GP.
He's had it since Christmas, he didn't lose his job until March.
So that's probably why the OP thinks he has depression because a GP diagnosed it.
The OP also said she would not tell him to man up.

He needs to go back to the GP and seek help again. That's non-negotiable.
If he doesn't want to do this then he doesn't want to take the first step to getting well again.
It's time to sit down with him and tell him that something needs to change.

Also there should be no new house projects or whatever until he has completed the distance learning course as he needs to focus on that. There isn't enough money for that anyway.
If he's feeling better one day then he needs to put his energy into his course on that day.

I was the one who told her DP to Man up or ship out. Did it once and would do it again if the circumstances were the same.

My DP told me he wanted to let 'nature take it's course' - if you knew what he did for a living you would appreciate the irony, but I'm not sharing that. Nature taking it's course, would have seen me and DD leaving

I insisted my DP sought help, I deliberately did not state what type of support. I believe I said he could go and sit under an apple tree and hum if he thought it would help.

OP ask him to seek help - there's lots of different types and he needs to choose the one that appeals to him. Don't get drawn into choosing one for him - you'll be on the hook for it if it doesn't suit / doesn't work

His happiness and mental health is not your responsibility. It is his

^ this. And I speak has someone who struggles with depression and anxiety.

Again, thank you all. We had a better day yesterday, lots of sighing and puffing of cheeks but I did manage to get him out of the house. He's also suggested a walk today which seems like a bit of progress. If today goes well, I think a gentle conversation tonight about getting help.

Fingers crossed I can do this gently but I have absolutely taken on board all the advice about being firm and insisting if not.