What's going on here?

[TheSoulCatcher]

Having some issues with DP who I have been with nearly 2 years. We don't live together.

Work has got horrendously busy for me recently and it will be like this short term until we recruit.

Things have been a bit crap between us recently as I'm starting to feel used by him. He came over last night but was really quiet and unresponsive to me when I tried to cuddle him etc.

He text me when he got home and he was being very blunt with me. I told him I was upset because he looked disappointed to see me and now was being like this but I think it's more that we didn't have sex. His behaviour towards me recently has put me off and I've tried explaining it's not turning me on.

He says things like he needs to feel wanted by me. I asked him to come over and id cook for him and we could enjoy some time together. Prior to this he questioned why I'm not affectionate with him in messages. What he means is why I only put 1 x and not 3 like I do my friends. I got upset and felt like he was questioning me and I had to defend myself.
When he turned up he said he was pissed off that I'd reacted badly to his question earlier on and couldn't see why it would piss me off. He has form for questioning everything and I've told him I don't like it.
We cuddled and kissed but he's now saying he still doesn't feel wanted. Implying that sex is the only way. I've told him again that all this is not doing it for me and I need to feel that I'm more than just that. All he keeps saying is if I can't be with him like that then he's not staying with me.

I just want him to be normal so that we can be like that. I'm feeling under enormous pressure and it's making me ill.

Is it normal or is it actually me causing a problem?

It’s both of you. Don’t get me wrong you’ll have posters screaming he’s some sort of pervert and should be meeting your needs, doing what you ask but thr reality is a relationship is a two way street

You need him to do certain things to make you feel wanted, look pleased to see you, not question you, be happy to just be with you, he needs to feel affection and sexually desired. Neither of you are meeting the others needs, he feels rejected, you feel distant and annoyed.

You need to either sit down and talk it out, and find a way forward or just end it, because it looks like it’s over any way. You’re no longer connected and no longer meet each other’s needs and no longer communicate well.

I’d also add op, looking to allocate blame, be it on him, or you is not helpful. You will just make it worse if you play that game.

It doesn’t sound great, OP. You’re two years into this relationship and you are neither on the same page nor cohabiting, and seem to have difficulty even communicating.
Perhaps this has run its course, and your current work stress has just flagged up the cracks.
What do you actually get from this relationship? What needs is it meeting? And is your DP actually happy with it? I suspect it may be time for a reassessment and an honest conversation about where this is going.

With all the crap going on in the World today, life is tough enough as it is! The last thing anyone needs now is a relationship with that feels like it's too much like hard work. It sounds like you've got enough on your plate right now.
It doesn't look like either of you are full of the joys of Spring when together.
It seems you both want/need different things to mean anything to each other. I think it sounds like very hard work. Maybe have a break and see if that helps. Extra pressures are the last thing you need right now. If it's making you ill. I'd be inclined to just end things. Nobody needs that amount of stress.

We have tried talking it out and it doesn't change. I can fully accept if it's not working anymore.
Just very hard when I'm constantly questioned. I cuddle him and kiss him and get a dire response so I'm not sure how that's supposed to progress into sex.
I really do try with him. The other week I took him out for his birthday and we had sex, he was still questioning and miserable.
It's hard to feel intense desire for someone who is constantly negative

Has he always been like this? If this is a new thing I would be wondering if someone else has caught his eye tbh or he's building up to ending things.

Sounds like it’s fizzling out.

He has form for questioning everything
Has he? That must be tiresome.

He's always been controlling and mistrustful of me for no reason. We did practically live together before lock down but that was never an official thing. He would always accuse me of things if I said I wanted space.

Even now I only get 1 child free night per week and if I dare to need a night to myself it's all a big drama. I feel like I've really tried.

He's just sent me a message saying he needs to see right now that I want him or he's finished. I feel so embarrassed my efforts last night clearly weren't enough to show him and I just wish I could stop feeling so shit. Is it that bad that I need to see he cares about me in other ways in order to keep momentum up for the sex side of things?

We've never had sex less than once a week our entire relationship. I've even done it just to try and keep the peace and things positive but it's like whatever I do is not enough.

Maybe he has met someone else and he's trying to find excuses.

He's always been controlling and mistrustful of me for no reason.

Chuck him. Why would you want this in your life?

Take the opportunity of his ultimatum to bin him off. He sounds awful and if you give in now, he will use this tactic to control your whole life.

2 years is way too soon to be having duty sex to keep the peace, and it’s also too soon to be put off sex regularly by someone’s attitude (not that it shouldn’t put you off, but in the honeymoon period you would normally be wanting it more often/be in a virtuous sex cycle rather than the vicious one you’re in.) Also once a week would be a low amount of sex two years in, even as a minimum. I just don’t think you seem very into each other. It shouldn’t be that hard so soon.

I really would just chalk this one up to experience and move on OP. It's only two years, you don't live together, don't share children and have (presumably) managed without each other through lockdown.

This isn't one that's going to get better now, is it? You must be able to see that. So move on and find someone you are more compatible with and doesn't make you feel like shit ever, for any reason, because really, who needs that?

He's just sent me a message saying he needs to see right now that I want him or he's finished.

Well, that's sexy as hell, isn't it?

I'd let him finish it.

Go quiet. How bloody controlling and wankery is this behaviour? Where's the joy in this? Fuck that shit! Sounds like he's got one foot out of the door and wants to blame you for his next few steps. Don't answer. Let him bugger off. Someone else can have the 'benefit' of his engaging personality! He's no prize.

Just end this, it doesn’t work. You both need to be adults and accept that.

In the nicest possible way op
Tell him to go fuck himself
He's a joy sucking controlling
Ask me what's wrong all the time
wankbadger

He's a wind up head fuck merchant

You don't need this shit

Tell him you’re done with his miserable negativity. You’ll feel so much better without that misery around you.

He is sexually coercive and to me this is one of the biggest dumping offences you can get.

You've seen now what an unpleasant feeling it is to feel pressured. I dumped my ex who used to go on about sex and be manipulative. Now I'm relaxed, happy and free.

He's always been controlling and mistrustful of me for no reason. We did practically live together before lock down but that was never an official thing. He would always accuse me of things if I said I wanted space.Even now I only get 1 child free night per week and if I dare to need a night to myself it's all a big drama. I feel like I've really tried. He's just sent me a message saying he needs to see right now that I want him or he's finished

He is coercive and controlling in a lot of ways- accusing you of things if you want a night to yourself etc. Now you must shag him more or you'll be dumped! What a turn on. I bet you feel really horny now.

Stop wasting your precious life on this absolute prick!

He sounds awful tbh. It's all about him, isn't it? He sulks, pushes you around, is ungrateful and then complains because you're not putting out. And this is him after two years together. He's already behaving like a rapacious bastard. He clearly has no idea how to behave in a relationship. But thank God he's showing his true colours now rather than after you'd become more entwined. Let him finish it, OP. Or if you prefer, dump him yourself. But please get him gone. Far better to be gloriously single than miserably accompanied.

Also, please consider why you have tolerated such poor treatment from this man. Why haven't you walked already when there is so much unpleasantness from him? You deserve so much better.