Partner kissed someone & pregnant

[lookingforadvice90]

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice.

Been with my partner for several years and found out a few days before we went into lockdown earlier in the year that he'd kissed someone else. The kiss happened in front of our group of 'friends' and happened a year ago. I was at home visiting family at the time. I appreciate they may not have felt it their place to tell me, but I feel like a total moron. I only found out because one of the said friends felt so guilty about knowing and told me.

Confronted partner and he admitted it, said the usual he was sorry etc etc. He said they kissed and he felt terrible so he left straight away. I was incredibly upset at the time, not so much with the kiss but the lies and feeling like an idiot with everyone but me knowing.

I then found out a week later that I am pregnant with a very much wanted, albeit surprise baby.

I spoke to the girl he kissed and she told me the same story my partner told me. (As far as I can be sure that it's the truth).

I guess I am asking for advice on what to do - has anyone else been in a similar position?
I feel a little lost and not able to enjoy my pregnancy. We have been cooped up together working from home with no option to move out (family overseas and close friends many miles from where I live). I don't feel like I have had the chance to process how I'm feeling as I am trying to stay as zen as possible throughout this pregnancy.

If you have had no other suspicions to think he’s been cheating, he treats you well this whole time (it was a year ago), you guys decided to try for a baby - I’d stay but have some serious discussions.

If, however, during the course of the past year (since the kids) you have had reason to be suspicious, he’s been gaslighting you etc, then, no I wouldn’t stay and LTB.

If it happened in front of a group a kiss on the mouth surely wasn't anything very long , passionate or meaningful. A daft blip and he should not have done it, but it sounds like he realised that right away. It's not adultery, not an affair.

Something is bothering you , but are you sure it's that old kiss? Or is that just a peg to hang unhappy on.

What do you mean they kissed? Are we talking peck or full on snog here?

Sorry I should have added these details! A full on snog I have been told.

I agree it's not the kiss so much that's bothering me, but apparently they were talking all day and night (a friends summer party) and not once did he mention me or think about me it would seem. (I don't expect him to shout that we're together from the rooftops and everyone flirts when they're out and about but it seems like total disregard.) It's that everyone knew and saw and didn't say anything. Had he told me when it had actually happened I don't think i'd be half as upset by it.

I was actually on the pill at the time, so not quite a planned pregnancy although this is something we both wanted. I think it may just be pregnancy hormones making me feel a little all over the place?

I think snogging someone is bad but not relationship ending

But snogging at a party in full view of joint friends, I’m really not sure I could forgive that. It’s humiliating

However you’re having a baby, and that changes things some what.

Is he still in touch with her? Do you know who she is?

And no, everyone doesn’t flirt when they are out and about. What gives you that idea? Do you do this? Flirt and not mention you’re in a relationship? Snog guys?

You deserve better than that.

NOT everyone flirts when they're out and about OP.

It's a respect thing. Treat others how you would want to be treated. When out without my partner, I'm polite and friendly but not once does that cross over as flirtatious

Personally, a kiss is just a kiss, if you believe there was nothing more than that to it, i would let it go. I know other people have different views, this is just mine.

It could just be a drunken kiss and mean nothing. But I get why you're hurt and humiliated. He really should have owned it and told you. Would you guys get couples counselling? Might be better to work on now before bubs comes and Ye are both sleep deprived and cranky

The disrespect of kissing another woman in front of your friends would really trouble me.

I honestly can't see myself staying in the relationship as much as I may want to, because the trust would be gone from that point and I wouldn't be happy anymore.

My thoughts would be if he could do that in front of my friends...so brazen and unapologetic....what would he do when nobody else was around.

I'd struggle to believe he's gone from being a loving, faithful boyfriend.....to snogging another woman just like that, in front of mutual friends.

At the very least, I'd need some time and space away from him to think....and in my mind I'd see what he did during that time to show he fuc**d up. His actions or lack of, would be part of the deciding factor.

Hm. I've never seen anyone apart from seasoned cheaters do this. You don't 'accidentally' snog someone in front of your friends. It just doesn't happen. You won't leave so all I will say is keep your career going, make sure you stay close to your friends - even the ones without babies, and be ready to be unpleasantly surprised in the not too distant future. It's so common for men to cheat when their partners are pregnant/having babies (as in are actually in hospital)/have the young baby at home it's practically a cliche.

Not sure why you weren't at the party either. It doesn't scream madly in love to me.

You have not had an equal, mutually respectful relationship for at least a year.

Your friends witnessed your P focusing on this OW all day and night and then kissing her. He chose to make a public mockery of you and your relationship. If your friend had not come forward, you’d still be in the dark. That would have suited him fine.

He absolutely needs to feel a sharp consequence while you reconsider the relationship. Personally, I would have lost my trust, so would move on and develop a healthy co-parenting relationship.

I agree with another poster on how brazen he been kissing another women in front of your group of friends. Unbelievable really, and it would make me question his willpower if he was alone with a woman.

Also it is humiliating for all your friends to know your partner a cheater and keep it from you. I would rethink these friendships. I hope you have your own friends outside of this group.